When Nature Is Not Enough

A happy ending to a long journey

2007-04-20T00:05:00.001-04:00

April 20...a date that stirs up so many different feelings in me. My first m/c was on April 20. Two years ago today I found out that IVF was our only hope to have a family. My first blog post was on April 20. Today April 20, 2007 my babies are 4 months old. I can finally smile on April 20 as I wipe my tears for my angels.

I think it's appropriate that I end this blog on April 20. The reason I started it was to share my TTC journey. I wanted a place where I could express how I felt. I also wanted to show my children this "journal". I'm not sure about that but will be printing it as a keepsake for me.

As I end this blog I close a chapter in my life. Although it was a very painful chapter I am a better person for it. IF has forever changed who I am and my outlook in life. I've learned not to take things for granted and most of all I have faith. There were many times when I doubted that I would be holding two babies but giving up was harder then going on.

When I started this blog I never imagined that at times it would be my only support system. Strangers have become my friends. You reached out to me and helped me at my most painful times. I cannot thank you enough for your words of encouragement and never ending support.

I know that I have not posted or visited blogs in awhile but please know that my thoughts and prayers have been with you. You are all wonderful and I wish you all the very best.

Many blessings and much happiness to all of you. Don't lose hope and always hold onto your dreams. Dreams are our inspiration.

Hugs from Hannah and Matthew

Twins Rule

2007-02-12T20:28:00.000-05:00

I can't believe on Wednesday they will be 8 weeks old. So much has happened in that time. I have been riddled with so many feelings - happiness, fear, anxiety, sadness, guilt...it seems the emotional roller coaster doesn't end. As you can imagine having twins is very time consuming but I also feel other things have made things more difficult. I won't get into details now because I am still trying to sort things out and hope with clarity comes understanding.

I've faced some challenges with motherhood (no experience with newborns or infants) and it has made me doubt my abilities but those moments when they look up at me and smile let's me know I'm doing okay.

Anyway.....

In 8 weeks they have grown so much. I remember how tiny they were when they were born and how scared I was to pick them up. Now they are stronger, hold their heads up, and are not as fragile although I must admit I still get a little scared.

Matthew weighs 11.2 lbs. and measures 21 1/4. He is VERY active. He giggles, follows us with his eyes, has a beautiful smile and is playful. At times it looks as if he is riding a bike. As you can tell by the weight gain he has a hardy appetite.

Hannah weighs 9.14 lbs. and measures 21 inches long. She giggles, has big beautiful eyes, and makes a face that melts your heart. She loves to be rocked, is cooing, and likes the song mommy sings to her (she's the only one that likes my singing).

The twins are colicky which makes nighttime very difficult and sleep scarse. They also have reflux which is being treated with zantac and we changed their formula to soy milk. It seems to be helping and last night we actually slept a total of 4 1/2 hours. I am fortunate to have my mother to help me. At times she does more of the care taking then I do.

I feel VERY blessed to have them. I always wondered why I struggled with infertility and was angry that IVF was our only hope now I know that I had to go through that in order to have them. Was it worth all the pain.....YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our bundles of joy

2006-12-26T14:07:00.000-05:00

It is with much happiness that I write this post. For so long I thought our dream would not come true and on Dec. 20th at 2:20 and 2:22 PM we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew.

We are full of so much joy. Thank you so much for your support during this long journey.

I will post more when things are more settled.

The countdown begins....

2006-12-14T16:37:00.000-05:00

I went for my regular appointment yesterday and was given a star for Hannah's amniotic fluid increasing. It went from 2.9 to 3.1. They were very pleased and of course so was I. We were able to see the twins breathing...what a sight. It pleased me very much to know they are able to breathe on their own. I had the group B strep test and while they were doing that they checked my cervix and I was 2-3 cm dilated. That prompted the doctor to move up the c-section date to....Wed. Dec. 20. A week away...oh my, I can't believe it's that soon. I am nervous and of course excited. There are still some things I have to get them, including their Christmas outfits. Jenna, I will try to remember to get the stockings.

Thanks for your good wishes!

The end is near....

2006-12-09T01:01:00.000-05:00

Bedrest hasn't been too bad. With all the appointments I have it doesn't seem as if I'm on bedrest. I had a BPP (biophysical profile) and Hannah's amniotic fluid was low (2.9) so I am being monitored more closely now. I have to go to the hospital Tuesdays and Fridays for a non-stress test and Wednesdays to the clinic for my regular appt and BPP. It won't be for too long because the tentative c-section date is Dec. 26!!!!!! If the fluid drops then they will do it sooner.

Must admit I'm glad the end is near...it is so hard to get around, everything hurts. I feel guilty saying it but it's true. Sitting is uncomfortable, walking is a very hard task. Matthew's head is up my rib cage and Hannah is very low. No matter what I still don't want them to come before 36 weeks although based on the measurements they would be fine if I went into labor. At 34 weeks Hannah is weighing 4 lbs 9 oz and Matthew weighs 4 lbs 13 oz. They will definitely be coming home with us.

We are so thrilled that they will be born soon. I think Ivan is more excited then I am. Anxiety is kicking in and I'm starting to question my ability to care for them. Fortunately I will have my mother to help me so that is a relief.

Hope everyone is doing well.

The Waiting Begins

2006-11-29T23:41:00.000-05:00

Hi there, sorry for the delay in an update. It seems I'm not in much of a mood to go online, could be because of the pain that I feel when I sit for a while. Anyway I am 33 weeks PG...wow!! I can't believe I've come this far. Things have been going well but in the last 2 weeks my cervix has been shortening. It is .66 and as the midwife put it I "can go at any minute". Knowing that I might possibly go into labor has been pretty scary. So much for planning for things. I'm back on bedrest and try my best not to stress about anything. I'm hoping the twins will stay put until at least week 36, 37 would be great. I know at this point things would be okay with them I just don't want to think about how tiny they will be and how they will be in NICU. I cry when I think about it....moving on to another topic because the water works have started.

My shower was on the 18th...it was great. It was so nice seeing family and friends that I haven't seen in awhile. We got so much stuff that I really don't have to buy them anything, just some preemie outfits. I purchased their go home outfit yesterday (yes, I know I'm not suppose to be shopping but I changed my mind as to what I wanted them to wear). If I can find the connection cord for my camera I will post a pic. Of course when they arrive there will be pics.

Pain is starting so I will end now. Send lots of sticky vibes my way.

28 weeks

2006-10-24T18:22:00.000-04:00

I am 7 months PG today....wow, I can't believe it. I don't have any updated belly pics but promise to post some next week.

Here are our munchkins at 27 weeks:

I can't believe how big they've gotten. We think Hannah looks like me and Matthew like Ivan but we'll know the truth when they arrive. I still don't have a due date. My ob had stated I would have a scheduled c-section between 36-38 weeks so I thought my dr would say the same. Last week I met with my dr (maternal fetal medicine specialist who specializes in multiple births) and she stated I could have a normal delivery around week 39. All this time I have prepared myself mentally for a c-section so now to prepare for oh natural is stressful. I was able to talk to her about it and she agreed to a c-section since I'm not going to have any more children after the twins. I'll see if in 3 weeks I can convince her to go earlier. I was hoping they would be here before the year ended but if waiting will be best for them then so be it.

I've gained 30 lbs and boy do I feel it. I get out of breath when I walk a few blocks so imagine how I feel when I go up the stairs (I live in a 3rd floor walk up). No cravings...can you believe that. My only discomforts are back pain and of course the swollen legs and feet...small price to pay for our little ones.

My work shower went very nice until a co-worker started saying how happy she was for me and talked a little about my struggle and how she had offered to be our surrogate. It annoyed me because only a few people knew what was going on. Of course it reminded me of the pain I had felt for so long and I couldn't hold back the tears. I blamed it on the hormones and played it off as if I was reading the card. They got us the car seats and a gift card for me to use to pamper myself before or after they are born.

I will end going down memory lane....13 years ago today I met Ivan.

24 weeks

2006-09-26T10:08:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I am 6 months PG. I still get amazed when I look at the mirror and see my belly, which just seems to get bigger and bigger...not complaining.

Things have been going very well. I had an appointment last week. Matthew weighed 1 lb 7 oz and Hannah 1 lb 4 oz. I finally feel them move...what a wonderful experience. When Ivan tries they back off and stay still. It's funny because when he takes his hand out they start moving.

I finally registered. My work shower is on Oct. 17th and my family & friends shower will be I'm assuming some time in November. It was fun picking out things. I was so tempted to buy everything I saw. For the most part I have the essential things I need. I just have to get preemie outfits. The coming home outfit I will leave to my mother, who has been looking forward to shopping for grandkids. These are the first grandkids in my family so they will be spoiled rotten.

Tomorrow is the 2nd year anniversary of Ivan's mother's death. He has been sad and withdrawn these past few weeks. I feel so bad because I know how much he wishes his mother were here to share this with us.

I hope you are all well.

Free at last!!

2006-09-08T11:01:00.000-04:00

Those 12 days of bedrest felt more like 12 weeks. I went on Wed. for my appt and had another cervical check-up. All was normal so they think that last week when it was a 2.8 it was because I was having a contraction. I didn't feel anything. If that was what I had to expect for labor I would say bring it on but that won't be the case. Since all is normal I was relieved of bedrest...YAY.

I came back to work yesterday. I like my job but I was SO happy to be back. I would have been anywhere except home in bed. Although it wasn't fun if I had to do it over again of course I would and if needed for the long haul. I've made some modifications at work and will be reducing my caseload. I already spoke to the director about possibly reducing to part time if need be.

For now I will enjoy my freedom and take it easy.

Bedrest continues

2006-09-04T01:42:00.000-04:00

I went for another cervical checkup on Friday. It went from a 2.8 on Wed. to a 3.7. I was SO shocked. I wasn't expecting it to improve I was just hoping it would stabilize so that was a wonderful surprise. They still want me to remain on bedrest, especially since its working.

I know this is for the babies but staying home is not easy and it's very boring. Of course now I don't want to watch anything on TV or read a book. I try but I get restless which isn't good since I have nothing else to do. I hope I will get "released" very soon. I have another appt. on Wed...wish me luck.

Now it's really house arrest

2006-08-30T17:39:00.000-04:00

I had my appt today. The babies are doing well. I love seeing them. I still haven't felt any movement. I've felt something but I'm not sure what it is, maybe it is movement.

They were both moving around a lot...it's so cute to see. Hannah was well behaved and did not hit Matthew today.

Hannah ~ Twin A
Matthew ~ Twin B

The swelling has gone down and it's not so uncomfortable to walk BUT my cervix is shortening. Two weeks ago it was a 4 and today it was 2.8. As such, I have been placed on bedrest until further notice. I go back on Friday for another u/s. I am going to try to take it one day at a time and not stress.

I can't believe I'm 20 weeks PG...what a milestone. I will not let this get me down. I've come this far and truly believe that in the end all will work out.

Modified rest...not too much fun

2006-08-27T20:52:00.000-04:00

I went to see my doctor on Friday because the swelling was worse. My legs were also swollen and it hurt when I walked, bent down, and went up the stairs.

I have twins bilateral edema and have been placed on modified rest until my next visit on Wed. They recommended a not too fashionable $100 compressed thigh high support hose to help with the swelling. Well it appears to be helping/working. My legs are starting to look normal again. Hopefully the swelling will continue to go down and I can return to normal activities.

Although it's not strict bed rest I have to limit my walking and I need to maintain my legs up. To be honest it feels like house arrest. Ivan is so worried about something going wrong that he is very strict as to what I can do. If it were up to him I wouldn't even stretch. I like that he also shares my fears and his over protectiveness is very cute.

I'll be home tomorrow so I will catch up on what's going on in blogland.

P.S. Thanks for the advice on my last post.

Bad blogger

2006-08-23T19:06:00.000-04:00

Sorry that it has been 4 weeks since my last update. When I get home I am so tired that I just want to lie on the couch or bed.

All is going well. I had my Level II u/s last Wed. and everything was fine. It's great when I get to see them. Hannah was VERY active. She just wouldn't keep still. At one point she punched Matthew...it was so funny. Matthew is laid back. It appears Hannah is like her mommy and Matthew is like his dad. I can't get over how they already have different personalities.

I'm 19 weeks PG and I've gained 20 lbs. The back pain is still there but now I have to deal with SWOLLEN feet and when I say swollen I mean swollen. Ivan refers to them as flintstone feet. The dr. said it's due to the salt intake. If anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with that PLEASE advise.

We are looking into getting a bigger place to make room for the kids. Once we have that we will start getting the nursery ready....that should be so much fun. I haven't registered yet but I already have my list of things that I want/need.

Hope everyone is well and enjoying the summer. I can't wait for the fall.

Snuggling Already

2006-07-26T23:01:00.000-04:00

We had our 15 wk u/s today and as always it was an amazing experience. It's great to see the babies and know that they are doing well. Seeing and hearing the heartbeat takes my breath away. I still can't believe this is happening, I can't believe it's true.

We got nice pics of the twins but this one is my favorite.

I call it the snuggling pose. It was beautiful to see that even before they are born the little boy is snuggling with his sister. It was warm to see that affection already. Twin B - Matthew is leaning on Twin A - Hannah's head. At one point he was sucking his thumb. Yes, their names are Matthew and Hannah, to be exact Matthew Alexander and Hannah Stella (Stella was Ivan's mother's name).

All is going well with the pregnancy. I'm a little concerned with the weight gain as I've already gained 13 lbs but the doctor doesn't seem to think it's too much too soon. I will start cutting down on carbs, as I'm a carb whore. I've been having some pains which the doctor said are due to the ligaments stretching and the uterus shifting. My next appt. is in 3 weeks for the Level II u/s...that should be fun.

Hope you are all well.

Hansel and Gretel

2006-07-10T17:45:00.000-04:00

No more Apricot and Buttercup the twins will now be referred to as Hansel and Gretel.

We got the results of the genetic testing and we're having a GIRL and a BOY....I am over the moon with excitement. This is so perfect, I can't believe it. Ivan always suspected that Dr. S put back a girl and boy embryo.

Tomorrow I will begin the 2nd trimester...wow how time flies. I'm feeling better although this weekend I felt very queasy and was in a lot of pain but I'm not complaining.

I can't believe I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow. I never thought I would get this far heck I never thought I would be PG. Sometimes it feels like a dream...a wonderful dream.

My belly is getting bigger but I'm still in that awkward stage where I just look and feel fat. I'm dying to get bigger and use maternity tops. Right now if I did I would just look like a fat girl with a big shirt. Maybe I'll post a pic so you can all have a nice laugh.

I think now that I've overcome the hurdle of the 1st trimester I can start enjoying things and believing that all will be okay.

My little munchkins

2006-07-02T20:27:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the delay in updating. I had my 1st trimester screening on Wednesday. The twins are doing well. They both measured a few days ahead at 11w4d. The placenta bleeding has decreased 50% so all appears to be going well. The u/s was amazing. It was great to see how much they have developed in 3 weeks. Buttercup was very active, moving it's arms and legs. Ivan, being the musician in the family, quickly stated that Buttercup is going to be an orchestra conductor. Apricot got a little jealous from the attention Buttercup was getting and gave us it's back. After awhile it lied on it's stomach with the head to the side...it was so cute. I couldn't believe how they were moving around already.

I met with the maternal fetal medicine specialist. She seemed very nice but we had a difference of opinion with regards to the Heparin. She adamantly stated that she wanted me to stop it immediately. Based on my results she does not think I need it and feels folic acid supplementation will be suffice. She thinks it will be more of a risk for me to continue because of the decrease in platelets and bone loss. Ivan and I expressed that we are most concerned with assuring that I will not lose the pregnancy. I was bothered that she was so sure that it wouldn't happen. I am continuing the Heparin and will be testing my homocysteine levels when my RE returns from vacation next week.

Overall I am feeling good...so glad I can finally say that. There were a couple of days this week when I felt like crap but this weekend I felt great. I walked a lot and spent most of the weekend outdoors (inspite of the heat).

I finally told my supervisor and co-workers on Thursday. I'm so glad since now I don't have to try to hide the belly and boy is there a belly. So I'm officially out of the closet and everyone knows. They are being very supportive and accomodating and I plan on taking full advantage of it ;)

Hope everyone is doing well.

10 weeks PG

2006-06-20T16:48:00.000-04:00

Things are going well. I'm getting use to the minor discomforts and use to the fact that I'm PG. It's been hard to accept because with acceptance comes trusting that all will be well. We all know that for us being PG does not mean the worry and the obsessing will end. Will it ever, who knows.

I've been so excited because on Saturday I stop my PIO, suppositories and start weaning off the dexamethasone. I was relieved that there wouldn't be any more shots and then I get a call yesterday from the RE's nurse stating that I tested positive for MTHFR type A & C. I have to be on Heparin until I'm 32 weeks PG (2 shots a day). It seems I will be on meds forever but it's a small price to pay to ensure that the babies will be safe.

As much as I want to trust that things will go well with the pregnancy at times I'm flooded with anxiety and must admit that lately I've been having dead baby thoughts. We have our 1st trimester screening next Wed, 6/28 and I'm scared that we will get bad news. I know it's normal but then I feel guilty for having the DBT. I start questioning whether something is wrong with me but then I come back to reality.

The bloating seems to have subsided a bit and now I'm just fat. I caved in and purchased a few maternity slacks for work. I plan on telling after next week's appointment. With the weather getting hot it's getting harder to hide the belly.

Have a good week!

Still sinking in

2006-06-08T13:40:00.000-04:00

I still can't believe that I'm PG. Yep, I can finally say the "p" word. I had my appointment yesterday with the maternal fetal medicine specialist. She was not there but I met with the midwife and genetic counselor. I got an u/s and boy was it great. Seeing the babies makes it real. I could actually see where the hands and feet are forming and I could see the heart beating...that was so cool. I was speechless and full of so much joy.

We've told our families and I told one of my GF. I will try to wait until at least week 11 before I tell at work but at this rate my belly might rat me out. During the u/s the tech looked at my ovaries and you could see they were still hyperstimulated. The left is starting to go down. The pain is starting to go away and I feel a little queasy during the day. No morning sickness but that overall yucky feeling all day long.

I can't believe that I'm finally here. I've waited so long and now I have two babies snuggling inside me. It truly is a dream come true. At times it's hard to find the words to express how I feel. Sometimes I get scared to express my happiness for fear of something going wrong. I'm not going to stress about that...I've got Ivan stressing about that. He is a nervous wreck...it is so cute.

I can't thank you all enough for the support that you have given me. Your words have helped me through my darkest days. I'm debating whether to continue the blog since it was an IF blog. For now I will continue but won't be posting consistently. As milestones occur I will update.

Milestone #1

2006-06-01T17:45:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the wait. The appt took longer then expected and then we had to share the news with my family.

Drumroll please.....

We're having TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't believe it when the tech said there were two sacs. They are both measuring 6w6d although I'm 7w2d but the doctor said that was not a problem. Apricot's heartbeat was 136 and Buttercup's was 158.

I will post the pic when I'm home.

Thanks so much for your support!!

2 more days!

2006-05-30T10:11:00.000-04:00

I'm anxious and eager about my u/s on Thursday. I can't believe it is finally here.

I'm still adjusting to the fact that it worked. Sometimes I wake up and I have to remind myself that it isn't a dream...my dream has come true! It's funny how I've wanted this for so long and now that it's finally here it's hard to rejoice in happiness. I'm trying not to get consumed by my fears of "something going wrong". I have to believe that all will be well.

Ivan is starting to get nervous about the u/s. He's been going online and checking to see what we should expect to see. He's very happy and is pleased that we will be telling our family afterwards. This weekend he went shopping and purchased things for the baby - girl and boy. He's hoping for twins while I think it's a singleton. It doesn't matter how many there are we're having a baby and that is all that matters.

It's hard to put to words how I'm feeling. In some ways I'm still in shock but I'm also being cautious.

Still no symptoms except for the side effects. The back pain has decreased significantly. I'm still huge and getting bigger everyday. I purchased a pair of capris on Wednesday and when I wore them on Sunday I had to take them off after an hour because they were so tight...unbelievable. I'm not really complaining, it's just annoying that it's happening so fast. There doesn't seem to be a transition. My bum is swollen and bruised from the PIO shots. Oh the joys of an IVF pregnancy...yes, the joy!!!

1WW

2006-05-25T18:26:00.000-04:00

One more week for my u/s....I can't wait!

Things have been okay. I'm very tired (from the PIO) and I'm feeling overall "yucky". I have a weird feeling in my stomach. I've been having lower back pains which make it hard to walk and sit for long periods of time (not that I can help it at work). The dr had warned me that if I got PG the pains would get worse...he wasn't exaggerating.

Today I started to feel PG. I still can't say I'm PG. I'm happy about it but of course I'm also anxious. For now I am cautiously optimistic.

We still haven't told anyone. I told my sister (well Misty told). It was a beautiful experience. I don't think I've felt closer to her....she hugged me for a few minutes and cried....it was very sweet. I think we will tell our family next week after the u/s. If it was up to Ivan everyone would already know.

Ivan is VERY happy and is being a wonderful father-to-be....very supportive and protective. He's having a hard time with me not being as openly happy as him and is concerned that I'm not pleased with the PG. He doesn't understand why I have my concerns.

The meds have really done a number on my body. I am bloated and just feel and look fat. It's annoying that the majority of the changes I'm going through are because of the meds. I've been reading some pregnancy books and half the things don't apply to me. I'm having symptoms that I should be having much later. I think one of you IVF preggo mommies needs to write a book about an IVF pregnancy. I started writing in my PG journal. I was considering waiting until after the u/s but decided against it. I want to be positive. I will take it one day at a time, one milestone at a time.

Thanks for checking up on me. I will visit blogs tomorrow (all I can do at work is update my blog via email).

It's still sinking in

2006-05-16T15:21:00.000-04:00

I am still in shock and afraid to use the "P" word. All I can say is "it worked". I really can't believe it worked. I can't believe we are one step closer to our dream. I am so happy and of course with it comes tons of worry but I will take it one day at a time or in this case one milestone at a time.

I go for my 1st u/s on June 1st.... I can't wait to see my lil' bean. The next two weeks feel so far away.

I am 5 weeks today but I look more like 5 months PG. I'm not having any symptoms, not that I would expect any at this point. I'm just having side effects from the meds. Dr. S had me stop the PIO and switch to hCG 5000 3x a week. Well you can just imagine how that ended up. We all remember our trigger shot. The day after my first shot I was huge. I had purchased an outfit on Thursday to wear on Saturday and I'm not exaggerating when I say it did not fit. As if that wasn't the only problem I started having the pains again in my ribs, side and lower back. Today 4 days later I am still in pain. Fortunately Dr S let me go back to the PIO and I continue the suppositories. The reason he prefers to do hCG is that it will help the body produce it's own progesterone. Well I felt and looked as if I was producing more than that.

We haven't told any friends or family...I'd like to wait until 10-12 weeks but I doubt I can pull it off. After the u/s we will most likely tell our family. I will be telling my sister on Friday. Ivan wants to shout it out to the world while I want to keep it a secret for just a little while longer.

I can't believe I'm here...I had lost all hope that it would ever happen. It was like a bad nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.

Finally got the results

2006-05-10T16:55:00.000-04:00

I knew the waiting would not be easy. I've done my best to think positive but last night all hope vanished when I went to the bathroom and there it was bright red....BLOOD. For those of you that have shared my journey with me you know that I start to spot and bleed a few days before my beta. This was not what I wanted to see. Maybe this was a sign of what awaited me.

This morning I did a HPT and I got a + but it was sort of faint. At 10dp5dt I wasn't expecting a faint +. I saw the two lines and I didn't get happy. All I thought about was my first cycle. I got a + and then it all came tumbling down. Was this what was going to happen again? I didn't tell Ivan about the + because I didn't want to worry him. He had also asked me not to test. He is crazy if he thought I was not going to test.

For the first time I was happy that the clinic didn't give the results of the 1st beta. I'm glad I will get both results at the same time. If it didn't double then I know there is a problem and don't have to wait another 2 days hoping it will improve.

When they finally called my heart was racing. I did my best to sound calm when all I wanted to do was scream from the nervousness.

I didn't know how to tell Ivan so I let Misty, my darling cat, give him the news.

YES, it worked...OMG, it worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8dp5dt beta was 156.6
10dp5dt beta was 414.7

Waiting

2006-05-10T15:06:00.000-04:00

Still waiting for the call. They said they would call after 3 .... this is so nerve wracking.

Thanks so much for the good wishes. Will update as soon as I get the call.

4 more days to go

2006-05-06T09:16:00.000-04:00

Today is 6dp5dt. I find out on Wed. if it worked....I'm so nervous. I actually go on Monday for my 1st beta and on Wed for the 2nd. SIRM does not give you the results of the 1st beta, which they use as a baseline. I will get a call on Wed with both results. I can't believe they do that...don't they know how hard it is to wait. Of course I will be testing before that. I did a test on Wed to make sure the hCG from the trigger shot was out of my system....was so happy when I saw the -. I wanted to test this morning but I woke up 2-3x last night to use the bathroom so FMU was impossible.

I went on Wed. to see Dr. S because my pain was getting worse. The pain is from hyperstimulating. He didn't do an u/s because he didn't want to do any poking since implantation would have been on Tuesday. He is hopeful that it worked. Yesterday I finally started to feel some relief from the pain and the bloating is starting to go down. I'm huge from the bloating. I look about 5 months PG and I gained so much weight this cycle. The dexamethasone gives me the munchies and you all know how much I love junk food.

My bum is already reacting to the PIO. Dr. S gave me a prescription for Crinone and I got it but read how it can cause birth defects if taken during early pregnancy. I went online and got more info on that. Of course now I'm having second thoughts about taking it and may just deal with the soreness from the PIO.

I found out that we have 6 snowbabies!!!!! If for some reason this doesn't work we will definitely do FET. This was definitely my last fresh IVF. It was so painful after the ER. Usually I'm back to normal activities right away but not this time. The following day I was still in pain. I've read that when you've cycled a lot your body takes more time to heal, especially your ovaries.

I'm trying to have a positive attitude. This was a great cycle and all I can do is hope that it worked. We've already had the "what if it didn't work" conversation. [It's always good to have a Plan B.] It's hard to give up and we don't want to but are willing to do 1-2 FETs and then it's time to discuss other options. Hopefully we won't have to go down that road.

Wish Wed. was here already.

Embies are hopefully snuggling in

2006-05-01T12:09:00.000-04:00

Meet Apricot and Buttercup. Thought I'd choose some goofy names.

I'm happy to report we were able to transfer 2 genetically healthy embryos or as the dr and nurse kept calling them babies. In the embryo picture you can see that one is already hatching. Very positive sign according to the nurse. The other pic is the u/s of the transfer. The white light/spot that is circled are the embryos in fluid. It is so amazing when you see them going in and how they twinkle like a star upon being released.

I was so nervous these past few days that we would get there and they would tell us none had "passed" the testing. Sunday morning I got the call that 2 would be transferred. They are still watching the others for possible cryopreservation. They will let me know tomorrow.

I am on cloud 9. This is the best cycle we have had and these are the best embryos. Dr. S was so optimistic that this will work. He signed my book and ended with "P.S. You will be a mom". I know doctors are supposed to be reassuring but hearing it from him meant so much.

After each transfer I leave the clinic feeling hopeful. Of course we all hope they will implant but this time it was different. This time I actually feel as if we have a chance. I'm not going to say that I don't have my worries because I do but this time getting PG is actually a possibility.

I'm visualizing Apricot and Buttercup with suction cups on their feet. Hopefully they will snuggle in and implant. For now all I can do is HOPE. Funny how in the beginning hope is such a bitch and towards the end that's what we rely on and gives us strength.

A dozen reasons to be hopeful

2006-04-26T15:28:00.000-04:00

ER went well. I'm still sore and very bloated but it is worth it.

Fertilization report:
24 eggs retrieved
16 mature
12 fertilized normally

75% fertilization rate...that is the best we've ever done. Since we are participating in the study transfer will be on Sunday. Right now my lil ones are in midtown while their culture is on it's way if not already in Vegas. We won't get any details until Sunday. I'm hoping for 4 so we will have 2 to freeze but 2 will be perfect. He forewarned me that in the end there wouldn't be too many embryos left but to remember they would be "competent".

I'm feeling hopeful in the sense that this is as good as it gets. This is the best cycle I've had and in terms of embryo quality this will be the best. I'm trying to be positive BUT of course doubt/fear always creeps in. I won't even get into "what if it doesn't work" and believe that it can.

So for the remainder of this cycle I will be believing and preparing for a positive. I can't believe I can actually have positive thoughts with the negative person that I am but for now it's the best attitude to have.

Believing and hoping

2006-04-23T12:07:00.000-04:00

I had a great appt this morning. Follie count 27-30. There were 3 measuring 20mm, 6-18mm, 5- 17 mm, 10 - 14-16mm, and the rest under 13. I am so happy about the response I have gotten. Dr. S is wonderful. At times I felt he was more excited then I was.

I trigger tonight at 9:30 and ER is Tuesday at 8.

He gave me some very exciting news. Since I had such a great response and my uterus is a "perfect 10" I qualify for a study they are doing. It is egg competency testing to select the best embryos for transfer to the uterus. Unlike PGD which targets 9 of 23 pairs of chromosomes SIRM's new genetic technique allows to accurately assess all chromosomes in the egg and in one or more cells of the embryo cells (blastomeres). In a follow-up of their trial they were able to show that when even one "competent" embryo was transferrred to a receptive uterus, the chance of a viable normal pregnancy is greater than 75%, regardless of the age of the egg provider.

To say the very least I was thrilled to hear we could participate. As he left the room he paused and said "you will be leaving here PG". If the door hadn't been slightly open and there were people standing outside I would have dropped my gown and hugged him. I could have cried from the excitement but all I wanted to do was get on the phone and tell Ivan the great news.

It has been so hard for me to believe that this cycle could work. I've been trying to prepare myself for the possibility that we might not have biological children. I've gone to church and I've asked God to let me know what his plan is. I've asked for signs and I'm trusting and believing that this is a sign that we will have children.

Hello hope...I've missed you

2006-04-22T12:37:00.000-04:00

Hope came to me in the form of 27 follicles. I could not believe it. Dr. S was also shocked by the amount of follies on CD 9. There are 15 measuring between 13-16 mm. I never imagined I would have that many. As I waited for the scan I kept repeating "10 will be good" but seeing 27 follies was unbelievable. Dr. S joked that I was better then the Easter bunny.

27 follies.....YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't wait to call Ivan and tell him the news. I wanted to scream from the excitement. Of course he couldn't help but say "I told you so". I'm sure he was a little nervous but wouldn't admit it.

As I walked down 5th Avenue I started thinking how this might actually work. I've been so worried and anticipating disappointment that I never even pondered the idea of a successful cycle. So right now I think I can breathe, reflect and feel hopeful....hey I have every reason to be hopeful.

I go back tomorrow morning for another scan. The nurse said I might trigger tomorrow or Monday night....wow it's all happening so fast.

Thanks for your support and kind words in my last post. A special thanks to Jenna and Jennie for the beautiful Reunion Heart necklace in remembrance of my angels. I will post a pic later (can't find my camera).

Stimming away

2006-04-17T19:37:00.000-04:00

They moved me up 1 day so I started Follistim 450 iu on Friday. I decreased it to 300 iu yesterday and started Luveris. I'm still on Ganirelex and Dexamethasone in the AM. Fortunately the irritability or shall I say Lupron horrormones have subsided. I'm still a little "crabby" but don't let anyone say that or I will leap on them. It was so much fun injecting at work tonight. Of course as I'm reconstituting someone knocks on my door and half my Luveris came out. I didn't have any extra so I injected what was left.

I have noticed some bloating and lower back pain. I started eating chocolate again ...oh how I missed my comfort food.

I go on Saturday for my monitoring. I'm trying to be positive but I'm nervous. I have to remind myself that I tend to be a slow stimmer so I shouldn't be too disappointed if they measure less then 10.

I'm still deciding what I will do on Friday for my EDD. Ivan is working and I'm sort of glad because I can use the time alone. It's been hard keeping a strong attitude when all I want to do is cry. He knows it's coming up but won't bring it up because he's worried about how I will respond. I know it's also a loss for him but I don't think it feels the same to him.

Off to do some work. I can't log on to blogs but I can update my blog via email. Thanks for your support and sorry that I haven't been checking on you as much as before.....wish you all the best!

Let the fun begin

2006-04-12T17:50:00.000-04:00

Well the cycle has officially started. I stopped Lupron on Monday...thank God. The side effects were horrible this time. I was a royal bitch...very irritable and impatient. The hot flashes were also very uncomfortable. At times I felt as if I was in a sauna. One night it was 35 degrees and I had to have the air conditioner on.

I went for my baseline monitoring yesterday and started Ganirelex. On Saturday I will start Follistim and on Monday start Luveris. My first monitoring will be on the 22nd. I'm eager to see what the outcome will be. I'm just curious if the change in protocol will improve things. Am I hopeful....NO.

We spent the day at the zoo with Ivan's niece and nephew. There were times when I just wanted to cry. It was such a reminder of what I don't have. Next Friday the 21st would have been the EDD of IVF #1. As I was walking all I kept thinking was "I should be giving birth next week". I still wish it had been a negative instead of a chemical pregnancy....still feels like a cruel joke.

I'm still angry and must admit I have a I don't care attitude about everything. It's hard to be happy. I'm drained...physically and emotionally.

Moving Forward

2006-03-31T10:39:00.000-05:00

There's nothing like a huge box of meds to kick you in your butt and give you a boost. The meds arrived yesterday. I begin Dexamethosone and Lupron on Monday. Once I start the injections I know I will start feeling not hopeful but more positive...you know what I mean. I keep reminding myself that this is a different doctor and a different protocol and it might actually work. Oh, please let it work.

I've had an "okay" couple of days. Ivan surprised me on Wednesday with an acupressure session....it felt so good. My arthritis has been acting up and my right arm has been hurting a lot so he thought it might help. He's annoyed that I won't get it checked but as I keep telling him I don't want to see any more doctors or take any more drugs.

As usual Ivan is supportive and optimistic about this working and of course gets annoyed when I start with the "what if's". We decided we will do 2 cycles although he's hopeful that it will work the first time. I know better then to be that optimistic. I wish I could feel the way I did when we met with Dr. S. I left feeling so optimistic, full of energy and hopeful. Now it's all about self-preservation and keeping my guards up. Hopefully as I move along in the cycle hope will find it's way to me.

Thank you for your encouraging words on my last post. Sometimes I have to hit rock bottom before I can get up and move forward. I will do my best to be positive about this cycle and not stress about the little things. I will try some relaxation techniques, including the IVF meditation CD.

I'm still in a funky mood and don't want to do much. I was considering ending the blog because I'm not in a mood to write. I'm tired of complaining about the same thing. I decided I will wait and hopefully have a happy ending.

So the fun begins....I'm preparing for what I know will be a very bumpy ride.

Crawling out of a funk

2006-03-27T11:18:00.000-05:00

As I wait to start IVF #4 I realize that I am not in a place that I want to be. I am in a funk and it's taking a big effort just to do every day things. I am emotionally and physically drained...wiped out!

Well things are back to normal and by that I mean everything is getting to me. I guess I could pretend for just so long. I'm trying my best to be positive but it truly is difficult. Sometimes it's hard to just find the strength to keep going on with this.

I'm still a recluse.... I avoid everyone. I don't want to deal with my friends and hear what's going on with them. I don't want to be supportive when I'm angry with their lack of support. I'm tired of explaining and trying to rationalize why they don't get it. The truth is they don't and they never will. Lucky them they will never go through what I have been through. They won't know the pain of repeated disappointments. The loss, anger and sadness that you feel. They won't feel broken or empty.

This is my life. This is how I feel all the time - down and angry. There is no glimmer of hope that all will work out. I'm eager to start the cycle and just end all of this. At least I can say I tried.

I hate that I can't be positive. I hate that disappointment has robbed me of hope. I'm happy we have a new RE. I know he is one of the best and that he thinks ours is an easy case but it still doesn't make me feel better...no optimism. I'm preparing for failure before I begin.

I've tried to talk to Ivan but he doesn't get it...the eternal optimist. I wish I could believe that all will be well. IF truly sucks!!!

The IVF Plunge!

2006-03-22T08:56:00.000-05:00

A friend sent this to me.

The IVF Plunge!!

The latest.... The greatest.... Come ride the spectacular new roller coaster, now open at an IVF clinic near you! Take...

THE IVF PLUNGE!

Thrills! Chills! Stabs! Jabs! Laughs! Screams!

What makes THE IVF PLUNGE so unique is that it is actually several rides in one! But not all riders will experience all the rides - automatic track switchers randomly select cars to go on any particular sequence. In addition, selection of a clinic also results in different protocols, behavior, treatment, cost and support. So THE IVF PLUNGE is never the same ride twice!

For more details, read on....

Some riders will experience thrills on the INSURANCE ride! Swinging you around, upside down and inside out, a brass ring of coverage will be tantalizingly close, only to be snatched away at the last minute! For those riders who manage to snatch the brass ring, a FREE RIDE on THE IVF PLUNGE is available! (provided they meet certain restrictions.) Riders who don't grab the brass ring get a consolation prize - a ride on the CASH attraction! Whether maxing out the credit cards, taking a second loan on the house, or sponging off of future grandparents, this is a ride that you will remember for the rest of your life as you struggle to pay off the debt!!

A new attraction for PCO sufferers has recently been added - called DAY ONE. This ride starts with the well-known classic DAY ONE - a big draw in the INFERTILITY group of attractions - and ratchets the anticipation UP!!! Will YOU meet the cut-off date??? Then of course there is the Day 3 FSH - do YOUR ovaries have what it takes?

The first part of the main ride is familiar to those who've been to the INFERTILITY attractions before - OPKs! But the intensity is GREATER - the highs are higher and the lows are lower and the kits are even HARDER to read!! But it all pays off as you move into....

MEDICATIONS! This is the most intense part of THE IVF PLUNGE, described by visitors as the ride from hell!! Whether your shots are subcutaneous or intramuscular, you won't want to miss the artificial menopause brought on by lupron, and don't forget THE HORRORMONES! You think you've done injectibles before? You think you're a pro? THINK AGAIN!! With HIGHER levels of injectibles, and DAILY monitoring, this is where the nightmare becomes reality! Then who can forget the terror of HYPERSTIMULATION, one of those random side trips! Another random side trip, POOR RESPONSE, has a chance of ending your ride early!!! Just another sense of anticipation! Can YOU make it through this part of the ride?

If so, it's on to RETRIEVAL AND TRANSFER. This ride is unique in that NO TWO PEOPLE EXPERIENCE THE SAME THING!! Some will sail through with arms raised, careening into the next sequence. Others will be shunted off due to poor egg or sperm quality, incomplete fertilization, or fragmented embryos! Your heart will be in your mouth as you await the phone call telling you how many embryos made it! And will you be sick with anticipation, or is that a reaction to the anesthesia???

Then the TWO WEEKS FROM HELL. Words cannot describe this phenomenon! With daily intramuscular shots of progesterone in oil, this is probably the most painful part of the ride! The highs and lows are even more intense, as you are surrounded by well-meaning but offensive friends and relatives saying "Well?" and otherwise telling you what you SHOULD have done. NOTHING you have experienced in the two week wait of prior cycles will prepare you for this!! You will laugh, cry, scream - all at the same time! You will feel suspended in time as you wait for.....

THE TEST. The most anticipated part of the ride!!! Some random number (depending on clinic stats) will PASS!! Those lucky riders will go on to the PREGNANCY ride, a swirling maelstrom of emotions, changes, and risks! Those who receive a negative beta-HCG are not left out though. They will descend a huge drop of what will seem like ten miles in about 10 seconds!! The misery and tears will be just the beginning, as pregnant women and women with babies and adorable toddlers will be EVERYWHERE! But never fear, because for only thousands of dollars you can once again -

Take THE IVF PLUNGE!!!

Calendar/Protocol

2006-03-17T19:22:00.000-05:00

AF finally arrived on Tuesday and yesterday I started BCP. I received my calendar...boy will I be on lots of meds.

For those that had wanted to know the protocol here it is. SIRM refers to it as the Agonist/Antagonist Conversion Protocol.

BCP 3/16 - 4/7
Lupron 10 units from 4/3 - 4/7; 5 units 4/8 - 4/10
Dexamethosone (corticosteroid) starts on 4/3 until I am told to stop. If I'm PG I continue.
4/11 - Baseline u/s and E2
Ganirelex 125 mcg - 4/11 - stop when I trigger
Follistim 450 units - 4/14 - 4/16; 300 units 4/17 - until I trigger
Luveris 1 vial - 4/17 - until I trigger

At the onset of menstruation that follows the initiation of GnRH agonist (Lupron) I begin low dose antagon (Ganirelex). Luveris (recombinant LH) is administered 4-6 days following initiation of gonadotropin stimulation (Follistim).

** Ganirelix is administered after the lupron to maintain the inhibition of ovulation while minimizing the extra suppression that can be seen with prolonged lupron. They dose the ganirelix differently as well, and give it at 1/2 the usual dose, and give it continuously through the stimulation. The lower dose also helps to maximize on stimulation while assuring the prevention of premature ovulation. When Luveris is started 4-6 days after stimulation, it is done to add LH to the cycle after initial stimulation with FSH alone, similar to what is occuring in natural cycles. Some LH is necessary for maximal stimulation, but they want to avoid too much LH, which can be detrimental. Luveris is a new form of pure LH- either that or Repronex is used during stimulation to add the LH.

I will also be on:
Clindamycin - suppository antibiotic
Tequin - oral antibiotic

After ER:
E2V 1mg/Prog 50mg Vag Supp
Progesterone in Olive Oil.

I can't wait to start. Can't say I'm hopeful but eager to just start and "get it over with"...not the best attitude but that's for another post.

New Cycle, New Look

2006-03-12T19:57:00.000-05:00

It seems each time I start a cycle I get a new look. I wish it were that easy to change things in life. We could just edit the template and of course we'd have our babies. Why can't it be that easy...one day we'll know.

I'm waiting for AF to arrive so I can start BCP. In order to start the cycle in April I am supposed to start BCP on the 13th--tomorrow. I always have a 28 day cycle which made it perfect because AF would get here on Saturday and CD 3 would be the 13th. As we've all experienced when we want AF to be here it doesn't get here. So I'm waiting for FREAKEN AF...what a witch, she's late!!!

We got the results from the SDIA - high fertility. We are very pleased there were no fragmentation problems. The results from the other tests are still pending. Hopefully they will be in tomorrow when I call.

Tomorrow I will also receive my calendar. I'm so anxious to know exactly when things are scheduled and what meds I will be on.

3/13

No AF yet. I emailed Dr. S and I have until the 17th to start BCP.

Release

2006-03-04T12:34:00.000-05:00

I'm finally starting to let it out. I purposely surpressed my feelings after the BFN. I devoted my time on finding out what the problem was and what we could do about it. It was easier than dealing with the sadness and anger.

The last couple of days I've been feeling down and irritable. I bicker at Ivan and I'm short tempered. Last night I started telling him my fears that it wouldn't work. I tried explaining that although we have a great RE it still isn't a "sure thing". He tried to explain how the dr was very positive about it working and how he even said ours was an easy case. I responded with "you're not the one pumping hormones into yourself....you just don't get it". I said other things and he interpreted it as if I was saying he hasn't been supportive. I took a "time out" to relax and we were then able to talk again. It was a positive talk and we both felt better afterwards. I'm still riddled with fear and uncertainty but it comes with the territory.

I've been thinking about all that has happened. I went to church on Friday for the stations of the cross and there was something the priest said during mass that made me wonder when will I accept things. Maybe this is it, maybe I'm not going to have a baby. How many times am I going to do IVF? So much for my 3 attempts, will I do it another 3, 6, hey why not go for 10.

As usual hope is starting to dwindle. I'm scared that this won't work and I may have to face the reality of not having my own children. That is such a scary and sad thought....no children....please don't let it be.

Friends aren't helping much. I have started isolating myself again in order to preserve my sanity. If someone mentions adoption I will strangle them. Why can't they, especially those with children, understand that adoption doesn't make it easier and it won't make the pain and disappointment easier to deal with. Honestly, I don't know if that is something I want to do.

Ivan is very hopeful while I'm already thinking about when the next cycle will be...so much for positive thoughts. His optimism is at times unbearable and of course I respond with sarcasm and anger.

Not too happy right now and it's hard to be happy for others. I know it's normal but it makes me feel selfish and bitter. This isn't how I want to be but it seems this is who I am. It will soon be two years and it definitely has taken a toll.

Waiting

2006-02-25T09:58:00.000-05:00

Nothing much going on. Ivan had the Sperm DNA Fragmentation Assay on Thursday and we had some immunological testing done. We should get the results within 2 weeks. A part of me wants them to find something wrong but then another part of me doesn't. I guess if there is something wrong then we know what has caused the failed cycles.

I had my nurse protocol phone call on Thursday. The doctor's office is in Vegas so contact is via phone and email. I am set to start BCP when AF arrives which should be around March 11. She wasn't sure yet what meds I will be on because the doctor is waiting for the results of the tests. Once they are in she will send me my calendar.

I'm trying to be optimistic but I know there are no guarantees. We are still discussing how many cycles we will do. The clinic has different plans. There is one where you pay one fee and it includes 2 cycles and another one includes 3 cycles. Of course there is a one cycle fee but I don't feel that confident...disappointment has taken that from me.

I've purposely avoided the emotional aspects of the BFN. I'm keeping busy with getting more info and starting another cycle. I know if I start processing it will just get me down. After the 2nd cycle I got depressed and I don't want to go down that road again.

I've been trying to lose weight (would love to lose the 15 that I've gained since I started). It isn't easy...as we all know. My goal for now is 5 lbs then 10. I know 15 is unrealistic to lose by the time I start stims in April.

Sorry I haven't been checking up on you as much as before. They blocked blogs and boards at work and I don't want to go on when I'm home (if Ivan's home). I hope you are all doing well and hope our journeys will soon come to a happy ending.

There is hope after all

2006-02-18T12:07:00.000-05:00

We met on Thursday with our RE for the BFN follow-up. We weren't expecting much but were hoping she would be able to shed some light or offer some reassurance. We got neither. She recommended we do another FET with our 2 remaining snow peas. When I asked what they thought the problem was she could not give a direct answer because they don't know what the problem is. She suggested a second opinion and then discussed other options - donor egg, donor sperm, adoption and then stated she didn't think we would need that...so why the heck bring it up. They are a reputable clinic and I was angry that they couldn't give us an answer. I know sometimes it's hard and it seems they are as baffled about it as we are. We left feeling hopeless and scared.

We met yesterday with Dr. S (one of the best in the field). He went over the questionaire (20 pages) and medical records, often stopping and explaining things to us. As I listened I smiled and began to breathe, in a very relaxing way and it was good.

We were shocked and of course very pleased to hear that ours is not a difficult case. Is he being cocky or does he know his stuff?

He believes the main problem and what caused the fertilization problem was the ovarian stimulation protocol. He gave us a lengthy explanation and drew pictures but the jist of it is that the protocol didn't give my body a chance to "recruit" follicles before I began stims. We all begin protocols with either BCP or Lupron and then a few days later begin stims. Many who are on Lupron only decrease the dose when starting stims. The problem with not waiting for AF to begin before starting stims is that our body hasn't recruited follicles and our body is then left with developing follicles solely from the meds. This makes sense...now I understand why I've gone for a baseline u/s on day 3 and they've seen 13-15 follicles but when I've gone for my u/s on day 5 of stims there are only 5-7. We recruit follicles before AF arrives but since they suppress us with Lupron or BCP this isn't the case. Another issue with Lupron is that it causes your pituitary gland to secrete too much LH and it depletes your body of LH which will then result in poor quality eggs. To counteract the depletion of LH we should also be on a GnRH antagonist. What happens most with these protocols is that the embryos are compromized and the end result is failure.

We were shocked to learn this. He explained how clinics use these protocols and overlook the overall impact it will have and he is SO correct. We've all compared protocols and have been on similar ones with only the meds being different. Before choosing my RE I went to 4 different clinics and the protocol was the same.

He recommended that we schedule a sperm DNA integrity assay to rule out problems and assess antibodies.

Besides the change in protocol the other change will be in how they grade the embryos. Their graduated embryo scoring (GES) assesses embryo quality throughout a period of 72 hours. Embryos with a score of 70-100 have a 35% likelihood of implanting.

They will also do an embryo marker expression test (EMET) which measures the genetic marker known as sHLA-G. EMET is performed 46 hours after ER to identify EMET-positive embryos. Their research has found that transfering 1 EMET positive embryo in women under 39 results in better than a 60% chance of a viable pregancy.

After hearing all of this we are confident that it can and will happen. The dr is also very sure of it.

He wanted us to take time to talk and get back to him with our decision but we, mainly Ivan, let him know that we wanted to cycle with him. FORTUNATELY he will be cycling again in NY in April. I spoke with his coordinator last night and I will begin BCP around March 13 and will begin stims April 9.

I haven't felt this hopeful in a very long time....honestly I've never felt so hopeful about IVF. I know that in the end it is all up to a higher power but I know Dr. S will get us there.

Why,What, How, When, Will ....

2006-02-13T10:11:00.000-05:00

Why is this happening?
Why can't I get PG?
Why me? (yeah the self-pity is kicking in)
What is the problem?
How can we fix it?
How do I go on?
When will I be able to get PG?
When will our dreams come true?
When will this end?
Will I ever be a mother?

I have so many questions and unfortunately no answers. I've spent the last couple of days processing how I feel. I can't believe we got another BFN. What the heck is the problem? Maybe I'm never going to have a child of my own. I don't want to give up, at least not yet. I have to hold on to my dream because giving up would hurt too much.

We're trying to be optimistic but it's difficult when we keep getting disappointments. Our quest now is to find out what is the problem. I know there has to be a reason as to why this last cycle didn't work. Nemo and Frosty were GREAT blasts and now they are gone.

I feel empty, broken, and angry. I don't want reassurances I need answers. I had only told a few people that we were cycling and when I told them the news they tried to be supportive but then started with "well there's always adoption". I'm not ready, we're not ready to go down that road so it isn't an option for us.

I can't give up and I won't.

** Thank you so much for your comforting words and support. **

Not surprised

2006-02-08T14:48:00.000-05:00

BFN

I did a HPT this morning and that's what I got. I did one yesterday and got the same so I wasn't surprised today when there was only one line. I can't believe it....why!!!!!!!!

I'm still waiting for my beta results which probably won't be in until tomorrow. I didn't go to the clinic and went to Quest lab and they did not put it in as a STAT so I may have to wait until tomorrow.

We are obviously very disappointed, angry and puzzled as to what keeps going wrong. I remember during my 1st cycle I would joke about how it wouldn't work until the third try....ha, the joke is on me. Three fresh IVFs and one FET and NO BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!

This FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE:

It's official...BFN....damn!!!!!!

I am purposely not going into details as to how I'm feeling because I don't want to lose it.

2 more days

2006-02-06T09:15:00.000-05:00

I can't believe in 2 days I will know. I was okay until Saturday. I'm feeling nervous but also hopeful. This might actually work!! I'm usually spotting by now so I'm taking that as a positive sign.

Yesterday all I kept thinking was I might be PG, I'm going to have a baby...OMG. It's scary to be hopeful but it's hard not to be.

My bum is still hurting. We stopped doing the shots on the thighs because it was worse there. If I get a BFP then we will drive to NJ to a pharmacy that has progesterone in olive oil. No pharmacy in NY seems to have it and the other ones I found were the mail order ones and I don't want to keep waiting.

Ivan is feeling very hopeful but since we seem to think alike we talked about Plan B if it's a BFN. I won't go into it now because I want to be hopeful that it will work...dont' want to jinx it. I'm dying to do a HPT but will wait until Wed. morning.

Free at Last

2006-02-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

Warden Ivan finally released me today. He wanted to extend it a few more days but I pleaded and won my case. Bed rest is not fun. Since I mostly sit at work it was no big deal to come in today and tomorrow.

Well I'm feeling hopeful...YAY!!!! It's hard not to be hopeful once they've done the transfer. Ivan is extremely optimistic and protective of me. The next week will be hard. I don't want to stress about the wait because it will do no good.

The bloating is finally starting to go down. I look about 4 months PG as opposed to 5. My bum is already reacting to the PIO shots. In order to avoid Buffalo Butt (the swelling and redness associated with the PIO shots as referred to by one of the RE's at the clinic) Ivan started giving me the shots on my thigh...doesn't hurt that much. We will alternate thighs and bum in order to decrease the horrible side effects. Hopefully it will work.

Thanks for your support during this stressful cycle, which will hopefully come to a happy ending next week.

Meet Nemo and Frosty

2006-01-31T12:54:00.000-05:00

We've named the embies Nemo and Frosty. Nemo is on top.

The transfer went well. Our fresh embie, Nemo, cultured into a perfect blast. The embryologist stated it is one of the best embryos we've had. Frosty thawed very well.

My RE and the embryologist are very hopeful about it. They think it was an excellent idea to combine the fresh with a frozen and are very optimistic. I'm neutral. Of course I want to think positive thoughts but it's hard. Right now I'm just taking it easy and dealing with the bedrest. Ivan took off yesterday and today to make sure that I don't walk around. I'm confined to the sofa or the bed. He's being very sweet and protective. I'll be out on Thursday.

Boy was this last week stressful. I wouldn't have expected it any other way. I know better then to expect things to go smoothly, which is why sometimes it's hard to be hopeful.

I want this to work so badly but I'm scared. My beta is next Wed, 2/8. I can't believe in a week I will know. For now I'm PUPO (not putting up the blinkie don't want to jinx it).

Waiting

2006-01-27T13:31:00.000-05:00

We lost one of the embryos. It stopped developing yesterday afternoon. The one that is developing is a 4 cell with no fragmentation. The embryologist stated it is textbook perfect. She didn’t want to schedule a time for the transfer in case it didn’t continue to develop. I then stated that I was not going to transfer only one and we discussed combining it with one of the frozen blasts.

I’m so frustrated with this process. Honestly I’m ready to just call it quits. Ivan was upset that I didn’t want to transfer the one that has developed and that we have to wait but at this point I think I’m entitled to make all the decisions. I’m the one going through everything.

The uncertainty of all of this is nerve wracking. I can’t believe we’ve had so much difficulties with the 2nd and 3rd cycle. Maybe I should have just done a frozen right after the first and avoided all this. Our plan all along was to do 3 fresh cycles and freeze more and use our frozen blasts as our last option. It seems that’s where we are now…not very comforting.

The embryologist was going to discuss it with the doctor and get back to me. If they are in agreement then the transfer will be on Monday.

Update:
We will be doing a day 5 transfer on Monday. The remaining embryo we have will be cultured and hopefully will develop into a blast where it then will be transferred with one of the popsicles. If it doesn't develop then we will transfer 3 pops.

Disappointment continues

2006-01-26T10:33:00.000-05:00

Fertilization report:

12 eggs retrieved
11 mature and were ICSI'd
3 fertilized
1 abnormally
2 fertilized normally

2 is what we have to work with. She explained that it appears the egg or sperm have more genetic material then needed and that is why they are not fertilizing.

They will call tomorrow and let us know how they are fertilizing. Obviously this will be a 3-day transfer unless there are none to transfer. At this point who the hell cares...it's not going to work anyway.

I am baffled and feel cheated. I just assumed that with ICSI we wouldn't have any problems. I don't know why this has happened again. While I was home yesterday I felt hopeful. That bitch hope has slapped me again.

Did someone order a dozen eggs?

2006-01-25T17:46:00.000-05:00

They got 12 eggs. Some were too far back and could not be reached.

The retrieval went well but I had some minor complications afterwards which required me to stay almost 3 hours in the recovery room. 45 minutes into the recovery and I started feeling a sharp pain on my right side which started shooting down my leg. The nurse called the doctor and they did an internal exam (as if I needed more probing, especially with the speculum). It turns out my left ovary was causing pressure and I had a muscle spasm in my lower back.

They gave me something for the pain and had me stay in the bed with a heated blanket and heated IV bags on my stomach and lower back. When the pain finally started to subside I was able to leave.

I'm home relaxing and watching episodes of Nip Tuck on DVD. Ivan is of course very attentive and scolds me when I walk around.

Tomorrow we get our first fertilization report. I am very nervous about that. That's when it started to go downhill last cycle. I keep repeating all we need is 3....yes, we are going to transfer 3.

I trigger tonight!!!

2006-01-23T15:44:00.000-05:00

I just got the call...I am so excited. I will give myself the shot tonight at 11:30. My ER is scheduled for Wednesday at 9:30.

Okay, I'm starting to feel hopeful now.

Funny I was just on the phone 5 minutes ago getting info on another clinic for cycle #4.

Hope this works!!!!!!

Waiting for the call

2006-01-23T11:30:00.000-05:00

U/S # 5 = 17 follicles

1 measuring 19 mm, 3 measuring 17 mm, 2 measuring 16, 4 measuring 15 mm, 5 measuring 12-14 1/2 mm, 2 measuring 9-10mm

Since I have 4 measuring 17 and above I might trigger tonight. They are waiting for the results of my E2 which yesterday was 2446. If it is not too high they will have me stim one extra day to help the little ones develop more. Whether I trigger today or tomorrow I am excited.

I'm so happy this part of the cycle will soon be over. I will be very pleased when I can stop the lupron. Oh but what awaits me...the dreaded PIO...OUCH. Oh well it's a small price to pay.

U/S # 4

2006-01-22T10:44:00.000-05:00

Follie count = 17 follicles.

I have 1 measuring 18 mm, 10 measuring 13-15, 5 measuring 10-12 1/2 and 2 at 8 mm. It was reassuring to see things are progressing.

I'm feeling better today. I wasn't all that depressed yesterday and haven't felt as hopeless. No positive thoughts but no negative thoughts either. As I balanced our checkbook yesterday I started thinking about what our next step would be. Could we afford another fresh cycle or should we do a FET. I stopped myself and redirected my thoughts to taking it one day at a time. Hey this might work...wouldn't that be great.

I've been thinking about how many embies to transfer. In the past we transferred 2 blasts and 2 embies but Ivan and the doctor feel we should transfer 3 this time. I have lots of reservations and fears about this but I'm leaning towards it because it will only increase our chances. What's the worst that could happen they all implant...OMG. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. It is exciting just to think about it.

On to more exciting news. Ivan has a concert this afternoon. He use to be a professional classical guitarist but this is his flamanco debut. I am so excited for him. He has been a nervous wreck these past few days. He's also been feeling down and of course blamed it on the lupron...he cracks me up.

Hope everyone is doing well. Thanks so much for your support and most of all for being hopeful for me!

U/S # 3

2006-01-20T10:17:00.000-05:00

12-13 follicles. I didn't ask about the measurements and didn't bother trying to figure it out. I just laid back and daydreamed. As much as I wanted to look at the screen I didn't. It's just so hard. I don't look at the follicles with excitement about the possibility of a pregnancy. They are just there.

I'm frustrated with my lack of hope and faith. I tried explaining to Ivan but of course we ended up arguing about it. He doesn't seem to understand why it's so hard for me to be hopeful. I'm sad to say but I'm ready to call it quits. The way I feel right now I would end this cycle now.

I'm trying to convince myself that maybe it's the meds making me feel so down about everything. Here I am doing IVF, injecting myself every night and I have no hope that it will work. At this point I don't care and that is the hardest part of all. Am I in a funk, is it the meds or am I slowly coming undone?

U/S # 2

2006-01-18T15:38:00.000-05:00

Follie count for today - 12 follies. They are measuring 7-9 mm. Things are progressing well and I'm not stressed out. I remember the excitement that I had with my first cycle. I sort of wish I had that now. It would be nice to believe that this could work.

As I sat in the waiting room, which was longer because I arrived after they had stopped doing b/w and u/s I thought about the future. Would this work? What will be the next step? What is in store for me? When will I give up? That was the worst one.

I don't want to give up but sometimes it's hard to keep going. Am I chasing a dream that will never become a reality? Have I missed all the signs that were sent to let me know this wouldn't be. Hope- where are you?

U/S # 1

2006-01-16T12:34:00.000-05:00

Today I went to the clinic for my b/w and u/s. After 4 days on stims I have 10 follicles....very happy about that. On the way to the clinic I told Ivan I wasn't going to stress about it and would be happy if there were only 5. When I saw there were 5 on the right I breathed.

Ivan asked me if I was feeling hopeful. I'm not, for now I will take it one day at a time and not stress about things. I'm going to try to avoid negative thoughts. As long as things continue to progress there is no reason for me to worry. Am I hopeful - NO, I am realistic to know that something could go wrong but I will not think about that.

The side effects are starting to decrease...fortunately. No hot flashes today and just a slight headache. Ivan on the other hand is cranky, he says it's from the lupron. For some reason he goes through mood swings while I'm cycling. I experience the physical side effects and he experiences the emotional ones. I think it is hilarious. Maybe when I'm PG he'll have the cravings and weight gain....I can dream.

For now all is well with the cycle and I'm okay.

Update:
E2 - 286
Follistim increased to 450. I go back on Wed.

IVF # 3

2006-01-12T14:45:00.000-05:00

The fun begins…I start stims tonight. In a little while I will lock my door and inject. Oh what a sight if someone were to walk in.

I’m feeling horrible. The lupron is giving me terrible headaches and I’m having hot flashes. The last couple of nights I was so hot that I had to sleep in the living room with the windows open. I keep telling myself no pain, no gain…this has to work. I'm hoping with the decrease in Lupron these annoying side effects will disappear.

Jenna called me earlier and asked if I was feeling hopeful. I want to and I think that now that I’m starting stims hope will come along. I’m worried but as with other things in life there are no guarantees. All I can do is try, hope and pray that it’s successful.

How do I prepare to start?

2006-01-09T16:29:00.000-05:00

I am suppose to start stims on Thursday. I've been anxiously waiting for this and now that it's here the eagerness is not there. I feel that I'm going through the motions. Just another thing I'm doing. It's hard to explain. I'm not going into this thinking it might work but thinking "I'm doing something to try, if it works it works". I don't have any hope that it will work. I know this is my way of coping with the disappointments and at this point after cycle 1 and 2 this might be my attempt of self-preservation.

I'm scared of another failure. I'm tired of trying to be optimistic. I haven't tried talking to Ivan because I know he won't understand how I'm feeling. At this point honestly I'm ready to call it quits. I just don't want to go through the pain (emotional) again.

I won't quit because then I will always wonder what could have been. So I will do another cycle but I'm not hopeful. At this point I have no faith and don't believe in miracles.

Am I psycho yet?

2006-01-05T09:06:00.000-05:00

Well the Lupron is definitely kicking in. I started getting headaches Tuesday evening. Yesterday's was horrible. It was my day off and I was home until 4. I managed to crawl out of bed in time to pick up my follistim pen at the clinic.

As per Ivan, I've been a little snippy and I admit that I have noticed that I'm quick to respond, of course in a negative manner. It's a small price to pay for what hopefully will be a wonderful miracle.

I'm trying not to think too much about the cycle. Once I start stims and start going to the clinic for the follie scans I know the obsession and worry will begin. It's been good so far.

Am I hopeful? I'm trying to be or at least I'm trying not to be such a pessimist. Ivan will be hopeful until the very end. We've talked about what the next step will be if we're unsuccessful again. Even if you're hopeful a Plan B is always good to have.

I'm very excited to have finally started...I'm not good with waiting. Hopefully there will finally be a happy ending to this.

Here We Go Again...

2006-01-02T19:18:00.000-05:00

I did my first shot of Lupron tonight....what a relief to finally start. Ivan is worried that I will have raging hormones and will go psycho. I'm hoping the side effects won't be too bad but if they are it is worth it. I start Follistim and Menopur on the 12th. I'm going to be hopeful until the very end.

Here is a picture of a gift that Ivan gave me on Friday for starting IVF #3. I think it is so sweet of him to give me a gift before I start each cycle. IVF #1 - Tiffany cross necklace, IVF #2 - we went to Barcelona, IVF # 3 - Angel's Whisper.

Angel's Whisper - it is a celtic belief that sleeping babies smile because angels whisper in their ears. He wrote on the card that he knows one day we will have an angel whispering to our baby.

I may not have a baby but I am blessed with a wonderful husband.

2006

2005-12-30T08:41:00.000-05:00

Wishing you the very best in 2006.

May all your dreams come true.

One down one to go

2005-12-27T21:02:00.000-05:00

Christmas is over and New Year's is just a couple of days away. I'm so glad the holidays will be over.

Christmas was okay. Christmas Eve I was feeling very down. Ivan was worried and took the day off. Although I appreciated the gesture I wished he had gone to work. I needed to be alone and he had difficulty seeing me moping around.

Before going to my FIL's for dinner I spoke with my sister....what a mistake. The conversation was going well until we started talking about faith. She believes if Ivan were to go to church things might work out. She went on and on about how I need to leave things in God's hands and accept what happens. I told her I was doing that and she alluded that by continuing with IVF after this cycle I was not. She reminded me that there were other options and that maybe that is what God wants for us. I got very upset and ended the call.

I went to my room and sobbed for about a half hour. It was difficult for Ivan to calm me. I told him about the conversation. My sister is a devout Catholic and her thinking reminded him of the nuns. He told me he doesn't believe what she said is right and that although he doesn't go to church he believes God wants us to have a family and is helping us. He thinks as long as we can try we should and that we shouldn't give up.

Although I tried to convince Ivan to go without me I got myself together and we went to my FIL's. It was a small gathering with only 2 children, who of course wanted Tia Liz to play with them. I snapped at Ivan's aunt who always greets me with "how's treatment going". Fortunately the night ended earlier then usual.

Christmas morning I went to church and felt better. I didn't have the joy and peace that they talked about but I know one day I will.

I'm off until Thursday and I've just been laying low...much to Ivan's dislike. I'm feeling down. On Friday will be 1 year since our ectopic. I can't help but think about all that has happened. What a year -- 2005 was full of so much pain, disappointment and sadness. I have to believe that 2006 will be better...for all of us.

Oh almost forgot, I got a LH surge on the OPK yesterday so I begin Lupron on Monday. I can't wait to start the cycle.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Ho Ho Ho

2005-12-23T09:05:00.000-05:00

Wishing you a Christmas filled with peace, love and happiness.

Hope and Peace

2005-12-20T11:11:00.000-05:00

I'm up to chapter 5 in Water From the Rock. I've read the chapter (Hope and Peace) about 3 times and I'm struggling with it. I understand what they are trying to say but can't apply it. It goes into detail about how hope will help us face all obstacles. Having hope gives us peace. It describes how Hannah had faith and hope that God would help her and that gave her the peace to go on with her life. How can I do that?

I'm riddled with sadness, anger, jealousy, bitterness and resentment. As you can see hope and peace are missing. At times I guess I am hopeful. Deep down I know things won't always be this way. I guess that's hope giving me the push to continue. I don't want to give up. Yes, I know there are times when I just want to say F*** it and just call it quits but I can't. Quitting would mean giving up my dream and I'm not ready for that. Will I ever be ready...I don't even want to think about that.

As I read I had many questions - how do I find hope in the midst of my pain? How can I hold on to a dream that each day seems to be slipping away? How can I be at peace when I am grieving and in much pain? I still don't have the answers but for some reason reading the chapter and the scriptures gave me a sense of strength. I took the chapter as a sign that I shouldn't give up and I have to hold on to all the hope I have.

I know it's hard for all of us but we must believe and hold on to hope.

Tagged

2005-12-19T09:49:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Lori

Seven things to do before I die:
1. Have children.
2. Get my Ph.D.
3. Start my private practice.
4. Teach in a university.
5. Go back to Greece and Prague.
6. Be the program director of an outpatient clinic.
7. Go sky diving.

Seven things I cannot do:
1. Have children naturally.
2. Cook.
3. Be patient and have hope.
4. Draw.
5. Sing
6. "Relax"
7. Swim

Seven things that attract me to my spouse:
1. His personality.
2. His body – he is very fit.
3. His sense of humor.
4. The way he interacts with children.
5. His ability to make people feel good.
6. His ability to stay positive in stressful situations.
7. His heart.

Seven things I say most often:
1. I need chocolate!!
2. I hate this.
3. I’m so tired of this.
4. Why don’t they get it?
5. Fuck – I have a potty mouth.
6. I need tea.
7. Yeah, whatever.

Seven books or series I love:
1. Lord of the Rings series
2. Left Behind series
3. A Course in Miracles
4. Return to Love
5. Mystery books
6. Cookbooks (I don’t cook but I have a nice collection)
7. Books by Freud.

Seven movies I watch over and over again:
1. When a Man Loves a Woman – I love Andy Garcia
2. You’ve Got Mail
3. Meet the Parents
4. Signs
5. Godfather series
6. Breakfast Club
7. Sleepless in Seattle

Seven people I'm curious about I'd like to join in:
1. Jenna
2. Elle
3. Teresa
4. Thalia
5. Shell
6. Heather
7. Jenn

Nurse Protocol Appt.

2005-12-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

Met with the nurse and I got my protocol. I start doing the OPK on CD 10 – 12/20. If I O on CD 14 – 12/24 I begin Lupron on 12/31 and will be able to start stims on 1/12. I must admit that being there and talking about the meds gave me a boost of optimism. I have to be hopeful and I will. I know it will be hard but I have to fight my negative thoughts. I’ve just been laying low trying not to stress myself out. Things will get better…slowly but surely.

I’m eager to start. I guess it’s safe to say that by the end of January I will be having my retrieval and early Feb. the transfer. Maybe I’ll know for Valentines. Okay, I have to take it one day at a time..once I start planning and thinking ahead I start to lose control and that’s when things start getting to me.

Yesterday was a good day. It’s been a while since I had a good day….YAY!! Ivan and I went to the movies and watched King Kong. Afterwards we got take out and went home and snuggled on the couch wearing our matching King Kong shirts…yes, he got us matching King Kong shirts.

CD 3

2005-12-13T11:28:00.000-05:00

Poking and prodding...oh what fun a baseline check is. It was a long and uncomfortable check-up. First I had to wait over 60 minutes to get called because there was a mix-up with the billing and they wanted me to pay $13,000 today....well I only had $40 on me so I was a little short to say the very least and I'm not about to charge it. Things worked out and I was able to proceed.

The b/w was painful, as they couldn’t find a vein. Then the u/s was also uncomfortable BUT no meds and I already have 11 follies. The dr said I have beautiful ovaries....let's see if they will produce beautiful eggs.

As I entered the clinic today my first thought was here we go again. I had to find something positive about it being the third cycle. I didn't want to think three strikes and you're out. I kept repeating third times a charm.

I want to be hopeful...I’m taking it one day at a time. Knowing that I will soon be starting is helping. I've also worked out with Ivan what our tentative plans for the holidays will be. I gave him the list of what gifts we need to get and he will be getting those so I will be spared another Saturday incident.

I'm not pleased that I'm feeling negative but I know its part of the territory. I know things will get better...I just need to be patient.

Thanks for your kind words on my last post. Your support is wonderful and much appreciated.

Up and Down

2005-12-11T13:51:00.000-05:00

Here we go again....the IF roller coaster. On Thursday I was full of energy, optimism and hope. I wanted things to improve. I really thought it would. My friend at work even commented that I seemed better. Thursday night Ivan and I had a nice evening together. By Friday morning it was back to reality...I came crashing down. Ivan joked about my highs and lows. I smiled and said "no I'm not bipolar I'm infertile". He didn't like that. He hates it when I say infertile but it's the truth. There's no way to sugar coat it...it is what it is.

On Friday I found out a friend at work is PG. I hugged her and had to fake being happy for her. We spoke for a while and then I went to my office put on my coat and went for a walk. It was snowing and cold but I didn't feel anything. All I kept thinking was why I couldn't be happy for others. I was angry that I had to pretend to be happy for my friend. I know why I had to pretend but it bothers me. I hate being angry and jealous of what others have and I don't.

By the time Ivan came home I was visibly not well. He hugged me and I cried in his arms for awhile. I hate crying, especially in front of Ivan. I know how much it hurts him. We talked about what was bothering and how he could help but of course it was just a small comfort.

Yesterday I went shopping with my sister. What a mistake...every where I looked there was a baby. I even went to a sporting goods store in the hopes of getting an escape but there they were. I felt they were following me...mocking me. I felt cornered and had no where to run. I gave my sister an excuse and came home. I was in bed until Ivan got home. Again the crying...just call me water works.

Today I went to church. I went in a different door in order to avoid the baby room. I settled in a pew in the front and started to read. As the priest started talking about rejoice I got flooded with sadness and started to cry. I couldn't focus on the mass or the gospel after that.

So here I am again...down. This definitely is taking a toll on me. On a good note: AF showed up...funny how that's good. Anyway looks like I'll be starting Lupron at the end of the month.

Taking back control

2005-12-08T10:05:00.000-05:00

Last night I started rereading Water From the Rock. I had only gotten to chapter 4 so I figured I would start again. As I read it I started thinking how I have to take back control. I'm letting this negativity bring me so down that it is affecting all aspects of my life. I choose to use the phrase bring me down instead of depressed although I clearly have symptoms of it but I will get through it. I want to have hope again. I want to believe. I want to think that in the end everything will work out instead of thinking what will be will be.

What sucks about IF is how it takes away so much control from us. We do all we possibly can but in the end it's not up to us. I hate not being able to plan and just relying on chance. Chance isn't always on our side and at times I feel it is my enemy. What have I done to get it to turn it's back on me?

I had a long talk with Ivan and it helped. I read something I wrote and he was able to understand how I'm feeling. He admitted that he knew things were getting to me but didn't know how to help, especially when I was pushing him away. Hey, that's my MO...pushing away is one of the things I do best.

I made a list of things that I will do to get me through this:
1) talk to Ivan
2) join a support group (that's a difficult one for me)
3) exercise
4) eating better (no more junk food for me. I have to find a healthier way to cope with things.)
5) positive thinking/affirmations

So let's see how it goes.

Faith

2005-12-06T18:22:00.000-05:00

Trust in His Timing
Rely on His Promises
Wait for His Answers
Believe in His Miracles
Rejoice in His Goodness
Relax in His Presence

This was on a card that a GF gave me on my birthday. I have it taped to my computer at work so when I'm feeling down, angry, scared, or confused I can remember who to turn to.

For months all I did was pray. Pray to God so I could get PG. My prayers weren't answered. It never dawned on me to wonder why it wasn't being answered. I just assumed my timing was wrong. I never thought about His timing.

I remember when I found out that my tubes were blocked. The doctor told me there would be no way I could get PG on my own. I was devastated and so scared and I kept praying. At the time I was reading the bible every night. I have a bible that includes explanations on scripture. I recall reading about praying for things when we are in need. I remember getting excited when I got to that part because I was in need and I was praying. I knew I would find out what had gone wrong and my prayers weren't answered. The author explained that what's important isn't whether our prayers are answered but what happens while we are waiting. I had to stop and reflect on that. So what was I doing, what had I learned from this? Did I get anything from it? Yes, faith.

I learned that in order to overcome all the challenges that I would face I had to have faith, believe, and trust. I wanted that. I wanted to believe it would happen, I wanted to have faith that God would help me, and I wanted to trust that he knew what was right. It wasn't always easy, it's still not easy. My faith increased dramatically and I felt at peace. I was able to cope with the ectopic pregnancy, the laparoscopy and being told that IVF would be my only option. I wasn't scared because I knew there was hope. In the last few weeks that hope has slowly dwindled. I go to church every Sunday but I don't have the same feeling that I did months ago. I feel as if I'm going so God can comfort me.

This Sunday during mass I prayed that God give me a sign...let me know what he wanted for me. It was my feeble attempt of asking "Am I going to have a baby". What's hard about this is not knowing. We're doing all we can do and it's gotten to the point that I'm just losing hope that it will work. I've asked God to give me the strength to get through all of this...to help me if I can't have a child. I feel as if I have to start preparing myself for that. As I write this I'm crying because the thought of not having children makes me so sad.

My heart aches when I look at Ivan. He's been noticing some changes in me and started to question me yesterday. He was very elusive about it which annoyed me. He asked if everything was okay. I laughed and responded what do you think. He went into his speech about how things are looking good and we have to be hopeful. I wanted to scream that he didn't know. I wanted to tell him that I'm angry, sad and just hate what my life has become, who I've become but I couldn't. I laughed and responded in a sarcastic manner which put an end to the discussion.

Ivan doesn't have faith but will hold on to the belief that we will have children. He thinks that as long as a doctor tells us we don't have a chance it is possible. If it were up to him we would do IVF until we had a baby, even if that meant 10 or more cycles. I on the other hand am getting so negative that I'm ready to just call it quits. I won't because I have to give it a try. When we started we both agreed that we would do 3 IVF cycles so the next will be our last. After that we will do a FET and then it's quits. Ivan's already looking into countries we can go to. I won't agree to that.

So here I am, no hope but continuing. I guess I have to continue because as long as I continue I don't have to face the realization of not having children.

Going Forward

2005-12-05T13:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you have to be in a rut in order to go forward and that's where I am. I'm still feeling negative about EVERYTHING but I'm dealing with it. I guess I have some coping skills after all. I'm not going to try to "bounce back" or pretend. I'm going to stay where I am and let it be. It's the only way to process and go forward without unresolved issues.

I've been feeling very negative about my body, in particular those darn tubes that are preventing me from conceiving naturally. I remember how months ago I wish I could just remove them myself. No, it would not have been a pretty sight but in it's own way it would have given me closure. I hate leaving things up to chance. I hate not knowing. Trying to be hopeful when chances are so slim.

I'm questioning all I've done to see if there's something I did to cause this or as I'm really thinking to deserve this. I know there is nothing I did or anything any of you have done to cause IF but sometimes we have to blame someone and who better then ourselves. It isn't right and it doesn't answer our questions or make us feel better but it gives us somewhere to target our anger. Yes, I'm directing my angry feelings to myself. I'm quite aware that this isn't healthy but as long as I'm not hurting myself it's okay to internalize my problems.

I went to church yesterday in search of peace...I'm still looking. The priest announced that on Thursday they would have the annointment of the sick. My sister looked at me as if saying "hey, why don't you come to that". I told her I'm not sick my tubes are distorted and closed there's a difference. We've had this discussion before. I've gone to 2 healing masses with my parents because they believe it will help. I don't have the same faith they do. I know in the end it is all up to God but I don't think a priest can put his hand on my head and "heal me". Oh if it were that simple IF wouldn't exist. I'm well aware that faith does play an important role in healing but I will leave that for another post.

So for now here I am and I'll be here for a while. Thanks for your support on my previous post. Most of all thanks for not offering reassurance but giving me validation...I needed that.

Call me Ms. Negative

2005-12-02T12:59:00.000-05:00

Still feeling down. Just can't find anything to be happy or content with. This cycle just got me down. Ivan has been noticing and I have to pretend that I'm just tired but I'm not tired. I'm angry and sad. Sad for what I don't have and angry that my body isn't cooperating. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why do we have to go through this? Why can't it be easier? Why oh why?!?!

I know I won't get any answers to this but just expressing it feels good. I want to yell but at the same time I don't have the energy. I'm emotionally and physically drained.

I feel negative about everything. It's hard to be hopeful for me or for anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone because if I do I will just cry. Email is my mode of communication and even that I'm starting to censor.

Yep, I've hit a low. I feel as if I'm in the bottom of a pit and I'm going to stay there. First because I can't get out and second because I'm afraid to. There aren't any words to make me feel better because what I need, what I want is a guarantee and that is impossible.

Blah

2005-11-30T12:57:00.000-05:00

Blah best describes how I have been feeling. I'm not in the mood to do anything...I'm feeling down and irritable. As Ivan has mentioned, in the last couple of days everything is getting on my nerves. I'm just not happy with the way things are. I'm not happy with the place that I'm in.

My negative attitude is now affecting my job. I'm just not into it, I feel as if I'm in a rut. During my sessions I'm distracted, thinking about other things...of course all I think about is having a baby and the possibility that I might not have a child.

Yep, I'm really negative!!!!!

I even started considering looking for another job. After talking to Ivan I realize that would be a mistake. Starting a new job as I'm cycling would not be easy and maybe not even possible. Anway in the end I would feel the same.

I'm also starting to question my ability as a therapist. I love what I do and I know that I can help the kids but right now I'm not doing that. I know these feelings have to do with how I feel about myself and not being able to get PG.

I've felt this way before and I've overcome it....it's this darn IF roller coaster...we all know how that is. For now I will just suppress (that's what I do best) and hope that I will bounce back soon.

Life sometimes just sucks

2005-11-28T22:58:00.000-05:00

The last couple of days haven't been easy. The holidays just depress me. It's about family and my "addition" is missing. I'm tired of pretending and I don't think I can keep it up for long.

I have a couple of things going on that are bothering me. I had a falling out with 3 of my closest friends. I guess we are all at fault but right now all I can see is how they let me down. My GF told me last night that she misses the way I use to be...I miss who I was. I'm disappointed and angry that they haven't been as supportive as I would have liked them to be. I have a tendency to shut down when something happens but now is not the time for them to "respect" that. Should I be angry at them for not making attempts or should I be angry at myself for shutting people out?

I'm dreading the holidays. I don't want to celebrate....I don't feel like celebrating. I'm considering just staying home and going to mass on Christmas Eve...it will bring me peace and that's what I need right now.

I see myself getting bitter. It's just hard to find the positive in things right now.

One Day At a Time

2005-11-25T21:03:00.000-05:00

I'm going to start taking it one day at a time. I survived my birthday and thanksgiving. Now Christmas and New Years awaits me. I know this year the holidays will be especially difficult. Last year they were hard because of my MIL's passing. This year it will be hard because of our disappointments and loss.

It's hard to be hopeful and I want to be. I'm trying very hard to be positive. Today I started acupuncture. It was very relaxing. As I laid there with all the needles (ear, arms, forehead, head, legs, and of course stomach) all I kept thinking was how this was going to help make it a better environment for the baby. She gave me some herbs to take 3x a day, which I will do until I start stims. I will go 2x a week for acupuncture...hope it helps.

For now I will focus on doing all I can and not stressing myself out. I'm not stressed but I don't want to get overwhelmed with negative thoughts.

36 today

2005-11-22T00:05:00.000-05:00

Another birthday...I won’t say Happy Birthday to me because I’m just not feeling happy. As I wait for Ivan to come home from work I can’t help but think about all that has happened this past year. Our never ending BFNs, the ectopic, the laparoscopy and hearing the dr. say under no circumstances should she try to get pregnant on her own, then the chemical pregnancy, and our recent BFN. Yep, that sums up my 35th year...not much to be happy about.

I guess there are many things I can be happy about but they just don’t fill the void in me. I am blessed SO blessed to have a wonderful husband. He told me the other night that he had no doubt things would work out. My favorite was when he said "infertility didn’t come between us, it made us closer and we won’t give up".

I wish I had just a tenth of his enthusiasm and optimism. I’m trying so hard to be hopeful but it’s very difficult. I read something the other day that continues to haunt me, "hoping can break us". I know what they meant because that’s what I feel now. Although I went into IVF #2 with little hope it didn’t help prepare me for the disappointment. How do I start the 3rd cycle with no hope but knowing there is a lot at stake. This will most likely be our last cycle, at least for a while. Emotionally, physically and financially we need a break. Who knows this in fact might be our last cycle and if it’s a BFN with it comes the reality that we might not have children. I don’t want to think that …my heart aches when I think about that. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to run and not look back. I wish I could sleep for days and wake up and this was all a bad dream but it’s not a dream…it’s my life.

I think you all know what my birthday wish will be, the same one for the last 2 years. Will it come true…only time will tell.

Dr appt.

2005-11-17T20:25:00.000-05:00

We met with our RE for our f/u after our BFN. I had my list of questions and agenda regarding what changes I thought we should do. It turns out they were the same changes the dr recommended.

For the next IVF they will do ICSI with assisted hatching; protocol has been changed to Lupron and Follistim; and I will do acupuncture. I left feeling hopeful and actually believing it might work.

I've been feeling so down these past few days and to actually feel optimistic is such a wonderful feeling. Oh, the best thing is we will be able to start after my Dec. cycle. I was afraid we would have to wait until Feb but she stated it wasn't necessary. So in January I begin my injections.

I want to be hopeful and rid myself of negative feelings but you know how that is. I will do the best I can to think positive thoughts. Right now I feel positive and that's good.

P.S. thanks for your supportive and encouraging words....it means a lot to me. Thank you for understanding and for caring....you are all great!

It's official....BFN

2005-11-11T15:28:00.000-05:00

I got the call a little while ago. I must admit that despite the BFN on the HPT I was still hoping there might be a chance....who was I kidding. I knew the odds were against us but I'm glad I gave it a try. I would have wondered "what could have been" if I hadn't done the transfer with these embies.

I feel empty and sort of numb. When I saw there was only 1 line I was okay...I was expecting it. I didn't know how I would tell Ivan. He was still sleeping when I did the test. He woke up and saw me walking around and asked what was wrong. I told him and then he held me while I cried. It was so good to let it out and have him comfort me.

I keep telling myself it just wasn't meant to be but that doesn't help ease the pain...I guess time will.

Not surprised

2005-11-11T10:26:00.000-05:00

I did a HPT this morning....BFN. Waiting for my beta to confirm.

Feeling better

2005-11-08T09:36:00.000-05:00

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and good wishes. The spotting has stopped and I'm just going to try to hold on to the possibility that I might be PG. I'm not going to obsess over whether I am or I'm not. I don't know how many times I went to the bathroom yesterday to see if the bleeding had started or stopped....very frustrating.

Today I am just going to remain calm or at least try to. Ivan remains optimistic and very hopeful and I will try to do the same.

I'm feeling all kinds of symptoms - tired, nauseous, don't want to eat (except junk food), lower back pain, burping, and sore boobs BUT I know it probably is the progesterone so I will not start doing the I'm Preggo dance....hoping on Friday I will be able to.

Anxious and not too hopeful

2005-11-07T09:45:00.000-05:00

8 days past transfer....it is getting to me. I'm anxious and starting to lose hope. Yesterday I had some bleeding and today it's spotting. I hate this!!! I'm trying to believe that it might be implantation bleeding but it is so hard.

On Friday I will know if I'm PG. I have to admit that now I'm starting to feel the anxiety. I know that right now I am or I'm not. They have snuggled in or they are somewhere else. I will not test until Friday...I only have 1 more test left and I'm not going to buy any more...it will only make me worse. I hate not knowing...don't we all.

I've been doing my best to think positive thoughts but it was so hard last night when Ivan came home from work. I told him about the bleeding and right away he started talking about implantation bleeding. He is trying to be hopeful until the very end. We discussed the possibility that it might be a BFN but how do we truly prepare ourselves for that. It doesn't get better or easier. It's like the walls just come crashing down on you, dreams that won't become reality.

Okay, I must stop and only think positive thoughts. I will try to remind myself that for the next couple of days. All I can do is hope and not lose it. I can do that. Hopefully by the end of the week I will have great news to share.

Trying to be hopeful

2005-11-03T09:58:00.000-05:00

4 days past 3 day transfer…implantation could be occurring.

I’m doing my very best to be hopeful and not give into my negativity….it seems to be working. Fortunately I’m not going crazy and obsessing. Going back to work on Tuesday helped. Although once I got here I felt guilty that I should have been home in bed resting so they could snuggle in but being home would mean I would get consumed with all sorts of feelings. Fortunately work isn’t that stressful or physical. Although Tuesday I had some kids that were extremely restless and I was moving a lot but these lil guys have proven to be strong and I’m sure they can make it…if it’s possible and most of all if it’s meant to be.

It’s funny how for months all I did was think about wanting to be pregnant and now that I might actually be I have to remind myself that sometimes things happen for a reason. I know in my heart that I will have a baby but if it’s not this time then it will be next time. My prayers and thoughts have changed so much…I’ve changed so much. I feel wiser, stronger but still struggling with patience. I’ve learned that I have to have faith and that will get me through everything.

Since I'm trying to be hopeful the PUPO blinkie goes up again.

The fun begins...yeah right

2005-10-31T12:16:00.000-05:00

The transfer went very well...not much discomfort. The highlight was when they put the embies in and they twinkle like stars...my tears just started coming down. We got a picture of them and I keep looking at it and hoping.

Well I must start off by saying that I'm not too hopeful about it working. Before the transfer we met with the doctor and embryologist and were informed that the late bloomers had stopped dividing. All we had were the original 2 which were a 4 and a 6 cell. For a day 3 transfer they prefer 6-8 cell. We discussed options: 1) go through with the transfer; 2) wait to see if they would develop to blasts; 3) wait and do a FET in a couple of weeks with our snow babies. I didn't even look at Ivan and just blurted out I'm not leaving without my babies and we went through with the transfer. I just have to give them a chance otherwise I will always wonder. We've already discussed Plan B - doing another fresh cycle in 3-4 months.

It's hard to be hopeful when I know my chances are slim but I don't want to give up hope. Crossing my fingers that they will be strong and will stick.

Updated:

Ivan was able to scan the pic for me so here are my lil ones

Embryo Transfer tomorrow!!!

2005-10-29T13:51:00.000-04:00

Today's fertilization report was more promising. The 2 that fertilized are 3 cell with no fragmentation AND we got 2 others that fertilized. They are 3 cell with 10% fragmentation. Anything with less then 15% fragmentation is good. Although I only wanted to put back 2 I'm taking the extra 2 as a sign that I might need an extra one so we will be putting back 3....please no triplets!!

Thanks for your words of encouragement and ongoing support. I will try to update on Monday when Ivan "the warden" isn't looking. I will be on bedrest for 3 days or as Ivan put it on "lock down".

I'm feeling much better about this. I will be hopeful until the very end.

Worst Fertilization Report

2005-10-28T13:00:00.000-04:00

The embryologist called and it definitely was not what I was expecting to hear.

19 eggs retrieved
17 mature
2 fertilized

ONLY 2 are fertilizing....I can't believe this. This just isn't good. He couldn't even come up with something positive to say because there is a possibility that these 2 won't make it. He mentioned my dr is going to call me about using the frozen blasts but I didn't want to do that. I'm numb...I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel.

There is no hope right now...no positive thoughts helping me go on.

Update:

I called the embryologist b/c with my shock I wasn't able to really ask questions. Right now the problem is unexplained. The sperm and eggs are not communicating....they don't know why. They are keeping the eggs that did not fertilize in the petri dish for another day to see if they will fertilize...maybe they are late bloomers who knows. I can only hope that the 2 that fertilized will start dividing. If tomorrow they are between 2-4 cell then that is a good sign and we might be able to do a transfer.

Momma hatched a lot of eggs

2005-10-27T13:34:00.000-04:00

ER went very well...we got 19 eggs. The doctor was very pleased and hopes we can do a day 5 transfer. I can't believe this stage in the cycle is over...Milestone 1 down...2 more to go (ET and beta).

I can't believe it's almost over....it was very fast...I guess it really wasn't but it wasn't as stressful. I can't wait for tomorrow's fertilization report to see how many were mature eggs and are fertilizing.

I will update when I hear from the embryologist.

Almost there...

2005-10-25T17:43:00.000-04:00

I trigger tonight and ER is on Thursday. This cycle went by fast and it was stress-free after day 7. I’m glad I didn’t get obsessed and was able to take it one day at a time….it made such a difference. I’m crossing my fingers that most of the eggs are mature and will fertilize normally although in the end I only need 2. You can imagine how excited I am especially since the last couple of days I’ve been feeling some discomfort and my belly is bruised oh but wait I forgot the fun shots begin…progesterone…ouch!!!

Ivan is already starting to feel nervous about his contribution. He has been so stressed about the cycle…you would think he was the one doing everything. It’s funny because he goes through all the emotional changes that I’m suppose to. I wonder what will happen when I’m pregnant.

They're growing....

2005-10-22T11:30:00.000-04:00

Went for another scan today....16 follicles!!!! There are about 5 measuring 13 and the rest are between 9-11. I have to start going now on a daily basis for monitoring. Based on the last cycle I predict the retrieval will be at the end of the week probably Friday. I'm tempted to make a bet with Ivan.

I can't believe I am half way there. I feel as if I waited so long and now that I am cycling it is going pretty fast. This cycle has been more relaxing and fortunately hasn't been as emotional. I'm trying to be hopeful and in some ways I am. I know all I can do is hope and wait and indulge in my comfort food.

Thanks for the support...you are all great!!

Things are progressing...

2005-10-20T21:29:00.000-04:00

I went today for my 2nd follie scan. On Tuesday I had 7 follies and today I had 13...YAY. I think you all know how worried I was that there were only 7. I feel such a relief and I'm happy to say I'm feeling positive. They are all measuring small and I didn't ask for the exact numbers because then I will "obsess" about that. When I go back on Sat. I will ask. Medications were not increased and I will not being doing that on my own...at least not yet. ER is for sometime next week....I'm getting excited....we're making babies.

The ride begins.....

2005-10-18T22:08:00.000-04:00

I went for my first follie scan today. I was so nervous. As I waited for the dr I kept repeating "numbers don't matter". I was already trying to convince myself that the amount of follies was no big deal. I remember how last time I was disappointed when on day 5 I only had 14 follies....can you believe I was disappointed. Well how do you think I felt when there were only 7 follies...very disappointed and scared. The dr was optimistic and said "you are where you should be". As I was getting dressed I started plotting what I would do to develop a growth spurt...let's not forget how I increased my meds on my own last time and it worked I got 24 eggs. Well after much contemplation I decided against it and I'm feeling okay with my 7 follies.... thanks Cat and Jenna.

I'm not going to obsess with numbers...it will drive me crazy and that was exactly how I was last cycle. I will be happy with how many I get and have faith that I will get good quality embies.

My E2 levels were fine and they didn't increase my meds...darn. I go back on Thursday for more b/w and another scan...don't you just love those.

October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2005-10-15T13:08:00.000-04:00

Remembering all our angels.

May they know they are missed and loved.

IVF # 2

2005-10-13T00:10:00.000-04:00

I can't believe 3 months ago I was starting my first IVF cycle. I remember how nervous I was. I look back now and find humor in my anxiety. Today there is no anxiety and unfortunately only a little hope. I'm eager to start the cycle just to start but I'm not feeling too hopeful. I am well aware that this is my defense mechanism in action.

Ivan is being wonderful about this. He is upset that we have to do another cycle because of what I will have to go through. I tell ya it hurts him more then it hurts me. Can't wait until we start the progesterone injections again...that will be so much fun. He made me put away the syringes so he wouldn't have to see them.

So my journey continues. I feel stronger but in a way also "cold". I just don't want to feel anything...I'm afraid to. Feeling causes so much pain.

So how does one start an IVF cycle with no hope of it working...read on and enjoy the ride.

God Told Me No

2005-10-10T22:16:00.000-04:00

Recently Ivan has been having feelings of ambivalence towards God. He is riddled with anger and sadness because of the loss of his mother and our difficulties. My sister gave him a spanish Christian cd with this song and she hoped that it would bring him some peace. The words gave me a sense of peace and comfort and helped me understand that it's all God's will. I translated the words and wanted to share the song with you.

God Told Me No

I told God that I wanted patience,
and God told me no, He told me no,
that patience is a product of tribulation
it is not granted, it is a conquest.
I asked God to take my pride,
He told me no,
it is something that I must surrender.
I told God that I wanted riches,
and He told me no,
that I must learn to depend on him.
I asked God to heal my mother,
He told me no,
it is a process that we must go through
in my time I will act, understand it
because I am God.

I've finally understood to do your will
that you are my Master and my guide is you.
What the Holy Spirit says that's what I will do
Here, in you and in me reigns God.

I asked God to save my country,
and He told me no, That first you must be humble.
If all in the land will be humble,
that in which my name is invoked,
I will save your country and will forgive all.

I've finally understood to do your will
that you are my Master and my guide is you.
What the Holy Spirit says that's what I will do
Here, in you and in me reigns God.

I asked God if he loved me,
and He told me yes, you are finally understanding.
Sometimes he tells you yes
And other times he puts you on "hold"
or in waiting,
But I have learned to be pleased
Even if he tells me no.

I've finally understood to do your will
that you are my Master and my guide is you.
What the Holy Spirit says that's what I will do
Here, in you and in me reigns God.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

2005-10-07T17:36:00.000-04:00

I found comfort in these words and wanted to share with you..

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me."

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?"

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility."

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."

While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Waiting sucks

2005-10-03T13:59:00.000-04:00

One more week of BCP and then I begin stims on Thursday 10/13. I am anxious and excited about starting. It’s hard to be hopeful when I know there might be another disappointment. I feel as if I have to prepare myself for this. It’s weird to want something and pray for it and then also pray for the strength to face a disappointment. I know that what ever happens I will get through it.

It feels different this time. I guess partly since I know what the cycle entails. Ivan is getting nervous. I guess he is starting to understand that it might not be a successful cycle. He was so optimistic last time but experience can take that away from you.

Nothing much going on besides this. At this point this is all that is on my mind and schedule.

Back to reality!

2005-09-28T18:51:00.000-04:00

We got back yesterday. We had a wonderful time...it was great to get away...we sure needed it. It was very relaxing yet lots of fun. Didn't do much thinking about TTC except when I saw PG women and babies. I was very surprised by the amount of PG women vacationing...of course I was jealous but I know my day will come...trying to be hopeful.

I met with the nurse today and got my protocol. I continue on the BCP until 10/10 and then begin stims on 10/13. ER is estimated to be around the week of 10/23. I am excited to start and trying to be hopeful...I think you all know how it is. You want to be hopeful but yet prepare yourself for a disappointment.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Bon Voyage

2005-09-17T11:07:00.000-04:00

Barcelona and France here I come!!!

I am so excited. I think this is the most excited I've been about any of our trips, including our honeymoon. I just can't wait to get away and just try to relax and maybe even not think about any of this. We both need this so badly... this has been such a difficult year. We leave tonight and will be back on the 27th.

Take care!

Two nice surprises!

2005-09-15T12:41:00.000-04:00

1st surprise -

I met with the Dr yesterday and had an u/s. Ovaries are not swollen and are back to normal. It looks as if I O'd last week so she thinks that the bleeding was irregular bleeding and not AF....SO....I can proceed with a fresh cycle. I start BCP next week for 3 weeks and then on Oct. 13 start stims. ER should be around the week of 10/24. I am so excited!!

2nd surprise -

Ivan surprised me yesterday with a gift ... the bottom of a bikini and stated I would need it for our vacation. I found that odd since it's cool in London and we won't be near a beach. He then told me we are going to Barcelona and France!! Barcelona had been my 1st choice but I couldn't find anything around the time we wanted to go so I figured we could go back to London. I am so excited about this!! So next week I will be having some much needed drinks on the beach...but with my top on :)

Acceptance

2005-09-12T21:12:00.000-04:00

Sometimes in order to go forward, in order to go on you have to accept things. For me, it means accepting that I'm in pain...I'm sad and angry and that is stopping me from being totally happy. I complain about IF but I've given it that power. I'm realizing and understanding that what I'm going through is one of the stages of grief. I'm accepting that I'm infertile...baby making challenged. I feel I need to accept this but not give up on my dream.

Over the weekend I spoke with Ivan and I just felt so terrible for him. It's my fault we can't have a baby and I see the pain in his eyes. He said the sweetest thing to me that made me feel so loved and made me realize just how blessed I am.

I'm also starting to accept that people will say insensitive things and there is nothing I can do about it. Getting angry makes me feel worse. If I just remember that this will happen then I won't take it so personal and at times hold grudges. I'm not saying they are right for being insensitive but I need to remember that although well intentioned they do not understand.

I think I am going to allow myself to move forward and maybe even feel happiness. I'm looking forward to our 3rd anniversary next week and our vacation in London. I will just "be in the moment" and accept the good things that I have.

Never a dull moment

2005-09-09T18:58:00.000-04:00

Well AF showed up...2 weeks early!!!! What this means is that it throws off my FET cycle...pushes it back 4 weeks. Last night and today I kept having mixed feelings about the FET so I'm wondering if this is a sign to proceed with a fresh cycle instead. I had no intention of doing a FET except as a last resort. When the DR mentioned it yesterday I think I got caught up in the "optimism in the air" and agreed to it. I also agreed to it because I didn't want to wait another 4 weeks...we all know how difficult waiting is.

I talked with Ivan tonight and I was able to express my feelings and reservations about the FET. He understood and stated that whatever I wanted to do would be fine with him. He would prefer a FET so my body doesn't have to go through stims all over again but I don't mind so we are going to do a fresh cycle in Oct. I will be contacting my DR on Monday to let her know. I do feel better about this and more hopeful that it might work. So ladies bear with me for the next month and enjoy the ride...remember there's never a dull moment when you're TTC.

Next step...FET

2005-09-08T17:34:00.000-04:00

We met with the RE today and discussed our cycle outcome and the next step. She recommended that we do a frozen embryo transfer with our lil popsicles. She stated that our chances would be the same as with a fresh because the blasts are grade 4AA. My ovaries are still swollen from the hyperstimulation so doing a FET will also be better for my body.

Although she was very optimistic and Ivan is very hopeful I'm not. It's hard to be. I'm just pleased to be starting a new cycle. Will I be as optimistic as before ...NO... and let's not forget I really wasn't optimistic to begin with. I feel as if I need to prepare for a disappointment and the only way is to be this way. I know it is not the best thing but for now it will have to do.

AF should arrive around 9/19 and on day 4 I will begin estrogen injections for 3 weeks and then we will do the transfer, estimated to be after 10/14. So the journey continues.

Infertility hurts

2005-09-06T14:17:00.000-04:00

I started reading a book Water from the Rock…Finding God’s comfort in the midst of Infertility and they eloquently describe infertility as a painful, raging storm. It is a dream crushed and a loss that must be grieved. I know I’ve been grieving but my grief has turned into anger. Anger that I can’t have a baby. Anger that I have to do IVF. Anger that no matter what I do there are no guarantees.

I found out today that one of my close friends had her baby yesterday. It felt good to feel happy for her. After I hung up I went for a walk and then it registered …someone else has a baby. She was one of those who got PG the first time…lucky her…unlucky me. I’m tired of being upset about all this. I’m sad that I initially avoided seeing her. The thought of seeing her PG was too much. She represents what I want most and cannot have.

On Thursday we meet with the RE and I’m hoping she will tell us we can start again in 2 weeks. Emotionally I can’t handle waiting another month. What has been helping me go on is the prospect of starting in 2 weeks. I’m sad for Ivan. I hate how he is feeling. I’m sad that he is losing what little faith he had. This is such a frustrating process. I feel lonely, angry, so angry. I’m trying to be hopeful but it’s so hard…. infertility sucks and it hurts so much.

A New Beginning

2005-09-01T19:18:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling better. The sadness is starting to settle and the anger is slowly chipping away. I have to believe that there was a reason for this although it caused me much pain. I'm starting to feel better about moving forward. I will always have fears but I can't let them stop me .... I won't give up!

I'm looking into going away for our 3rd wedding anniversary but can't make any definite plans until we meet with the Dr on Thursday. If we can start the next cycle then it will be around that time. I definitely want to do something for our anniversary and would like to go to London or Prague for a week but I'm okay with doing something nearby.

What a year this has been. I remember how I felt a year ago when the BFNs were just starting. The pain is still there but it is different. Am I stronger? I think so... I have to be.

Reading Jenna's blog entry today stirred up so many feelings, especially about God. I don't want to be angry and I want to hold on to my faith, which has been dwindling. I know he is comforting me and giving me the strength to face each day. I'll never know why I had to go through IF only he knows, maybe one day we'll talk about it. Where's the lesson in all of this....still searching.

Thank you all so much for your support, encouragement and comforting words. You have walked with me in this long journey and have helped me when I've been at my lowest. My blog friends...you are all wonderful and much appreciated.