Sometimes life just sucks....there's no other way to put it. This weekend I felt so low and alone. Sometimes it's easy to pretend all is okay. Sometimes I can "block out" what's missing and what I want so much but for some reason I cannot have. I've gone through the processing, I've tried to understand why this is happening. What did I do? Is this a punishment? I've gone through it all and I know that I will never know why this is happening. I must accept this and deal with it but as we all know INFERTILITY SUCKS. Yeah, that will be my new blinkie but it's not hopeful is it and I'm trying to be hopeful or at least pretend that I am.

It's all a game, a charade. I wake up every morning to the same thing, to that emptiness inside. I hate that there is nothing I can do to fix this. I have to rely on others. I have to hope that what ever we do we will succeed but it's so hard. For the control freak that I am, having no control over this, not being able to do anything is very hard for me. Right now it's all about waiting and we know how we feel and deal with waiting...it's not easy.

I hate that I really can't talk to anyone about this. They just don't understand. Ivan tries but it's hard when he is also trying to deal with this and he tries to comfort me but I'm not looking for comfort. I guess for now this will do.

So the charade continues and my life is on hold....yeah, that's how it feels.

When Nature Is Not Enough
IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for.
About Me Name: Liz Location: New York I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew. View my complete profile	Monday, April 25, 2005 Trying to be Positive Sometimes life just sucks....there's no other way to put it. This weekend I felt so low and alone. Sometimes it's easy to pretend all is okay. Sometimes I can "block out" what's missing and what I want so much but for some reason I cannot have. I've gone through the processing, I've tried to understand why this is happening. What did I do? Is this a punishment? I've gone through it all and I know that I will never know why this is happening. I must accept this and deal with it but as we all know INFERTILITY SUCKS. Yeah, that will be my new blinkie but it's not hopeful is it and I'm trying to be hopeful or at least pretend that I am. It's all a game, a charade. I wake up every morning to the same thing, to that emptiness inside. I hate that there is nothing I can do to fix this. I have to rely on others. I have to hope that what ever we do we will succeed but it's so hard. For the control freak that I am, having no control over this, not being able to do anything is very hard for me. Right now it's all about waiting and we know how we feel and deal with waiting...it's not easy. I hate that I really can't talk to anyone about this. They just don't understand. Ivan tries but it's hard when he is also trying to deal with this and he tries to comfort me but I'm not looking for comfort. I guess for now this will do. So the charade continues and my life is on hold....yeah, that's how it feels. \| posted by Liz at 8:56 PM \| back to main page
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