About Me

Name: Liz

Location: New York

I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew.

That is how I feel. These past few days have been very hard. I'm trying to stay focused but I also want to allow myself to feel...to mourn, to be angry and to go on. I'm so angry that this happened. I'm angry for the pain that Ivan is feeling. I'm angry that for one week we believed. I wish it had just been a negative instead of this cruel joke. I've tried to go through the "everything happens for a reason" but there is no comfort there. I will never understand why this happened.

The hard part about being home and thinking is that you start to think about your life. I found myself processing this past year....all the disappointments, the things I did not do, how much I've changed. My life has changed so much. I am so angry at being "infertile"...it has taken so much from me. I think I'm starting to get bitter...but I feel I am entitled to that. I hope that as time passes these feelings will also pass.

So how do I hold on to a dream? How do I believe? How do I have faith that in the end things will work out? I have to keep telling myself that I will have a baby but how do I know that. I feel as if I have to go on pretending, it seems that is all I do. I have to pretend that I'm not hurting inside, that I'm not broken.

Believing in a dream hurts but not having a dream hurts more. So I guess I will continue to dream.....

When Nature Is Not Enough
IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for.
About Me Name: Liz Location: New York I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew. View my complete profile	Wednesday, August 24, 2005 Angry, sad and add a small dose of self-pity... That is how I feel. These past few days have been very hard. I'm trying to stay focused but I also want to allow myself to feel...to mourn, to be angry and to go on. I'm so angry that this happened. I'm angry for the pain that Ivan is feeling. I'm angry that for one week we believed. I wish it had just been a negative instead of this cruel joke. I've tried to go through the "everything happens for a reason" but there is no comfort there. I will never understand why this happened. The hard part about being home and thinking is that you start to think about your life. I found myself processing this past year....all the disappointments, the things I did not do, how much I've changed. My life has changed so much. I am so angry at being "infertile"...it has taken so much from me. I think I'm starting to get bitter...but I feel I am entitled to that. I hope that as time passes these feelings will also pass. So how do I hold on to a dream? How do I believe? How do I have faith that in the end things will work out? I have to keep telling myself that I will have a baby but how do I know that. I feel as if I have to go on pretending, it seems that is all I do. I have to pretend that I'm not hurting inside, that I'm not broken. Believing in a dream hurts but not having a dream hurts more. So I guess I will continue to dream..... \| posted by Liz at 11:34 AM \| 6 Comments: Anonymous commented at 12:49 PM~ I'm sorry for all that you have been through and for how you are feeling. You have every right to feel the way you do. Don't lose hope and hold on to your dream! Jenn commented at 1:09 PM~ Liz - I really wish there were some magic words that I could say to take all of your pain away - you absolutely have the right to feel the way you do right now. Please know that I am thinking about you and your husband. If there is ANYTHING I can do - please let me know. Allie commented at 1:38 PM~ Wow. You are so right, Liz. The dream can set you up for so much heartache and disappointment, but to give up the dream hurts even more. I wish there was a magic wand that would wipe this all away. For you, for me, and for all of us all over the world who feel punished and bitter. I'm so sorry I haven't found that wand yet. I'm so sorry for all that you and Ivan are going through. Thinking of you everyday. Hugs. Jessigirl commented at 1:22 AM~ I live by the promise that God has a purpose for my life. When I had to give my little girl up for adoption 7 yrs ago, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do but five years later I finally got to be pregnant with a miracle baby that was made on our honeymoon. We lost that baby at 8 weeks and I just couldn't understand why. 4 months later I got pregnant with my son Ashton. To say that everything happens for a reason is no comfort. It is not something we want to hear when facing a tragedy such as yours. Stand by God's promise to you, to see you happy and fullfilled in every way. Question his intentions and pray for your eyes and heart to be open to the answer he gives. Most importantly, allow yourself to feel every emotion and to grieve, your ARE entitled to it, and so is Ivan. I will pray for peace in your heart. Love, Jess P.S. please forgive me if I sound ass-vicey... Ally commented at 11:19 AM~ Liz, I know this is a tough time for you. I truly believe that you are a strong and courageous women who will persevere through these difficulties. Take this time to grieve,to cry and to mourn. It will start the healing process. If you need me for anything, please let me know. Take care of yourself Liz. April commented at 11:53 AM~ I am so sorry for what you've been through. I am just so sorry. So incredibly sorry. Want to Post a Comment? back to main page
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