IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for. |
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About Me
I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew. |
Wednesday, August 24, 2005 Angry, sad and add a small dose of self-pity...
That is how I feel. These past few days have been very hard. I'm trying to stay focused but I also want to allow myself to feel...to mourn, to be angry and to go on. I'm so angry that this happened. I'm angry for the pain that Ivan is feeling. I'm angry that for one week we believed. I wish it had just been a negative instead of this cruel joke. I've tried to go through the "everything happens for a reason" but there is no comfort there. I will never understand why this happened.
The hard part about being home and thinking is that you start to think about your life. I found myself processing this past year....all the disappointments, the things I did not do, how much I've changed. My life has changed so much. I am so angry at being "infertile"...it has taken so much from me. I think I'm starting to get bitter...but I feel I am entitled to that. I hope that as time passes these feelings will also pass. So how do I hold on to a dream? How do I believe? How do I have faith that in the end things will work out? I have to keep telling myself that I will have a baby but how do I know that. I feel as if I have to go on pretending, it seems that is all I do. I have to pretend that I'm not hurting inside, that I'm not broken. Believing in a dream hurts but not having a dream hurts more. So I guess I will continue to dream..... 6 Comments:
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