- Name: Liz
- Location: New York
I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew.
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Friday, August 26, 2005
The pretending continues
I went back to work yesterday and it was an overall uneventful day…fortunately. Didn’t have much to do and I didn’t have to interact with anyone. I was able to stay in my office all day. I went for a walk with a friend, who I had told what happened. Her response when I told her on Monday was exactly what I expected…I’m sorry and other things, which just annoyed me. As much as I wanted to tell her I didn’t because I knew that she was doing the best she could. What bothers me is that I have to keep my feelings to myself and not tell someone how they make me feel. I have on other occasions told her that I have thought some of her remarks have been insensitive and she tries to "think before she speaks". I know it is impossible for people to understand how I feel. Sometimes I wish I could just be in a bubble and be alone. I hate that I have to pretend to be okay so others will be okay with that. I hate the "are you okay" if I answer the way I wish I could it will just freak them out.So why can’t I just walk around miserable, sad and just pissed off with life if that is how I feel? I have already alienated so many people that I don’t care anymore. It seems that all that matters now is having a baby. As much as I want a baby I am angry that infertility has consumed so much of me. I know I will never be the person I was before I started TTC. I know that I am stronger but I also am angrier and sadder.
| posted by Liz at 11:03 AM |
7 Comments:
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Sporty commented at 11:42 AM~
I don't want to give you assvice Liz, but you shouldn't have to pretend. If someone asks you how you are, tell them the truth.
We are here for you and if there is anything that we can do for you let us know.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
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commented at 7:32 PM~
I don't totally agree with Sporty. There have been times when all of us have said we're okay and haven't been. Everyday we have to hide our pain...so of course we are pretending that we're okay. IF takes so much from you and in order to go on and do every day things you have to sometimes "pretend". You have to find a different way of going on and at times a different way of being. People wouldn't understand and sometimes it's not worth telling them how we feel. At least that has been my experience.
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Jenna commented at 11:59 PM~
Liz, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, I am also sorry that I feel this way to. I hate all of this!!!! Just a few times when people ask me are you okay, I would love to really say "no, do i seem okay? this morning it took everything I had to wake up and I am just going one step at a time because I do not know if I can take that next step" But if you are honest people would just think you were insane, maybe not just because you feel this way but because you are honest about it. People don't really want honest answers they ask you these questions so they can feel better because they "care". Sorry I am extra bitter right now because I am so upset. I wrote you all about it. Good Night. I really wish we could just be in a bubble and "just walk around miserable, sad and just pissed off with life "
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Jenn commented at 8:20 AM~
Like Chas - I don't want to give you assvice - please know that I am here for you if you don't want to pretend.
You are in my prayers Liz.
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Heather P. commented at 9:26 AM~
I hated the I am ok and feeling miserable as well. I had this so bad after Lorna died. I mean it had only been 3 weeks since her death and people were asking me if I was ok. Do I look ok?? My response to them most of the time was do you want the truth or the lie. I let them deceide especially if I was in a bad mood. I understand where you are coming from and it is normal. I know that you are stong and will be ok in time. Just be willing to give yourself the time!! lots of thoughts and love Heather
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Allie commented at 10:49 AM~
Liz, I feel exactly the same way. Fortunately and unfortunately, there are a lot of us out here that really understand. But all of our "regular friends" have no clue. It's not their fault, but they piss me off just the same. You are NOT alone. Sending you love and hugs. Email me if you want to vent.
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Ally commented at 6:43 PM~
Liz,
I would hope that with me, you would never feel like you would have to pretend or act like things are ok. I am here for you, whatever you're feeling...good and bad. That's what a true friend does. No sugar-coating here!!
I think it's hard for some to realize what infertility means unless you've walked in someone's shoes. Maybe if you explain it to them, it will help them to understand it better.
Take are of yourself and call me if you need anything.
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