When Nature Is Not Enough
    When Nature Is Not Enough

    IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for.
    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    About Me

    Name: Liz
    Location: New York

    I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew.

    View my complete profile

    Tuesday, November 22, 2005

    36 today

    Another birthday...I won’t say Happy Birthday to me because I’m just not feeling happy. As I wait for Ivan to come home from work I can’t help but think about all that has happened this past year. Our never ending BFNs, the ectopic, the laparoscopy and hearing the dr. say under no circumstances should she try to get pregnant on her own, then the chemical pregnancy, and our recent BFN. Yep, that sums up my 35th year...not much to be happy about.

    I guess there are many things I can be happy about but they just don’t fill the void in me. I am blessed SO blessed to have a wonderful husband. He told me the other night that he had no doubt things would work out. My favorite was when he said "infertility didn’t come between us, it made us closer and we won’t give up".

    I wish I had just a tenth of his enthusiasm and optimism. I’m trying so hard to be hopeful but it’s very difficult. I read something the other day that continues to haunt me, "hoping can break us". I know what they meant because that’s what I feel now. Although I went into IVF #2 with little hope it didn’t help prepare me for the disappointment. How do I start the 3rd cycle with no hope but knowing there is a lot at stake. This will most likely be our last cycle, at least for a while. Emotionally, physically and financially we need a break. Who knows this in fact might be our last cycle and if it’s a BFN with it comes the reality that we might not have children. I don’t want to think that …my heart aches when I think about that. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to run and not look back. I wish I could sleep for days and wake up and this was all a bad dream but it’s not a dream…it’s my life.

    I think you all know what my birthday wish will be, the same one for the last 2 years. Will it come true…only time will tell.


    | posted by Liz at 12:05 AM |


    7 Comments:

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 2:40 AM~  

    I hope you had a good birthday in the end and that Ivan made you feel really special. It's so hard to celebrate in these circumstances. I'm hoping that your 37th year will be a wonderful one.

    Blogger Heather P. commented at 6:56 AM~  

    I am sorry that you are not feeling optimistic for your birthday. My wish for you is that some hope will be restored to you. Hope is not what breaks us. Hope is what causes us to get up the next day and try again.

    Happy birthday.

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 9:18 AM~  

    Liz, I'm so sorry that you are not feeling happy about your birthday. I know it's been a difficult year, full of much disappointment and I hope this year will bring you much happiness.

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 5:04 PM~  

    I just hope you're doing ok today. I know you've been feeling down lately and you've maybe felt like this year was such a disappointment, but I'm hoping your seeing it in a more positive light. Remember that you're doing something about the issue, not just sitting on the side just hoping for a miracle, you're actually working to make that miracle happen.

    As for hope breaking us, yes it can break out hearts when we want something so bad at that moment. But as Heather wrote, it also gets us up the next day to try again. It's what keeps us going and striving and possibly even making us better. It's what's going to make you an incredible mother.

    The third time for me was odd also, since you're now familiar with the process; and the limitations of what medical science can deliver are a bit more clearer. But take that knowledge and use it as your weapon to help you get that BFP. You now know that maybe your protocol can use a bit of a boost so you're going to include acupuncture. It's not as much of a mystery anymore and that can help you.

    Have a terrific birthday, Liz. Remember, you know a lot more now than you did a year ago and that knowledge and the continuing hope is what's going to help you in the end. Take care of yourself.

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 9:34 PM~  

    I hope you were able to have a good day. I think we all are wishing you the same thing for your birthday.

    Blogger Jenna commented at 3:48 PM~  

    Liz,
    I hope you are doing okay. I can't imagine how hard this year has been for you. I pray that this next year will bring you your hearts desires. I hope that you are doing good and are finding strength and hope to go into your next cycle.
    Hugs,
    Jenna

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 11:14 PM~  

    Hope you were able to have a nice birthday. Wishing you a wonderful year and of course a BFP!!

    Want to Post a Comment?

    back to main page

    powered by Blogger | designed by mela