Trust in His Timing
Rely on His Promises
Wait for His Answers
Believe in His Miracles
Rejoice in His Goodness
Relax in His Presence

This was on a card that a GF gave me on my birthday. I have it taped to my computer at work so when I'm feeling down, angry, scared, or confused I can remember who to turn to.

For months all I did was pray. Pray to God so I could get PG. My prayers weren't answered. It never dawned on me to wonder why it wasn't being answered. I just assumed my timing was wrong. I never thought about His timing.

I remember when I found out that my tubes were blocked. The doctor told me there would be no way I could get PG on my own. I was devastated and so scared and I kept praying. At the time I was reading the bible every night. I have a bible that includes explanations on scripture. I recall reading about praying for things when we are in need. I remember getting excited when I got to that part because I was in need and I was praying. I knew I would find out what had gone wrong and my prayers weren't answered. The author explained that what's important isn't whether our prayers are answered but what happens while we are waiting. I had to stop and reflect on that. So what was I doing, what had I learned from this? Did I get anything from it? Yes, faith.

I learned that in order to overcome all the challenges that I would face I had to have faith, believe, and trust. I wanted that. I wanted to believe it would happen, I wanted to have faith that God would help me, and I wanted to trust that he knew what was right. It wasn't always easy, it's still not easy. My faith increased dramatically and I felt at peace. I was able to cope with the ectopic pregnancy, the laparoscopy and being told that IVF would be my only option. I wasn't scared because I knew there was hope. In the last few weeks that hope has slowly dwindled. I go to church every Sunday but I don't have the same feeling that I did months ago. I feel as if I'm going so God can comfort me.

This Sunday during mass I prayed that God give me a sign...let me know what he wanted for me. It was my feeble attempt of asking "Am I going to have a baby". What's hard about this is not knowing. We're doing all we can do and it's gotten to the point that I'm just losing hope that it will work. I've asked God to give me the strength to get through all of this...to help me if I can't have a child. I feel as if I have to start preparing myself for that. As I write this I'm crying because the thought of not having children makes me so sad.

My heart aches when I look at Ivan. He's been noticing some changes in me and started to question me yesterday. He was very elusive about it which annoyed me. He asked if everything was okay. I laughed and responded what do you think. He went into his speech about how things are looking good and we have to be hopeful. I wanted to scream that he didn't know. I wanted to tell him that I'm angry, sad and just hate what my life has become, who I've become but I couldn't. I laughed and responded in a sarcastic manner which put an end to the discussion.

Ivan doesn't have faith but will hold on to the belief that we will have children. He thinks that as long as a doctor tells us we don't have a chance it is possible. If it were up to him we would do IVF until we had a baby, even if that meant 10 or more cycles. I on the other hand am getting so negative that I'm ready to just call it quits. I won't because I have to give it a try. When we started we both agreed that we would do 3 IVF cycles so the next will be our last. After that we will do a FET and then it's quits. Ivan's already looking into countries we can go to. I won't agree to that.

So here I am, no hope but continuing. I guess I have to continue because as long as I continue I don't have to face the realization of not having children.