Sometimes you have to be in a rut in order to go forward and that's where I am. I'm still feeling negative about EVERYTHING but I'm dealing with it. I guess I have some coping skills after all. I'm not going to try to "bounce back" or pretend. I'm going to stay where I am and let it be. It's the only way to process and go forward without unresolved issues.

I've been feeling very negative about my body, in particular those darn tubes that are preventing me from conceiving naturally. I remember how months ago I wish I could just remove them myself. No, it would not have been a pretty sight but in it's own way it would have given me closure. I hate leaving things up to chance. I hate not knowing. Trying to be hopeful when chances are so slim.

I'm questioning all I've done to see if there's something I did to cause this or as I'm really thinking to deserve this. I know there is nothing I did or anything any of you have done to cause IF but sometimes we have to blame someone and who better then ourselves. It isn't right and it doesn't answer our questions or make us feel better but it gives us somewhere to target our anger. Yes, I'm directing my angry feelings to myself. I'm quite aware that this isn't healthy but as long as I'm not hurting myself it's okay to internalize my problems.

I went to church yesterday in search of peace...I'm still looking. The priest announced that on Thursday they would have the annointment of the sick. My sister looked at me as if saying "hey, why don't you come to that". I told her I'm not sick my tubes are distorted and closed there's a difference. We've had this discussion before. I've gone to 2 healing masses with my parents because they believe it will help. I don't have the same faith they do. I know in the end it is all up to God but I don't think a priest can put his hand on my head and "heal me". Oh if it were that simple IF wouldn't exist. I'm well aware that faith does play an important role in healing but I will leave that for another post.

So for now here I am and I'll be here for a while. Thanks for your support on my previous post. Most of all thanks for not offering reassurance but giving me validation...I needed that.