- Name: Liz
- Location: New York
I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew.
View my complete profile
|
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Up and Down
Here we go again....the IF roller coaster. On Thursday I was full of energy, optimism and hope. I wanted things to improve. I really thought it would. My friend at work even commented that I seemed better. Thursday night Ivan and I had a nice evening together. By Friday morning it was back to reality...I came crashing down. Ivan joked about my highs and lows. I smiled and said "no I'm not bipolar I'm infertile". He didn't like that. He hates it when I say infertile but it's the truth. There's no way to sugar coat it...it is what it is.
On Friday I found out a friend at work is PG. I hugged her and had to fake being happy for her. We spoke for a while and then I went to my office put on my coat and went for a walk. It was snowing and cold but I didn't feel anything. All I kept thinking was why I couldn't be happy for others. I was angry that I had to pretend to be happy for my friend. I know why I had to pretend but it bothers me. I hate being angry and jealous of what others have and I don't.
By the time Ivan came home I was visibly not well. He hugged me and I cried in his arms for awhile. I hate crying, especially in front of Ivan. I know how much it hurts him. We talked about what was bothering and how he could help but of course it was just a small comfort.
Yesterday I went shopping with my sister. What a mistake...every where I looked there was a baby. I even went to a sporting goods store in the hopes of getting an escape but there they were. I felt they were following me...mocking me. I felt cornered and had no where to run. I gave my sister an excuse and came home. I was in bed until Ivan got home. Again the crying...just call me water works.
Today I went to church. I went in a different door in order to avoid the baby room. I settled in a pew in the front and started to read. As the priest started talking about rejoice I got flooded with sadness and started to cry. I couldn't focus on the mass or the gospel after that.
So here I am again...down. This definitely is taking a toll on me. On a good note: AF showed up...funny how that's good. Anyway looks like I'll be starting Lupron at the end of the month.
| posted by Liz at 1:51 PM |
13 Comments:
-
commented at 5:19 PM~
Liz, I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I know how hard it is. Wish I could say/do something to make things better for you. I'm here for you.
{{Hugs}} -
commented at 5:34 PM~
Starting the Lupron is like taking back a little shred of control. Granted, the shred is thread-bare and translucent, but any little bit of control is a comfort.
All I can sincerely say is I so understand. I'm proud of you that you faked the happiness for the sake of your friend... some of us just can't be that selfless. -
commented at 7:23 PM~
I'm sorry that things have been so difficult for you. I know some days it's easier then others. I hope things will start getting better. -
commented at 8:52 PM~
Liz you really need to give yourself a break. It's ok to be sad. I know it's horrible to feel so sad all the time, but beating yourself up for being sad doesn't help. It's great that you were able to console your friend. It doesn't matter that you weren't feeling it inside- she doesn't know that.
This too shall pass. You'll feel ok again at some point, I promise. -
commented at 10:47 PM~
Hi Liz - thank you for your kind comment at over at my place.
The ups and downs do take a toll. There are days where I feel like I have a bit of insight on what bipolar means. It's tough.
Hope you see the "upside" soon and that it lasts. -
commented at 11:45 PM~
Liz, we've all been on that horrible ride...yes, at times it's never ending. I know things are difficult right now and I hope you will find a ray of light/hope soon. I think it's important that you take all the time you need to heal, grieve and be at peace with where you are. -
Jenna commented at 1:09 AM~
Liz,
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I know it sucks. IF is so frustating!!! I wish things were just better for us.
I hope that Ivan can be understanding to what you are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jenna -
Heather P. commented at 9:28 AM~
Liz I am sorry that you are feeling down. I have felt that way many times in the past. I would be so angry at friends who were pregnant. Mad at people I saw out in the stores. Mad at people yelling at their kids. Angry at just about anyone and anything that had to do with baby. Just know that you are not alone. It is good that Ivan is such a good support. I hope and pray for you every day. -
commented at 11:25 AM~
Liz, I feel your pain. IF is so frustrating and overwhelming. Hope things get better soon. -
commented at 11:47 AM~
Sorry for how you're feeling. Glad you're back at HP. Praying that things will get better soon. -
Jenn commented at 5:13 PM~
Liz - I am sorry that you are feeling so down - and I wish I had some words of comfort - please know that I am thinking about you. -
Allie commented at 8:52 PM~
Liz, I'm sorry that you're feeling down. I agree that starting Lupron is actually a good way to feel in control again, even if it's just a little. Ivan is truly a dear and you are very lucky to have his arms to cry in. Hang in there, girl. It's OK to feel sad. Let the waterworks flow. -
Shell commented at 11:20 AM~
Oh Liz~ this whole thing doesnt seem fair..I am sorry that you are sad...I have been out shopping too, and it is true, pregnant women seem to stalk me...every where i turn a big beautiful belly is in my face....I am so happy that you will be starting again soon....with each cycle, there is new hope!! Wishing only the best for you!!
Want to ?
back to main page
|
