When Nature Is Not Enough
    When Nature Is Not Enough

    IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for.
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    About Me

    Name: Liz
    Location: New York

    I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew.

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    Monday, January 09, 2006

    How do I prepare to start?

    I am suppose to start stims on Thursday. I've been anxiously waiting for this and now that it's here the eagerness is not there. I feel that I'm going through the motions. Just another thing I'm doing. It's hard to explain. I'm not going into this thinking it might work but thinking "I'm doing something to try, if it works it works". I don't have any hope that it will work. I know this is my way of coping with the disappointments and at this point after cycle 1 and 2 this might be my attempt of self-preservation.

    I'm scared of another failure. I'm tired of trying to be optimistic. I haven't tried talking to Ivan because I know he won't understand how I'm feeling. At this point honestly I'm ready to call it quits. I just don't want to go through the pain (emotional) again.

    I won't quit because then I will always wonder what could have been. So I will do another cycle but I'm not hopeful. At this point I have no faith and don't believe in miracles.


    | posted by Liz at 4:29 PM |


    11 Comments:

    Blogger Shell commented at 5:38 PM~  

    Oh Liz~ I know it is so hard to let your self feel optimistic, especially when the pain from the past cycles is still so fresh. You are right, you have to do this so that you know that you have done everything you can....you have lots of friends praying for you...hoping this is the last time that you have to feel this way!

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 6:03 PM~  

    Liz, wish I could say/do something to make things better for you. I know how hard the uncertainty is and I know how IF can take a toll on a person. I'm glad you aren't giving up and I hope this is it for you!

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 8:35 PM~  

    I really hope this works for you so that you never have to deal with the pain of another failed IVF. Somehow you will find the strength you need for this cycle. Break it down into small bits of time and just focus on the segment that's right in front of you.
    I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best for this cycle.

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 10:47 PM~  

    IF takes so much from us, especially our faith and hope. I know it will be hard but just take it day by day. Don't give up!

    Blogger Sporty commented at 4:50 PM~  

    I'm sorry that this is taking such a toll on you Liz. I pray that this is your last IVF cycle resulting in you and Ivan getting your most desired wish and dream.

    I know that it must be hard on you and I can't pretend to understand. I just want you to know that I will keep all of my faith in a miracle for you and that if you need anything, I am here for ya.

    Take care of yourself and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Blogger Rebecca commented at 1:57 AM~  

    Oh, Liz. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I hope optimism begins to surface as the stims get underway.

    Trying to protect yourself from the emotional pain and not wanting to go through it again is totally understandable and natural. Because honestly, who would choose to go through that pain if they had an easier option to build their family?

    It seems like it's always harder to believe in miracles for ourselves than to believe in them for others. I'm praying you'll get your miracle with this cycle.

    Blogger Heather P. commented at 9:25 AM~  

    Liz I am so hoping for you! I know there are alot of us who are hoping enough for you. I went in this last IVF with that type of attitude. So I am here to verify that you don't have to have a positive attitude to make it work!

    Blogger Jenna commented at 10:19 AM~  

    Liz,
    I am sorry that you are so down. Like I told you the other night right now I have to believe in miracles and this IVF working for you is one of the miracles that I have to believe in. I really do hope and pray that this works and you and Ivan get your miracle. I am sorry we haven't gotten to talk as much lately. I will call you in a little bit. If you need me I am here for you.
    Jenna

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 11:36 AM~  

    I know how hard it is to hold on to hope and start with a positive attitude. You've got lots of people praying and hoping for you.

    Blogger Allie commented at 12:24 PM~  

    Everything that you are saying sounds so familiar. AndI think it's also completely normal. I am sad that you feel so detached in this cycle, but try to remember that it is your fear that's masking your belief in miracles. You haven't lost the ability. You still believe - I know you do. It's just a little hidden right now.

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 8:10 PM~  

    Liz it is like you took my emotions and held them to a looking glass so that they reflected right back at me. You're exactly where I was before my IVF.

    I have nothing comforting to say because I know nothing will make you feel better. Reaching hopelessness and faithlessness is a horrifying and dreadful point... but please know I SO UNDERSTAND.

    I do.

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