- Name: Liz
- Location: New York
I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew.
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Friday, January 20, 2006
U/S # 3
12-13 follicles. I didn't ask about the measurements and didn't bother trying to figure it out. I just laid back and daydreamed. As much as I wanted to look at the screen I didn't. It's just so hard. I don't look at the follicles with excitement about the possibility of a pregnancy. They are just there. I'm frustrated with my lack of hope and faith. I tried explaining to Ivan but of course we ended up arguing about it. He doesn't seem to understand why it's so hard for me to be hopeful. I'm sad to say but I'm ready to call it quits. The way I feel right now I would end this cycle now.I'm trying to convince myself that maybe it's the meds making me feel so down about everything. Here I am doing IVF, injecting myself every night and I have no hope that it will work. At this point I don't care and that is the hardest part of all. Am I in a funk, is it the meds or am I slowly coming undone?
| posted by Liz at 10:17 AM |
11 Comments:
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Shell commented at 11:19 AM~
Liz~ sounds like things are moving right along. As for being hopeful, I believe you are just trying to protect yourself...combined with that, the damn hormones and the winter blahs..it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do!! Just know a bunch of us out here are hopeful for you and praying everyday that you get pregnant!! Take care of yourself!! -
Nico commented at 11:48 AM~
I'm very hopeful for you. Sounds like your follicles are doing great. I'm sorry that you're in a funk and feeling hopeless about this cycle, it gets harder and harder to hope with each successive failure. -
commented at 1:39 PM~
Sorry for how you're feeling. It is a combination of the meds and of course all you've been through. It takes a toll on a person. It's hard to be hopeful and to want something when disappointment is all you've had. -
beagle commented at 3:09 PM~
Maybe I am reading too much of my own "stuff" into your post, but I have a VERY hard time with my own DH being SO positive and SO hopeful and feeling like I have to "keep up" with that level of optimism. For me, blocking out hope is more about self preservation than pessimism.
Hope is not a requirement for IVF to work.
Leaving the hoping to us . . . Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are coping with a HUGE stress right now. The drugs do sap your energy and mess with your mind/mood.
Cheering you on . . . those ovaries are doing their job whatever your mood may be this moment. -
commented at 5:10 PM~
Please know that I *completely* understand how you feel.
Of course you're coming undone... we ALL are coming undone. It's a by-product of the IF heartbreak, but you're not going mad or anything. You're normal. -
Jenna commented at 7:29 PM~
Liz,
I wish that you were feeling more hopeful, I can't imagine what you are going through, and I know the meds are just making it worse.
I can't wait to here your IF's I was thinking about them all day, it got really depressing.
Hugs,
Jenna -
Portlairge commented at 9:25 PM~
Liz, I am sorry that you are feeling so down right now. It won't have any effect on the outcome of the cycle (maybe you should tell Ivan that. As well as doing an IVF cycle, you are cycling through to the next phase of your life and in a few weeks you'll know what path you are going to take. -
Linda commented at 9:43 PM~
Sounds like what you are feeling is a little of all three...and completely normal. I hope and pray the very best for you this cycle but it's totally understandable if you don't, right now. This is a long, hard road. *hugs* We feel your pain. -
x commented at 10:24 PM~
I vote for "it's the meds". Don't worry, we all have enough hope for you. The important thing is that you keep moving forward. I read a great quote once "If you are going through hell, keep going". -
commented at 7:49 AM~
I'm so sorry you're in such a tough place emotionally. As others have said there's no Hope requirement for IVF to work. I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best. -
jude commented at 7:25 PM~
Liz, I'm feeling the same way today! Funked out, just not "into" this whole cycle. I don't feel negative...just feel "not". Good luck with your u/s & b/w tomorrow.
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