When Nature Is Not Enough
    When Nature Is Not Enough

    IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for.
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    About Me

    Name: Liz
    Location: New York

    I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew.

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    Saturday, March 04, 2006

    Release

    I'm finally starting to let it out. I purposely surpressed my feelings after the BFN. I devoted my time on finding out what the problem was and what we could do about it. It was easier than dealing with the sadness and anger.

    The last couple of days I've been feeling down and irritable. I bicker at Ivan and I'm short tempered. Last night I started telling him my fears that it wouldn't work. I tried explaining that although we have a great RE it still isn't a "sure thing". He tried to explain how the dr was very positive about it working and how he even said ours was an easy case. I responded with "you're not the one pumping hormones into yourself....you just don't get it". I said other things and he interpreted it as if I was saying he hasn't been supportive. I took a "time out" to relax and we were then able to talk again. It was a positive talk and we both felt better afterwards. I'm still riddled with fear and uncertainty but it comes with the territory.

    I've been thinking about all that has happened. I went to church on Friday for the stations of the cross and there was something the priest said during mass that made me wonder when will I accept things. Maybe this is it, maybe I'm not going to have a baby. How many times am I going to do IVF? So much for my 3 attempts, will I do it another 3, 6, hey why not go for 10.

    As usual hope is starting to dwindle. I'm scared that this won't work and I may have to face the reality of not having my own children. That is such a scary and sad thought....no children....please don't let it be.

    Friends aren't helping much. I have started isolating myself again in order to preserve my sanity. If someone mentions adoption I will strangle them. Why can't they, especially those with children, understand that adoption doesn't make it easier and it won't make the pain and disappointment easier to deal with. Honestly, I don't know if that is something I want to do.

    Ivan is very hopeful while I'm already thinking about when the next cycle will be...so much for positive thoughts. His optimism is at times unbearable and of course I respond with sarcasm and anger.

    Not too happy right now and it's hard to be happy for others. I know it's normal but it makes me feel selfish and bitter. This isn't how I want to be but it seems this is who I am. It will soon be two years and it definitely has taken a toll.


    | posted by Liz at 12:34 PM |


    14 Comments:

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 5:24 PM~  

    Sorry things have to be so rough. I know how hard all of this is and although we want to have hope sometimes it's easier to expect failure. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 1:18 PM~  

    I know it's painful but it's good that you are dealing with all that has happened. With all the disappointments it's normal to assume it will never work but that's when you have to have faith and believe that it can and it will.

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 2:20 PM~  

    I'm glad that you and Ivan were able to have a good talk. I find it really difficult to communicate to J about some of the emotional stuff and sometimes it gets all mixed up when I try.
    I'm sorry hope is dwindling. I'm thinking of you.

    Blogger seattlegal commented at 4:11 PM~  

    I understand your feelings of feeling selfish and bitter and not wanting to be like that. Infertility definitely changes us in a lot of ways - sometimes not in ways we want it to. It's hard when you want to be happy for someone and you just can't. You didn't always feel this way. Hopefully, we will all get ourselves back.

    Wishing you the best! Take care!

    Blogger Shell commented at 7:46 PM~  

    Liz~
    I totally understand where you are coming from......fear is paralyzing. I cant even get myself to try another IVF because of it. I am wishing you the best!!! Hang it there!!!

    Blogger Jenna commented at 11:23 AM~  

    Hey Liz,
    I am sorry that you are feeling down, it just sucks! I really hope that you get your miracle, I just know that it will happen for you. I think right now it is okay not to have hope, you have to deal the feelings that you have. Not try to force any you think you should feel.
    I am sorry we haven't been able to talk much lately and when we do talk it has been about what is going on in my life. Please know that I am here for you too.
    Jenna

    Blogger Linda commented at 3:45 PM~  

    I'm sorry that you're feeling so awful right now. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you, my dear.

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 6:09 PM~  

    Sometimes the only thing we can do is be sarcastic, feel surly, and lash out. Sometimes letting ourselves full-out RAGE is cathartic.

    Release. And keep on releasing. IF treatment makes us time bombs.

    Please know, this will pass. I doubt I'll ever find myself the way I once was, but I'm sure I won't stay this way... whether motherhood happens for me or not.

    But it better happen for me. And for you. And for all of us.

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 9:01 PM~  

    I'm sorry for what you're going through. I wish there was something I could do to make things better for you. I know how hard it is and I hope your miracle will be here very soon.

    Blogger M commented at 9:38 AM~  

    I'm sorry. I've been checking in on you since I saw you did the SCSA test. We did it too.

    i think IF changes us forever...and for now you may be bitter...and hate every minute of it...but I think that is a very natural response to something that affects your life in every way.

    My dh is also the eternal optomist--"Just give it time"..."God will take care of things" "Have a little faith". It took everything in me not to strangle him to death, many times.

    Blogger x commented at 12:24 PM~  

    I am sorry that things are hard right now. I can imagine that the pain of a negative lingers until hope comes knocking on your door again.
    Sending {{{hugs}}} your way. Don't worry about isolating yourself, we are here for you.

    Anonymous Anonymous commented at 1:25 PM~  

    My husband is also the optimistic one. That helps me as I'm so negative so much of the time. Don't beat yourself up, this is a tough tough thing you are dealing with.

    Blogger beagle commented at 12:02 PM~  

    I've been in a similar place since my failed IVF as well. It's just so hard. It will get better (I don't actually KNOW this, but I have to BELIEVE this) and in the meantime I am trying to cut myself a break about feeling this way.

    Don't be too hard on yourself either . . .

    Blogger Heather P. commented at 6:35 AM~  

    It is difficult to keep your chin up. Just realize what you are feeling is normal lots of love and prayers headed your way

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