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When Nature Is Not Enough
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IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for. |
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About Me
I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew. 
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005 Back to reality!
We got back yesterday. We had a wonderful time...it was great to get away...we sure needed it. It was very relaxing yet lots of fun. Didn't do much thinking about TTC except when I saw PG women and babies. I was very surprised by the amount of PG women vacationing...of course I was jealous but I know my day will come...trying to be hopeful.
I met with the nurse today and got my protocol. I continue on the BCP until 10/10 and then begin stims on 10/13. ER is estimated to be around the week of 10/23. I am excited to start and trying to be hopeful...I think you all know how it is. You want to be hopeful but yet prepare yourself for a disappointment. Hope everyone is doing well. Saturday, September 17, 2005 Bon Voyage
Barcelona and France here I come!!!
I am so excited. I think this is the most excited I've been about any of our trips, including our honeymoon. I just can't wait to get away and just try to relax and maybe even not think about any of this. We both need this so badly... this has been such a difficult year. We leave tonight and will be back on the 27th. Take care! Thursday, September 15, 2005 Two nice surprises!
1st surprise -
I met with the Dr yesterday and had an u/s. Ovaries are not swollen and are back to normal. It looks as if I O'd last week so she thinks that the bleeding was irregular bleeding and not AF....SO....I can proceed with a fresh cycle. I start BCP next week for 3 weeks and then on Oct. 13 start stims. ER should be around the week of 10/24. I am so excited!! 2nd surprise - Ivan surprised me yesterday with a gift ... the bottom of a bikini and stated I would need it for our vacation. I found that odd since it's cool in London and we won't be near a beach. He then told me we are going to Barcelona and France!! Barcelona had been my 1st choice but I couldn't find anything around the time we wanted to go so I figured we could go back to London. I am so excited about this!! So next week I will be having some much needed drinks on the beach...but with my top on :) Monday, September 12, 2005 Acceptance
Sometimes in order to go forward, in order to go on you have to accept things. For me, it means accepting that I'm in pain...I'm sad and angry and that is stopping me from being totally happy. I complain about IF but I've given it that power. I'm realizing and understanding that what I'm going through is one of the stages of grief. I'm accepting that I'm infertile...baby making challenged. I feel I need to accept this but not give up on my dream.
Over the weekend I spoke with Ivan and I just felt so terrible for him. It's my fault we can't have a baby and I see the pain in his eyes. He said the sweetest thing to me that made me feel so loved and made me realize just how blessed I am. I'm also starting to accept that people will say insensitive things and there is nothing I can do about it. Getting angry makes me feel worse. If I just remember that this will happen then I won't take it so personal and at times hold grudges. I'm not saying they are right for being insensitive but I need to remember that although well intentioned they do not understand. I think I am going to allow myself to move forward and maybe even feel happiness. I'm looking forward to our 3rd anniversary next week and our vacation in London. I will just "be in the moment" and accept the good things that I have. Friday, September 09, 2005 Never a dull moment
Well AF showed up...2 weeks early!!!! What this means is that it throws off my FET cycle...pushes it back 4 weeks. Last night and today I kept having mixed feelings about the FET so I'm wondering if this is a sign to proceed with a fresh cycle instead. I had no intention of doing a FET except as a last resort. When the DR mentioned it yesterday I think I got caught up in the "optimism in the air" and agreed to it. I also agreed to it because I didn't want to wait another 4 weeks...we all know how difficult waiting is.
I talked with Ivan tonight and I was able to express my feelings and reservations about the FET. He understood and stated that whatever I wanted to do would be fine with him. He would prefer a FET so my body doesn't have to go through stims all over again but I don't mind so we are going to do a fresh cycle in Oct. I will be contacting my DR on Monday to let her know. I do feel better about this and more hopeful that it might work. So ladies bear with me for the next month and enjoy the ride...remember there's never a dull moment when you're TTC. Thursday, September 08, 2005 Next step...FET
We met with the RE today and discussed our cycle outcome and the next step. She recommended that we do a frozen embryo transfer with our lil popsicles. She stated that our chances would be the same as with a fresh because the blasts are grade 4AA. My ovaries are still swollen from the hyperstimulation so doing a FET will also be better for my body.
Although she was very optimistic and Ivan is very hopeful I'm not. It's hard to be. I'm just pleased to be starting a new cycle. Will I be as optimistic as before ...NO... and let's not forget I really wasn't optimistic to begin with. I feel as if I need to prepare for a disappointment and the only way is to be this way. I know it is not the best thing but for now it will have to do. AF should arrive around 9/19 and on day 4 I will begin estrogen injections for 3 weeks and then we will do the transfer, estimated to be after 10/14. So the journey continues. Tuesday, September 06, 2005 Infertility hurts
I started reading a book Water from the Rock…Finding God’s comfort in the midst of Infertility and they eloquently describe infertility as a painful, raging storm. It is a dream crushed and a loss that must be grieved. I know I’ve been grieving but my grief has turned into anger. Anger that I can’t have a baby. Anger that I have to do IVF. Anger that no matter what I do there are no guarantees.
I found out today that one of my close friends had her baby yesterday. It felt good to feel happy for her. After I hung up I went for a walk and then it registered …someone else has a baby. She was one of those who got PG the first time…lucky her…unlucky me. I’m tired of being upset about all this. I’m sad that I initially avoided seeing her. The thought of seeing her PG was too much. She represents what I want most and cannot have. On Thursday we meet with the RE and I’m hoping she will tell us we can start again in 2 weeks. Emotionally I can’t handle waiting another month. What has been helping me go on is the prospect of starting in 2 weeks. I’m sad for Ivan. I hate how he is feeling. I’m sad that he is losing what little faith he had. This is such a frustrating process. I feel lonely, angry, so angry. I’m trying to be hopeful but it’s so hard…. infertility sucks and it hurts so much. Thursday, September 01, 2005 A New Beginning
I'm feeling better. The sadness is starting to settle and the anger is slowly chipping away. I have to believe that there was a reason for this although it caused me much pain. I'm starting to feel better about moving forward. I will always have fears but I can't let them stop me .... I won't give up!
I'm looking into going away for our 3rd wedding anniversary but can't make any definite plans until we meet with the Dr on Thursday. If we can start the next cycle then it will be around that time. I definitely want to do something for our anniversary and would like to go to London or Prague for a week but I'm okay with doing something nearby. What a year this has been. I remember how I felt a year ago when the BFNs were just starting. The pain is still there but it is different. Am I stronger? I think so... I have to be. Reading Jenna's blog entry today stirred up so many feelings, especially about God. I don't want to be angry and I want to hold on to my faith, which has been dwindling. I know he is comforting me and giving me the strength to face each day. I'll never know why I had to go through IF only he knows, maybe one day we'll talk about it. Where's the lesson in all of this....still searching. Thank you all so much for your support, encouragement and comforting words. You have walked with me in this long journey and have helped me when I've been at my lowest. My blog friends...you are all wonderful and much appreciated. |
