When Nature Is Not Enough
IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for.
I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Wishing you the very best in 2006.
May all your dreams come true.
| posted by Liz at 8:41 AM | 8 comments
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
One down one to go
Christmas is over and New Year's is just a couple of days away. I'm so glad the holidays will be over.
Christmas was okay. Christmas Eve I was feeling very down. Ivan was worried and took the day off. Although I appreciated the gesture I wished he had gone to work. I needed to be alone and he had difficulty seeing me moping around.
Before going to my FIL's for dinner I spoke with my sister....what a mistake. The conversation was going well until we started talking about faith. She believes if Ivan were to go to church things might work out. She went on and on about how I need to leave things in God's hands and accept what happens. I told her I was doing that and she alluded that by continuing with IVF after this cycle I was not. She reminded me that there were other options and that maybe that is what God wants for us. I got very upset and ended the call.
I went to my room and sobbed for about a half hour. It was difficult for Ivan to calm me. I told him about the conversation. My sister is a devout Catholic and her thinking reminded him of the nuns. He told me he doesn't believe what she said is right and that although he doesn't go to church he believes God wants us to have a family and is helping us. He thinks as long as we can try we should and that we shouldn't give up.
Although I tried to convince Ivan to go without me I got myself together and we went to my FIL's. It was a small gathering with only 2 children, who of course wanted Tia Liz to play with them. I snapped at Ivan's aunt who always greets me with "how's treatment going". Fortunately the night ended earlier then usual.
Christmas morning I went to church and felt better. I didn't have the joy and peace that they talked about but I know one day I will.
I'm off until Thursday and I've just been laying low...much to Ivan's dislike. I'm feeling down. On Friday will be 1 year since our ectopic. I can't help but think about all that has happened. What a year -- 2005 was full of so much pain, disappointment and sadness. I have to believe that 2006 will be better...for all of us.
Oh almost forgot, I got a LH surge on the OPK yesterday so I begin Lupron on Monday. I can't wait to start the cycle.
Hope everyone is doing well.
| posted by Liz at 9:02 PM | 10 comments
Friday, December 23, 2005
Ho Ho Ho
Wishing you a Christmas filled with peace, love and happiness.
| posted by Liz at 9:05 AM | 7 comments
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Hope and Peace
I'm up to chapter 5 in Water From the Rock. I've read the chapter (Hope and Peace) about 3 times and I'm struggling with it. I understand what they are trying to say but can't apply it. It goes into detail about how hope will help us face all obstacles. Having hope gives us peace. It describes how Hannah had faith and hope that God would help her and that gave her the peace to go on with her life. How can I do that?
I'm riddled with sadness, anger, jealousy, bitterness and resentment. As you can see hope and peace are missing. At times I guess I am hopeful. Deep down I know things won't always be this way. I guess that's hope giving me the push to continue. I don't want to give up. Yes, I know there are times when I just want to say F*** it and just call it quits but I can't. Quitting would mean giving up my dream and I'm not ready for that. Will I ever be ready...I don't even want to think about that.
As I read I had many questions - how do I find hope in the midst of my pain? How can I hold on to a dream that each day seems to be slipping away? How can I be at peace when I am grieving and in much pain? I still don't have the answers but for some reason reading the chapter and the scriptures gave me a sense of strength. I took the chapter as a sign that I shouldn't give up and I have to hold on to all the hope I have.
I know it's hard for all of us but we must believe and hold on to hope.
| posted by Liz at 11:11 AM | 9 comments
Monday, December 19, 2005
I've been tagged by Lori
Seven things to do before I die:
1. Have children.
2. Get my Ph.D.
3. Start my private practice.
4. Teach in a university.
5. Go back to Greece and Prague.
6. Be the program director of an outpatient clinic.
7. Go sky diving.
Seven things I cannot do:
1. Have children naturally.
3. Be patient and have hope.
Seven things that attract me to my spouse:
1. His personality.
2. His body – he is very fit.
3. His sense of humor.
4. The way he interacts with children.
5. His ability to make people feel good.
6. His ability to stay positive in stressful situations.
7. His heart.
Seven things I say most often:
1. I need chocolate!!
2. I hate this.
3. I’m so tired of this.
4. Why don’t they get it?
5. Fuck – I have a potty mouth.
6. I need tea.
7. Yeah, whatever.
Seven books or series I love:
1. Lord of the Rings series
2. Left Behind series
3. A Course in Miracles
4. Return to Love
5. Mystery books
6. Cookbooks (I don’t cook but I have a nice collection)
7. Books by Freud.
Seven movies I watch over and over again:
1. When a Man Loves a Woman – I love Andy Garcia
2. You’ve Got Mail
3. Meet the Parents
5. Godfather series
6. Breakfast Club
7. Sleepless in Seattle
Seven people I'm curious about I'd like to join in:
| posted by Liz at 9:49 AM | 4 comments
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Nurse Protocol Appt.
Met with the nurse and I got my protocol. I start doing the OPK on CD 10 – 12/20. If I O on CD 14 – 12/24 I begin Lupron on 12/31 and will be able to start stims on 1/12. I must admit that being there and talking about the meds gave me a boost of optimism. I have to be hopeful and I will. I know it will be hard but I have to fight my negative thoughts. I’ve just been laying low trying not to stress myself out. Things will get better…slowly but surely.
I’m eager to start. I guess it’s safe to say that by the end of January I will be having my retrieval and early Feb. the transfer. Maybe I’ll know for Valentines. Okay, I have to take it one day at a time..once I start planning and thinking ahead I start to lose control and that’s when things start getting to me.
Yesterday was a good day. It’s been a while since I had a good day….YAY!! Ivan and I went to the movies and watched King Kong. Afterwards we got take out and went home and snuggled on the couch wearing our matching King Kong shirts…yes, he got us matching King Kong shirts.
| posted by Liz at 12:02 PM | 12 comments
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Poking and prodding...oh what fun a baseline check is. It was a long and uncomfortable check-up. First I had to wait over 60 minutes to get called because there was a mix-up with the billing and they wanted me to pay $13,000 today....well I only had $40 on me so I was a little short to say the very least and I'm not about to charge it. Things worked out and I was able to proceed.
The b/w was painful, as they couldn’t find a vein. Then the u/s was also uncomfortable BUT no meds and I already have 11 follies. The dr said I have beautiful ovaries....let's see if they will produce beautiful eggs.
As I entered the clinic today my first thought was here we go again. I had to find something positive about it being the third cycle. I didn't want to think three strikes and you're out. I kept repeating third times a charm.
I want to be hopeful...I’m taking it one day at a time. Knowing that I will soon be starting is helping. I've also worked out with Ivan what our tentative plans for the holidays will be. I gave him the list of what gifts we need to get and he will be getting those so I will be spared another Saturday incident.
I'm not pleased that I'm feeling negative but I know its part of the territory. I know things will get better...I just need to be patient.
Thanks for your kind words on my last post. Your support is wonderful and much appreciated.
| posted by Liz at 11:28 AM | 7 comments
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Up and Down
Here we go again....the IF roller coaster. On Thursday I was full of energy, optimism and hope. I wanted things to improve. I really thought it would. My friend at work even commented that I seemed better. Thursday night Ivan and I had a nice evening together. By Friday morning it was back to reality...I came crashing down. Ivan joked about my highs and lows. I smiled and said "no I'm not bipolar I'm infertile". He didn't like that. He hates it when I say infertile but it's the truth. There's no way to sugar coat it...it is what it is.
On Friday I found out a friend at work is PG. I hugged her and had to fake being happy for her. We spoke for a while and then I went to my office put on my coat and went for a walk. It was snowing and cold but I didn't feel anything. All I kept thinking was why I couldn't be happy for others. I was angry that I had to pretend to be happy for my friend. I know why I had to pretend but it bothers me. I hate being angry and jealous of what others have and I don't.
By the time Ivan came home I was visibly not well. He hugged me and I cried in his arms for awhile. I hate crying, especially in front of Ivan. I know how much it hurts him. We talked about what was bothering and how he could help but of course it was just a small comfort.
Yesterday I went shopping with my sister. What a mistake...every where I looked there was a baby. I even went to a sporting goods store in the hopes of getting an escape but there they were. I felt they were following me...mocking me. I felt cornered and had no where to run. I gave my sister an excuse and came home. I was in bed until Ivan got home. Again the crying...just call me water works.
Today I went to church. I went in a different door in order to avoid the baby room. I settled in a pew in the front and started to read. As the priest started talking about rejoice I got flooded with sadness and started to cry. I couldn't focus on the mass or the gospel after that.
So here I am again...down. This definitely is taking a toll on me. On a good note: AF showed up...funny how that's good. Anyway looks like I'll be starting Lupron at the end of the month.
| posted by Liz at 1:51 PM | 14 comments
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Taking back control
Last night I started rereading Water From the Rock. I had only gotten to chapter 4 so I figured I would start again. As I read it I started thinking how I have to take back control. I'm letting this negativity bring me so down that it is affecting all aspects of my life. I choose to use the phrase bring me down instead of depressed although I clearly have symptoms of it but I will get through it. I want to have hope again. I want to believe. I want to think that in the end everything will work out instead of thinking what will be will be.
What sucks about IF is how it takes away so much control from us. We do all we possibly can but in the end it's not up to us. I hate not being able to plan and just relying on chance. Chance isn't always on our side and at times I feel it is my enemy. What have I done to get it to turn it's back on me?
I had a long talk with Ivan and it helped. I read something I wrote and he was able to understand how I'm feeling. He admitted that he knew things were getting to me but didn't know how to help, especially when I was pushing him away. Hey, that's my MO...pushing away is one of the things I do best.
I made a list of things that I will do to get me through this:
So let's see how it goes.
| posted by Liz at 10:05 AM | 7 comments
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Trust in His Timing
This was on a card that a GF gave me on my birthday. I have it taped to my computer at work so when I'm feeling down, angry, scared, or confused I can remember who to turn to.
For months all I did was pray. Pray to God so I could get PG. My prayers weren't answered. It never dawned on me to wonder why it wasn't being answered. I just assumed my timing was wrong. I never thought about His timing.
I remember when I found out that my tubes were blocked. The doctor told me there would be no way I could get PG on my own. I was devastated and so scared and I kept praying. At the time I was reading the bible every night. I have a bible that includes explanations on scripture. I recall reading about praying for things when we are in need. I remember getting excited when I got to that part because I was in need and I was praying. I knew I would find out what had gone wrong and my prayers weren't answered. The author explained that what's important isn't whether our prayers are answered but what happens while we are waiting. I had to stop and reflect on that. So what was I doing, what had I learned from this? Did I get anything from it? Yes, faith.
I learned that in order to overcome all the challenges that I would face I had to have faith, believe, and trust. I wanted that. I wanted to believe it would happen, I wanted to have faith that God would help me, and I wanted to trust that he knew what was right. It wasn't always easy, it's still not easy. My faith increased dramatically and I felt at peace. I was able to cope with the ectopic pregnancy, the laparoscopy and being told that IVF would be my only option. I wasn't scared because I knew there was hope. In the last few weeks that hope has slowly dwindled. I go to church every Sunday but I don't have the same feeling that I did months ago. I feel as if I'm going so God can comfort me.
This Sunday during mass I prayed that God give me a sign...let me know what he wanted for me. It was my feeble attempt of asking "Am I going to have a baby". What's hard about this is not knowing. We're doing all we can do and it's gotten to the point that I'm just losing hope that it will work. I've asked God to give me the strength to get through all of this...to help me if I can't have a child. I feel as if I have to start preparing myself for that. As I write this I'm crying because the thought of not having children makes me so sad.
My heart aches when I look at Ivan. He's been noticing some changes in me and started to question me yesterday. He was very elusive about it which annoyed me. He asked if everything was okay. I laughed and responded what do you think. He went into his speech about how things are looking good and we have to be hopeful. I wanted to scream that he didn't know. I wanted to tell him that I'm angry, sad and just hate what my life has become, who I've become but I couldn't. I laughed and responded in a sarcastic manner which put an end to the discussion.
Ivan doesn't have faith but will hold on to the belief that we will have children. He thinks that as long as a doctor tells us we don't have a chance it is possible. If it were up to him we would do IVF until we had a baby, even if that meant 10 or more cycles. I on the other hand am getting so negative that I'm ready to just call it quits. I won't because I have to give it a try. When we started we both agreed that we would do 3 IVF cycles so the next will be our last. After that we will do a FET and then it's quits. Ivan's already looking into countries we can go to. I won't agree to that.
So here I am, no hope but continuing. I guess I have to continue because as long as I continue I don't have to face the realization of not having children.
| posted by Liz at 6:22 PM | 6 comments
Monday, December 05, 2005
Sometimes you have to be in a rut in order to go forward and that's where I am. I'm still feeling negative about EVERYTHING but I'm dealing with it. I guess I have some coping skills after all. I'm not going to try to "bounce back" or pretend. I'm going to stay where I am and let it be. It's the only way to process and go forward without unresolved issues.
I've been feeling very negative about my body, in particular those darn tubes that are preventing me from conceiving naturally. I remember how months ago I wish I could just remove them myself. No, it would not have been a pretty sight but in it's own way it would have given me closure. I hate leaving things up to chance. I hate not knowing. Trying to be hopeful when chances are so slim.
I'm questioning all I've done to see if there's something I did to cause this or as I'm really thinking to deserve this. I know there is nothing I did or anything any of you have done to cause IF but sometimes we have to blame someone and who better then ourselves. It isn't right and it doesn't answer our questions or make us feel better but it gives us somewhere to target our anger. Yes, I'm directing my angry feelings to myself. I'm quite aware that this isn't healthy but as long as I'm not hurting myself it's okay to internalize my problems.
I went to church yesterday in search of peace...I'm still looking. The priest announced that on Thursday they would have the annointment of the sick. My sister looked at me as if saying "hey, why don't you come to that". I told her I'm not sick my tubes are distorted and closed there's a difference. We've had this discussion before. I've gone to 2 healing masses with my parents because they believe it will help. I don't have the same faith they do. I know in the end it is all up to God but I don't think a priest can put his hand on my head and "heal me". Oh if it were that simple IF wouldn't exist. I'm well aware that faith does play an important role in healing but I will leave that for another post.
So for now here I am and I'll be here for a while. Thanks for your support on my previous post. Most of all thanks for not offering reassurance but giving me validation...I needed that.
| posted by Liz at 1:57 PM | 5 comments
Friday, December 02, 2005
Call me Ms. Negative
Still feeling down. Just can't find anything to be happy or content with. This cycle just got me down. Ivan has been noticing and I have to pretend that I'm just tired but I'm not tired. I'm angry and sad. Sad for what I don't have and angry that my body isn't cooperating. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why do we have to go through this? Why can't it be easier? Why oh why?!?!
I know I won't get any answers to this but just expressing it feels good. I want to yell but at the same time I don't have the energy. I'm emotionally and physically drained.
I feel negative about everything. It's hard to be hopeful for me or for anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone because if I do I will just cry. Email is my mode of communication and even that I'm starting to censor.
Yep, I've hit a low. I feel as if I'm in the bottom of a pit and I'm going to stay there. First because I can't get out and second because I'm afraid to. There aren't any words to make me feel better because what I need, what I want is a guarantee and that is impossible.
| posted by Liz at 12:59 PM | 8 comments