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When Nature Is Not Enough
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IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for. |
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About Me
I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew. 
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Monday, October 31, 2005 The fun begins...yeah right  The transfer went very well...not much discomfort. The highlight was when they put the embies in and they twinkle like stars...my tears just started coming down. We got a picture of them and I keep looking at it and hoping. Well I must start off by saying that I'm not too hopeful about it working. Before the transfer we met with the doctor and embryologist and were informed that the late bloomers had stopped dividing. All we had were the original 2 which were a 4 and a 6 cell. For a day 3 transfer they prefer 6-8 cell. We discussed options: 1) go through with the transfer; 2) wait to see if they would develop to blasts; 3) wait and do a FET in a couple of weeks with our snow babies. I didn't even look at Ivan and just blurted out I'm not leaving without my babies and we went through with the transfer. I just have to give them a chance otherwise I will always wonder. We've already discussed Plan B - doing another fresh cycle in 3-4 months. It's hard to be hopeful when I know my chances are slim but I don't want to give up hope. Crossing my fingers that they will be strong and will stick. Updated: Ivan was able to scan the pic for me so here are my lil ones  Saturday, October 29, 2005 Embryo Transfer tomorrow!!!
Today's fertilization report was more promising. The 2 that fertilized are 3 cell with no fragmentation AND we got 2 others that fertilized. They are 3 cell with 10% fragmentation. Anything with less then 15% fragmentation is good. Although I only wanted to put back 2 I'm taking the extra 2 as a sign that I might need an extra one so we will be putting back 3....please no triplets!!
Thanks for your words of encouragement and ongoing support. I will try to update on Monday when Ivan "the warden" isn't looking. I will be on bedrest for 3 days or as Ivan put it on "lock down". I'm feeling much better about this. I will be hopeful until the very end.  Friday, October 28, 2005 Worst Fertilization Report
The embryologist called and it definitely was not what I was expecting to hear.
19 eggs retrieved 17 mature 2 fertilized ONLY 2 are fertilizing....I can't believe this. This just isn't good. He couldn't even come up with something positive to say because there is a possibility that these 2 won't make it. He mentioned my dr is going to call me about using the frozen blasts but I didn't want to do that. I'm numb...I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel. There is no hope right now...no positive thoughts helping me go on. Update: I called the embryologist b/c with my shock I wasn't able to really ask questions. Right now the problem is unexplained. The sperm and eggs are not communicating....they don't know why. They are keeping the eggs that did not fertilize in the petri dish for another day to see if they will fertilize...maybe they are late bloomers who knows. I can only hope that the 2 that fertilized will start dividing. If tomorrow they are between 2-4 cell then that is a good sign and we might be able to do a transfer. 
Thursday, October 27, 2005 Momma hatched a lot of eggs
ER went very well...we got 19 eggs.
 The doctor was very pleased and hopes we can do a day 5 transfer. I can't believe this stage in the cycle is over...Milestone 1 down...2 more to go (ET and beta). I can't believe it's almost over....it was very fast...I guess it really wasn't but it wasn't as stressful. I can't wait for tomorrow's fertilization report to see how many were mature eggs and are fertilizing. I will update when I hear from the embryologist. Tuesday, October 25, 2005 Almost there...
I trigger tonight and ER is on Thursday. This cycle went by fast and it was stress-free after day 7. I’m glad I didn’t get obsessed and was able to take it one day at a time….it made such a difference. I’m crossing my fingers that most of the eggs are mature and will fertilize normally although in the end I only need 2. You can imagine how excited I am especially since the last couple of days I’ve been feeling some discomfort and my belly is bruised oh but wait I forgot the fun shots begin…progesterone…ouch!!!
Ivan is already starting to feel nervous about his contribution. He has been so stressed about the cycle…you would think he was the one doing everything. It’s funny because he goes through all the emotional changes that I’m suppose to. I wonder what will happen when I’m pregnant. Saturday, October 22, 2005 They're growing....
Went for another scan today....16 follicles!!!! There are about 5 measuring 13 and the rest are between 9-11. I have to start going now on a daily basis for monitoring. Based on the last cycle I predict the retrieval will be at the end of the week probably Friday. I'm tempted to make a bet with Ivan.
I can't believe I am half way there. I feel as if I waited so long and now that I am cycling it is going pretty fast. This cycle has been more relaxing and fortunately hasn't been as emotional. I'm trying to be hopeful and in some ways I am. I know all I can do is hope and wait and indulge in my comfort food. Thanks for the support...you are all great!! Thursday, October 20, 2005 Things are progressing...
I went today for my 2nd follie scan. On Tuesday I had 7 follies and today I had 13...YAY. I think you all know how worried I was that there were only 7. I feel such a relief and I'm happy to say I'm feeling positive. They are all measuring small and I didn't ask for the exact numbers because then I will "obsess" about that. When I go back on Sat. I will ask. Medications were not increased and I will not being doing that on my own...at least not yet. ER is for sometime next week....I'm getting excited....we're making babies.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005 The ride begins.....
I went for my first follie scan today. I was so nervous. As I waited for the dr I kept repeating "numbers don't matter". I was already trying to convince myself that the amount of follies was no big deal. I remember how last time I was disappointed when on day 5 I only had 14 follies....can you believe I was disappointed. Well how do you think I felt when there were only 7 follies...very disappointed and scared. The dr was optimistic and said "you are where you should be". As I was getting dressed I started plotting what I would do to develop a growth spurt...let's not forget how I increased my meds on my own last time and it worked I got 24 eggs. Well after much contemplation I decided against it and I'm feeling okay with my 7 follies.... thanks Cat and Jenna.
I'm not going to obsess with numbers...it will drive me crazy and that was exactly how I was last cycle. I will be happy with how many I get and have faith that I will get good quality embies. My E2 levels were fine and they didn't increase my meds...darn. I go back on Thursday for more b/w and another scan...don't you just love those. Saturday, October 15, 2005 October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day  Remembering all our angels. May they know they are missed and loved.  Thursday, October 13, 2005 IVF # 2
I can't believe 3 months ago I was starting my first IVF cycle. I remember how nervous I was. I look back now and find humor in my anxiety. Today there is no anxiety and unfortunately only a little hope. I'm eager to start the cycle just to start but I'm not feeling too hopeful. I am well aware that this is my defense mechanism in action.
Ivan is being wonderful about this. He is upset that we have to do another cycle because of what I will have to go through. I tell ya it hurts him more then it hurts me. Can't wait until we start the progesterone injections again...that will be so much fun. He made me put away the syringes so he wouldn't have to see them. So my journey continues. I feel stronger but in a way also "cold". I just don't want to feel anything...I'm afraid to. Feeling causes so much pain. So how does one start an IVF cycle with no hope of it working...read on and enjoy the ride. Monday, October 10, 2005 God Told Me No
Recently Ivan has been having feelings of ambivalence towards God. He is riddled with anger and sadness because of the loss of his mother and our difficulties. My sister gave him a spanish Christian cd with this song and she hoped that it would bring him some peace. The words gave me a sense of peace and comfort and helped me understand that it's all God's will. I translated the words and wanted to share the song with you.
God Told Me No I told God that I wanted patience, and God told me no, He told me no, that patience is a product of tribulation it is not granted, it is a conquest. I asked God to take my pride, He told me no, it is something that I must surrender. I told God that I wanted riches, and He told me no, that I must learn to depend on him. I asked God to heal my mother, He told me no, it is a process that we must go through in my time I will act, understand it because I am God. I've finally understood to do your will that you are my Master and my guide is you. What the Holy Spirit says that's what I will do Here, in you and in me reigns God. I asked God to save my country, and He told me no, That first you must be humble. If all in the land will be humble, that in which my name is invoked, I will save your country and will forgive all. I've finally understood to do your will that you are my Master and my guide is you. What the Holy Spirit says that's what I will do Here, in you and in me reigns God. I asked God if he loved me, and He told me yes, you are finally understanding. Sometimes he tells you yes And other times he puts you on "hold" or in waiting, But I have learned to be pleased Even if he tells me no. I've finally understood to do your will that you are my Master and my guide is you. What the Holy Spirit says that's what I will do Here, in you and in me reigns God. Friday, October 07, 2005 What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I found comfort in these words and wanted to share with you..
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me." These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?" What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? "I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility." No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down. "Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known." While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know." Monday, October 03, 2005 Waiting sucks
One more week of BCP and then I begin stims on Thursday 10/13. I am anxious and excited about starting. It’s hard to be hopeful when I know there might be another disappointment. I feel as if I have to prepare myself for this. It’s weird to want something and pray for it and then also pray for the strength to face a disappointment. I know that what ever happens I will get through it.
It feels different this time. I guess partly since I know what the cycle entails. Ivan is getting nervous. I guess he is starting to understand that it might not be a successful cycle. He was so optimistic last time but experience can take that away from you. Nothing much going on besides this. At this point this is all that is on my mind and schedule. |
