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When Nature Is Not Enough
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IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for. |
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About Me
I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew. 
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Wednesday, November 30, 2005 Blah
Blah best describes how I have been feeling. I'm not in the mood to do anything...I'm feeling down and irritable. As Ivan has mentioned, in the last couple of days everything is getting on my nerves. I'm just not happy with the way things are. I'm not happy with the place that I'm in.
My negative attitude is now affecting my job. I'm just not into it, I feel as if I'm in a rut. During my sessions I'm distracted, thinking about other things...of course all I think about is having a baby and the possibility that I might not have a child. Yep, I'm really negative!!!!! I even started considering looking for another job. After talking to Ivan I realize that would be a mistake. Starting a new job as I'm cycling would not be easy and maybe not even possible. Anway in the end I would feel the same. I'm also starting to question my ability as a therapist. I love what I do and I know that I can help the kids but right now I'm not doing that. I know these feelings have to do with how I feel about myself and not being able to get PG. I've felt this way before and I've overcome it....it's this darn IF roller coaster...we all know how that is. For now I will just suppress (that's what I do best) and hope that I will bounce back soon. Monday, November 28, 2005 Life sometimes just sucks
The last couple of days haven't been easy. The holidays just depress me. It's about family and my "addition" is missing. I'm tired of pretending and I don't think I can keep it up for long.
I have a couple of things going on that are bothering me. I had a falling out with 3 of my closest friends. I guess we are all at fault but right now all I can see is how they let me down. My GF told me last night that she misses the way I use to be...I miss who I was. I'm disappointed and angry that they haven't been as supportive as I would have liked them to be. I have a tendency to shut down when something happens but now is not the time for them to "respect" that. Should I be angry at them for not making attempts or should I be angry at myself for shutting people out? I'm dreading the holidays. I don't want to celebrate....I don't feel like celebrating. I'm considering just staying home and going to mass on Christmas Eve...it will bring me peace and that's what I need right now. I see myself getting bitter. It's just hard to find the positive in things right now. Friday, November 25, 2005 One Day At a Time
I'm going to start taking it one day at a time. I survived my birthday and thanksgiving. Now Christmas and New Years awaits me. I know this year the holidays will be especially difficult. Last year they were hard because of my MIL's passing. This year it will be hard because of our disappointments and loss.
It's hard to be hopeful and I want to be. I'm trying very hard to be positive. Today I started acupuncture. It was very relaxing. As I laid there with all the needles (ear, arms, forehead, head, legs, and of course stomach) all I kept thinking was how this was going to help make it a better environment for the baby. She gave me some herbs to take 3x a day, which I will do until I start stims. I will go 2x a week for acupuncture...hope it helps. For now I will focus on doing all I can and not stressing myself out. I'm not stressed but I don't want to get overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Tuesday, November 22, 2005 36 today
Another birthday...I won’t say Happy Birthday to me because I’m just not feeling happy. As I wait for Ivan to come home from work I can’t help but think about all that has happened this past year. Our never ending BFNs, the ectopic, the laparoscopy and hearing the dr. say under no circumstances should she try to get pregnant on her own, then the chemical pregnancy, and our recent BFN. Yep, that sums up my 35th year...not much to be happy about.
I guess there are many things I can be happy about but they just don’t fill the void in me. I am blessed SO blessed to have a wonderful husband. He told me the other night that he had no doubt things would work out. My favorite was when he said "infertility didn’t come between us, it made us closer and we won’t give up". I wish I had just a tenth of his enthusiasm and optimism. I’m trying so hard to be hopeful but it’s very difficult. I read something the other day that continues to haunt me, "hoping can break us". I know what they meant because that’s what I feel now. Although I went into IVF #2 with little hope it didn’t help prepare me for the disappointment. How do I start the 3rd cycle with no hope but knowing there is a lot at stake. This will most likely be our last cycle, at least for a while. Emotionally, physically and financially we need a break. Who knows this in fact might be our last cycle and if it’s a BFN with it comes the reality that we might not have children. I don’t want to think that …my heart aches when I think about that. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to run and not look back. I wish I could sleep for days and wake up and this was all a bad dream but it’s not a dream…it’s my life. I think you all know what my birthday wish will be, the same one for the last 2 years. Will it come true…only time will tell. Thursday, November 17, 2005 Dr appt.
We met with our RE for our f/u after our BFN. I had my list of questions and agenda regarding what changes I thought we should do. It turns out they were the same changes the dr recommended.
For the next IVF they will do ICSI with assisted hatching; protocol has been changed to Lupron and Follistim; and I will do acupuncture. I left feeling hopeful and actually believing it might work. I've been feeling so down these past few days and to actually feel optimistic is such a wonderful feeling. Oh, the best thing is we will be able to start after my Dec. cycle. I was afraid we would have to wait until Feb but she stated it wasn't necessary. So in January I begin my injections. I want to be hopeful and rid myself of negative feelings but you know how that is. I will do the best I can to think positive thoughts. Right now I feel positive and that's good. P.S. thanks for your supportive and encouraging words....it means a lot to me. Thank you for understanding and for caring....you are all great! Friday, November 11, 2005 It's official....BFN
I got the call a little while ago. I must admit that despite the BFN on the HPT I was still hoping there might be a chance....who was I kidding. I knew the odds were against us but I'm glad I gave it a try. I would have wondered "what could have been" if I hadn't done the transfer with these embies.
I feel empty and sort of numb. When I saw there was only 1 line I was okay...I was expecting it. I didn't know how I would tell Ivan. He was still sleeping when I did the test. He woke up and saw me walking around and asked what was wrong. I told him and then he held me while I cried. It was so good to let it out and have him comfort me. I keep telling myself it just wasn't meant to be but that doesn't help ease the pain...I guess time will. Not surprised
I did a HPT this morning....BFN. Waiting for my beta to confirm.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005 Feeling better
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and good wishes. The spotting has stopped and I'm just going to try to hold on to the possibility that I might be PG. I'm not going to obsess over whether I am or I'm not. I don't know how many times I went to the bathroom yesterday to see if the bleeding had started or stopped....very frustrating.
Today I am just going to remain calm or at least try to. Ivan remains optimistic and very hopeful and I will try to do the same. I'm feeling all kinds of symptoms - tired, nauseous, don't want to eat (except junk food), lower back pain, burping, and sore boobs BUT I know it probably is the progesterone so I will not start doing the I'm Preggo dance....hoping on Friday I will be able to. Monday, November 07, 2005 Anxious and not too hopeful
8 days past transfer....it is getting to me. I'm anxious and starting to lose hope. Yesterday I had some bleeding and today it's spotting. I hate this!!! I'm trying to believe that it might be implantation bleeding but it is so hard.
On Friday I will know if I'm PG. I have to admit that now I'm starting to feel the anxiety. I know that right now I am or I'm not. They have snuggled in or they are somewhere else. I will not test until Friday...I only have 1 more test left and I'm not going to buy any more...it will only make me worse. I hate not knowing...don't we all. I've been doing my best to think positive thoughts but it was so hard last night when Ivan came home from work. I told him about the bleeding and right away he started talking about implantation bleeding. He is trying to be hopeful until the very end. We discussed the possibility that it might be a BFN but how do we truly prepare ourselves for that. It doesn't get better or easier. It's like the walls just come crashing down on you, dreams that won't become reality. Okay, I must stop and only think positive thoughts. I will try to remind myself that for the next couple of days. All I can do is hope and not lose it. I can do that. Hopefully by the end of the week I will have great news to share. Thursday, November 03, 2005 Trying to be hopeful
4 days past 3 day transfer…implantation could be occurring.
 I’m doing my very best to be hopeful and not give into my negativity….it seems to be working. Fortunately I’m not going crazy and obsessing. Going back to work on Tuesday helped. Although once I got here I felt guilty that I should have been home in bed resting so they could snuggle in but being home would mean I would get consumed with all sorts of feelings. Fortunately work isn’t that stressful or physical. Although Tuesday I had some kids that were extremely restless and I was moving a lot but these lil guys have proven to be strong and I’m sure they can make it…if it’s possible and most of all if it’s meant to be. It’s funny how for months all I did was think about wanting to be pregnant and now that I might actually be I have to remind myself that sometimes things happen for a reason. I know in my heart that I will have a baby but if it’s not this time then it will be next time. My prayers and thoughts have changed so much…I’ve changed so much. I feel wiser, stronger but still struggling with patience. I’ve learned that I have to have faith and that will get me through everything. Since I'm trying to be hopeful the PUPO blinkie goes up again. |
