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When Nature Is Not Enough
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IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for. |
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About Me
I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew. 
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Friday, May 27, 2005 Trying to go on
Some days are better than others. Sometimes it's easy to pretend. I'm feeling a little better ...maybe there is hope for me...LOL. Heather's news was comforting. I am VERY happy for her and it gives me hope that I might be able to get my miracle.
I'm trying to "pick myself up". I know I can do it and I am determined to be hopeful and have a positive attitude for when I start IVF. I am accepting that right now this is depressing me and I have to do something about it. I can't let it continue to take my happiness from me. I can't believe how much power I've given infertility. I feel bad for Ivan. He has to see and live with how I'm feeling and there is nothing he can do about it. He can't fix this, he can't make it right, he can't take my pain away, he can't fix my tubes, he can't look at me without feeling sad, he can't guarantee that I will have a baby ...what a relief to let it out. Although I focus on what I don't have, I know that I'm lucky and blessed to have him. For the next few days I am determined to let it all out. No more hiding, no more what ifs...it's about accepting what reality is and moving forward. Wednesday, May 25, 2005 Hope....Where Are You?!!
Still feeling negative and very sad. These past few days have been hard. I have to keep pretending that I'm okay... I hate that.
Today I could not keep it in any longer. I cried for hours and unfortunately I don't feel better. I can't find anything positive to hold on to...there is no glimmer of hope nearby. I think since it is going to happen soon I am flooded with all these different emotions and here I thought my emotional roller coaster was at a hault. Nope, it's going at full force. I tried talking to Ivan and explaining why I am feeling so negative. He's trying to be hopeful but like he said it's easier for him. I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibilty that it might not work...there is only a 40% chance. I know it's more of a chance then what I have right now but it's hard to be positive. I am scared and then there's the anger. Some how I have to turn the negativity into optimism. I'm still in the "accepting" part of all this. Accepting that life isn't always how we want it to be. Accepting that I have no control over what is happening. Accepting that in the end all I can do is hope and pray. I will continue in my quest of full acceptance, closure and moving on to what is ahead. Hopefully, hope will be there by my side. Sunday, May 22, 2005 Negative Feelings
Lately I've been feeling very negative. I'm trying to be hopeful but sometimes it's so hard. Every day is a different feeling. One day I'm okay but I wouldn't say happy and then I just get angry, sad, and confused. You would think by now I would be able to be in control of my feelings but it seems to be getting worse. I feel as if I have no control, I don't know what to think or how to feel.
It's hard when I don't have someone to talk to. I try to talk to Ivan but then he perceives it as if I am complaining about him because he can't fix things. While talking to my GF last week I realized why I've isolated myself. She suggested that I find comfort in the boards because there is no face-to face contact. I tried to explain but of course she did not understand. The reality is I find comfort in the fact that I am not held accountable for what I say. I am validated and most of all I am understood. I wish I could just go day by day without feeling anything. I hate infertility. I hate that it exists. I hate that people have to go through this. I hate that it causes so much pain. Infertility sucks and hurts. Why am I so angry? Why can't I accept this and try to move on? In so many ways infertility has taken so much from me. Besides my ability to conceive naturally I have allowed it to take my happiness. I have about 4-5 weeks before I start IVF and I feel the need to process these feelings before I go through with it. I don't want to harbor this anger any more. Wednesday, May 18, 2005 Moving Forward
Today we had our 3rd consultation. I was starting to lose hope and assumed my search for a doctor would continue. Although I liked the previous 2 doctors I left the office feeling very negative. After meeting with dr. #1 I felt guilty, as if I had done something to cause the tubal damage. He focused a lot on the cause of the infertility. Dr. #2 was nice, funny, and friendly but he scared me when he focused on the possibility that I might need a surrogate if I had new uterine adhesions.
So as a result of this, I was expecting to find a problem with dr # 3. This morning I was scared and pessimistic. Dr. #3 turned out to have the qualities I had been looking for. She thoroughly reviewed all of my material and patiently answered my MANY questions. It's hard to explain but I got good vibes from her and fortunately so did Ivan. After meeting with her we nodded to each other gesturing YES, we found a doctor. We did routine bloodwork and when my new cycle begins I will start the preliminary tests before the IVF cycle which will hopefully be late June or early July. When we left the clinic I told Ivan "we can breathe". I felt positive, which is strange since I have had negative feelings about doing IVF. In the last couple of days I have been trying to come to terms with accepting that IVF is my only option. I've been going through my own mourning. I have to mourn the part of me that is unable to conceive naturally. Growing up we naively assume that all we have to do is figure out when we can have a baby and it will happen. As we all know that is not always the case. It has been hard for me to accept that I will need "assistance" in order to conceive. I like to think of life as a book and every experience is a new chapter. So I am starting to close the "why can't I conceive, why me" chapter and begin "I'm TTC with IVF" chapter. I know my journey will continue but I feel I am closer to getting my miracle baby. Monday, May 16, 2005 Believe
Tuesday, May 10, 2005 Feeling Nervous
I'm feeling nervous about IVF. There are no guarantees and it might not work. What if it doesn't work? I don't know if we can try again. I just assumed we would but last night Ivan tells me that he's fed up with his job and as soon as we do IVF he's quitting - talk about pressure. I know it's been hard on him at work but he can't quit...we're using his insurance because it will at least cover the meds, bloodwork, u/s and other tests that might be needed.
We have our 2nd consultation tomorrow at the Sher Institute. I would LOVE to go with them but it might cost too much. They are not contracted by Ivan's insurance so we would have to pay everything out of pocket...too much $$. I'm anxious to hear what their treatment plan would be. I can at least compare it with the other clinic (we have another appt. next week). Since I know I will be doing IVF I want to get started but I'm scared. I'm scared of getting a BFN. I know it's a possibility and I'm trying not to think about it. I want to be hopeful but I can't be...it's hard when you keep getting disappointed month after month. I have to change my way of thinking. Some how I have to be optimistic but I am such a pessimist. HELP.... Monday, May 09, 2005 Love What You Have Not What You Want
I've been trying to accept that I will not be able to conceive normally and will have to conceive through IVF. I'm angry but I'm starting to come to terms with that. I want to at least have some positive feelings about it.
I've decided to stop dwelling on "IVF" and try to be happy that I have that option. So it won't be the way I had imagined but if this is what I have to do in order to have a baby then I will do it. I know in the end it will be worth all the pain, physical and emotional. We get so caught up on what we want and how we want things to be that we sometimes lose focus. I know I have. I'm focusing so much on my "infertility" that it is making me an angry person. I don't have much enjoyment because I don't allow myself...it's hard to be happy when you are so angry. So, I want to replace my anger with positive thoughts. I want to take the time to enjoy what I have and not have regrets later on. I know this happens to all of us. I will try to live my life by the following thoughts: Love what you have, not what you want. Sunday, May 08, 2005 People's Insensitivity
You would think that by now I would be used to people's insensitive remarks. I had a lurker (old friend) who found out about my blog and wrote some insensitive comments.
Anyway since I know she will continue to lurk and I don't care for or need that kind of "bad karma" I changed the blog address which was not a big deal but in doing so I don't know how but it deleted all my comments....VERY strange. I enjoy reading the comments and appreciate your support so I am annoyed that they were deleted. I hope you will continue to post your comments as they are very encouraging. Mother's Day and I'm Not a Mother  I can't believe Mother's Day is here and I'm not a mother. Here I am no where closer to being a mother than I was a year ago. I'm angry and sad...it just seems unfair. I'm trying to be patient. I know things happen for a reason and I know, at least I hope, that next year I will be a mother. In the morning I will go with Ivan to the cemetary to visit his mother's grave. I feel selfish for feeling sad because I don't have a baby and he's still grieving the loss of his mother. It's just so hard. I'll visit my mother and celebrate what a wonderful mother she has been. Although I love my mother dearly I wish I could stay home and cry. Everywhere I look there is a baby or someone pregnant. WHEN, WHEN, WILL IT BE ME?!?! I'm trying not to get too overwhelmed with all my feelings but lately it's been getting harder. Little by little I'm becoming undone and I think eventually I will lose it. Thursday, May 05, 2005 When Comforting Words Are Not So Comforting
I was talking to an old friend today and the "talk" was very upsetting. I don't know why I still get surprised with people's insensitivity. I know at times it is not intentional but their "supportive comments and advice" is more like assvice.
She asked how things were going and quickly stated "well don't be so worried because we live in a very technological age" and went on and on about IVF. Anyway I just felt... and I know I'm right for feeling this way... that she is minimizing my experience. Like so many other people she assumes that when someone cannot have a child on their own they should not complain and just do IVF. We should be lucky that we have the opportunity to do that. Yes, I'm grateful to live in a time where that is a possibility but I'm angry that I will never be able to conceive a child on my own. No, it won't be a romantic evening with my husband. It will consist of a procedure to retrieve the egg (not romantic) and then Ivan will leave a sample. No, it won't be a sexy rendezvous it will be "hurry up the clocks ticking, they have to fertilize the eggs, what's taking so long". Then there is the sperm washing and fertilization process and 3-5 days later the eggs are transferred to the uterus. I can't quite put to words how I feel...maybe a part of me doesn't want to. It really is hard and the closer I get to the possibility of IVF the angrier I get at my body. Hey, I have to blame something. I have severe tubal damage and nothing can be done to fix it. If I had to choose a word to describe how I feel it would have to be "broken". I'm not happy that I have to do IVF, I don't think I ever will be. Monday, May 02, 2005 Faith Brings Hope
I'm not much of a practicing Catholic but must admit that in the last 5 months I've done a lot of praying and "talking" to God. I know that he has helped me through this and will continue to do so.
Last night I read this in the bible: "We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character, and character produces hope." I thought about the message and smiled. One can't help but wonder how can trouble bring joy. For me my "trouble" infertility has made me put things into perspective but most of all it has helped me renew my faith. I remember praying and asking God for a baby. I wanted so much to be pregnant and that's all I prayed for. As the months went by my prayer began to change. When I learned that my tubes were blocked my prayer became "help me through this, give me the strength to get through this". I have that strength. In some ways this has made me a stronger person. I'm still not a very patient person but when it comes to TTC I have accepted that I have no control over this. I have to be patient, have hope, faith and believe that in the end all will work out and I will have a baby. Like the suncatcher that a good friend gave me beautifully states, "Faith makes all things possible." |
