Last night I started rereading Water From the Rock. I had only gotten to chapter 4 so I figured I would start again. As I read it I started thinking how I have to take back control. I'm letting this negativity bring me so down that it is affecting all aspects of my life. I choose to use the phrase bring me down instead of depressed although I clearly have symptoms of it but I will get through it. I want to have hope again. I want to believe. I want to think that in the end everything will work out instead of thinking what will be will be.

What sucks about IF is how it takes away so much control from us. We do all we possibly can but in the end it's not up to us. I hate not being able to plan and just relying on chance. Chance isn't always on our side and at times I feel it is my enemy. What have I done to get it to turn it's back on me?

I had a long talk with Ivan and it helped. I read something I wrote and he was able to understand how I'm feeling. He admitted that he knew things were getting to me but didn't know how to help, especially when I was pushing him away. Hey, that's my MO...pushing away is one of the things I do best.

I made a list of things that I will do to get me through this:
1) talk to Ivan
2) join a support group (that's a difficult one for me)
3) exercise
4) eating better (no more junk food for me. I have to find a healthier way to cope with things.)
5) positive thinking/affirmations

So let's see how it goes.

Trust in His Timing
Rely on His Promises
Wait for His Answers
Believe in His Miracles
Rejoice in His Goodness
Relax in His Presence

This was on a card that a GF gave me on my birthday. I have it taped to my computer at work so when I'm feeling down, angry, scared, or confused I can remember who to turn to.

For months all I did was pray. Pray to God so I could get PG. My prayers weren't answered. It never dawned on me to wonder why it wasn't being answered. I just assumed my timing was wrong. I never thought about His timing.

I remember when I found out that my tubes were blocked. The doctor told me there would be no way I could get PG on my own. I was devastated and so scared and I kept praying. At the time I was reading the bible every night. I have a bible that includes explanations on scripture. I recall reading about praying for things when we are in need. I remember getting excited when I got to that part because I was in need and I was praying. I knew I would find out what had gone wrong and my prayers weren't answered. The author explained that what's important isn't whether our prayers are answered but what happens while we are waiting. I had to stop and reflect on that. So what was I doing, what had I learned from this? Did I get anything from it? Yes, faith.

I learned that in order to overcome all the challenges that I would face I had to have faith, believe, and trust. I wanted that. I wanted to believe it would happen, I wanted to have faith that God would help me, and I wanted to trust that he knew what was right. It wasn't always easy, it's still not easy. My faith increased dramatically and I felt at peace. I was able to cope with the ectopic pregnancy, the laparoscopy and being told that IVF would be my only option. I wasn't scared because I knew there was hope. In the last few weeks that hope has slowly dwindled. I go to church every Sunday but I don't have the same feeling that I did months ago. I feel as if I'm going so God can comfort me.

This Sunday during mass I prayed that God give me a sign...let me know what he wanted for me. It was my feeble attempt of asking "Am I going to have a baby". What's hard about this is not knowing. We're doing all we can do and it's gotten to the point that I'm just losing hope that it will work. I've asked God to give me the strength to get through all of this...to help me if I can't have a child. I feel as if I have to start preparing myself for that. As I write this I'm crying because the thought of not having children makes me so sad.

My heart aches when I look at Ivan. He's been noticing some changes in me and started to question me yesterday. He was very elusive about it which annoyed me. He asked if everything was okay. I laughed and responded what do you think. He went into his speech about how things are looking good and we have to be hopeful. I wanted to scream that he didn't know. I wanted to tell him that I'm angry, sad and just hate what my life has become, who I've become but I couldn't. I laughed and responded in a sarcastic manner which put an end to the discussion.

Ivan doesn't have faith but will hold on to the belief that we will have children. He thinks that as long as a doctor tells us we don't have a chance it is possible. If it were up to him we would do IVF until we had a baby, even if that meant 10 or more cycles. I on the other hand am getting so negative that I'm ready to just call it quits. I won't because I have to give it a try. When we started we both agreed that we would do 3 IVF cycles so the next will be our last. After that we will do a FET and then it's quits. Ivan's already looking into countries we can go to. I won't agree to that.

So here I am, no hope but continuing. I guess I have to continue because as long as I continue I don't have to face the realization of not having children.

Sometimes you have to be in a rut in order to go forward and that's where I am. I'm still feeling negative about EVERYTHING but I'm dealing with it. I guess I have some coping skills after all. I'm not going to try to "bounce back" or pretend. I'm going to stay where I am and let it be. It's the only way to process and go forward without unresolved issues.

I've been feeling very negative about my body, in particular those darn tubes that are preventing me from conceiving naturally. I remember how months ago I wish I could just remove them myself. No, it would not have been a pretty sight but in it's own way it would have given me closure. I hate leaving things up to chance. I hate not knowing. Trying to be hopeful when chances are so slim.

I'm questioning all I've done to see if there's something I did to cause this or as I'm really thinking to deserve this. I know there is nothing I did or anything any of you have done to cause IF but sometimes we have to blame someone and who better then ourselves. It isn't right and it doesn't answer our questions or make us feel better but it gives us somewhere to target our anger. Yes, I'm directing my angry feelings to myself. I'm quite aware that this isn't healthy but as long as I'm not hurting myself it's okay to internalize my problems.

I went to church yesterday in search of peace...I'm still looking. The priest announced that on Thursday they would have the annointment of the sick. My sister looked at me as if saying "hey, why don't you come to that". I told her I'm not sick my tubes are distorted and closed there's a difference. We've had this discussion before. I've gone to 2 healing masses with my parents because they believe it will help. I don't have the same faith they do. I know in the end it is all up to God but I don't think a priest can put his hand on my head and "heal me". Oh if it were that simple IF wouldn't exist. I'm well aware that faith does play an important role in healing but I will leave that for another post.

So for now here I am and I'll be here for a while. Thanks for your support on my previous post. Most of all thanks for not offering reassurance but giving me validation...I needed that.

Still feeling down. Just can't find anything to be happy or content with. This cycle just got me down. Ivan has been noticing and I have to pretend that I'm just tired but I'm not tired. I'm angry and sad. Sad for what I don't have and angry that my body isn't cooperating. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why do we have to go through this? Why can't it be easier? Why oh why?!?!

I know I won't get any answers to this but just expressing it feels good. I want to yell but at the same time I don't have the energy. I'm emotionally and physically drained.

I feel negative about everything. It's hard to be hopeful for me or for anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone because if I do I will just cry. Email is my mode of communication and even that I'm starting to censor.

Yep, I've hit a low. I feel as if I'm in the bottom of a pit and I'm going to stay there. First because I can't get out and second because I'm afraid to. There aren't any words to make me feel better because what I need, what I want is a guarantee and that is impossible.