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When Nature Is Not Enough
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IVF will hopefully bring us the miracle we are waiting for. |
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About Me
I'm 37 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic PG in Dec. 04 and in April 05 found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only hope. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. 05 and it was a BFN. In Jan. 06 we did a combined fresh and frozen embryo transfer and it was a BFN. We were determined not to give up our dream of having a baby. IVF # 4 was in April 06. The cycle worked like a charm and on December 20, 2006 we were blessed with Hannah and Matthew. 
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Tuesday, August 30, 2005 Hoping for the best
I had an unscheduled appointment today and although I initially was upset about this it actually ended up being a very gratifying session. As I listened to this 11-year-old talk about her fears about starting school what she wanted most was reassurance that all would be well. As much as I wanted to reassure her there is no guarantee that it will be the way she hopes. She picked "hoping for the best" as her phrase for this week. I couldn’t help but laugh when she said this as it reminded me of what I am facing. Here we are in two totally different places but searching for the same thing…happiness and hope.
She served as an inspiration for me. We both must face our fears and try because if we don’t it will be worse, we will be worse. Although I’m afraid of "going forward" because of another disappointment I know that I must. I guess this session gave me a boost. I feel motivated and I know it’s okay to go on. So today I begin another day, another chapter and I continue to hope. Monday, August 29, 2005 Going on...
Day 3 of hopelessness and sadness. It took so much for me to get out of bed this morning. I think I did it more for Ivan so he would think I’m okay. I see the pain when he looks at me and knows I’m not well. As much as I don’t like how I feel I know I have to go through this. It’s the only way to process and "go on".
Although at times I don’t feel like going on because I just feel there will be other disappointments I know I have to. If I don’t try, if I give up that will be worse. So I will "pick myself up" and begin another day. Another day of hoping, wanting and dreaming. I know it won't be easy but will believe that in the end it will be worth it. Thank you so much for your support. It's great to have people who understand. Saturday, August 27, 2005 Feeling very down
Today has been very hard for me. It's actually the first day I've been alone. As much as I wanted to be alone it has been very hard. I'm so angry and I don't want to be angry anymore. The pain seems to be getting worse. I feel so alone and I just don't have any hope.
I went back to a board I use to go to (Hannah's Prayer) in the hopes that it would help me. I stopped going around the same time that I stopped praying. I want to have faith, I want to believe, I want to trust that through God all things are possible but right now it is very hard. I'm searching for a way to find the courage and the strength to face each day. I know it will be a long journey and I realize that right now I can't do it on my own. 7 things -
Tagged by Jenna.....
7 Things to do before I die: 1. Have children. 2. Learn to drive. 3. Get my PhD. 4. Go back to Greece. 5. Go to Turkey. 6. Have my own private practice. 7. Believe and hope. 7 Things I can do: 1. Be a good listener. 2. Be alone for hours and find inner peace. 3. Make my DH smile. 4. Talk and talk and talk. 5. Pretend that I'm okay. 6. Dance and play. 7. I have a great memory....love to bring up things in the past. 7 Things I can't do: 1. Have a baby. 2. Drive. 3. Cook 4. Draw 5. Be diplomatic. 6. Sing 7. Be hopeful. 7 Things that attract me to the opposite sex: 1. Body 2. Bum 3. Personality 4. Intelligence 5. Sense of humor. 6. The way they speak. 7. Hair 7 Things I say most often: 1. Fuck 2. I need chocolate. 3. aaagggghhhhh 4. Why????? 5. Just forget it. 6. I can't take this. 7. I have to believe. 7 Celebrity Crushes: 1. Andy Garcia 2. Andy Garcia 3. Andy Garcia 4. Andy Garcia 5. Andy Garcia 6. Andy Garcia 7. Andy Garcia.....luv him!! 7 People I want to do this: 1. Lesley 2. Ally 3. Jess 4. Jenn 5. Jamie 6. Chastity 7. Heather Friday, August 26, 2005 The pretending continues
I went back to work yesterday and it was an overall uneventful day…fortunately. Didn’t have much to do and I didn’t have to interact with anyone. I was able to stay in my office all day.
I went for a walk with a friend, who I had told what happened. Her response when I told her on Monday was exactly what I expected…I’m sorry and other things, which just annoyed me. As much as I wanted to tell her I didn’t because I knew that she was doing the best she could. What bothers me is that I have to keep my feelings to myself and not tell someone how they make me feel. I have on other occasions told her that I have thought some of her remarks have been insensitive and she tries to "think before she speaks". I know it is impossible for people to understand how I feel. Sometimes I wish I could just be in a bubble and be alone. I hate that I have to pretend to be okay so others will be okay with that. I hate the "are you okay" if I answer the way I wish I could it will just freak them out. So why can’t I just walk around miserable, sad and just pissed off with life if that is how I feel? I have already alienated so many people that I don’t care anymore. It seems that all that matters now is having a baby. As much as I want a baby I am angry that infertility has consumed so much of me. I know I will never be the person I was before I started TTC. I know that I am stronger but I also am angrier and sadder. Wednesday, August 24, 2005 Angry, sad and add a small dose of self-pity...
That is how I feel. These past few days have been very hard. I'm trying to stay focused but I also want to allow myself to feel...to mourn, to be angry and to go on. I'm so angry that this happened. I'm angry for the pain that Ivan is feeling. I'm angry that for one week we believed. I wish it had just been a negative instead of this cruel joke. I've tried to go through the "everything happens for a reason" but there is no comfort there. I will never understand why this happened.
The hard part about being home and thinking is that you start to think about your life. I found myself processing this past year....all the disappointments, the things I did not do, how much I've changed. My life has changed so much. I am so angry at being "infertile"...it has taken so much from me. I think I'm starting to get bitter...but I feel I am entitled to that. I hope that as time passes these feelings will also pass. So how do I hold on to a dream? How do I believe? How do I have faith that in the end things will work out? I have to keep telling myself that I will have a baby but how do I know that. I feel as if I have to go on pretending, it seems that is all I do. I have to pretend that I'm not hurting inside, that I'm not broken. Believing in a dream hurts but not having a dream hurts more. So I guess I will continue to dream..... Monday, August 22, 2005 The journey continues...
I started to bleed very late last night. I went to the clinic today and met with the doctor. My pregnancy was a "biochemical" pregnancy. I was pregnant but the pregnancy stopped developing so soon that the hcg level was already dropping before I started to bleed.
These past two days I've been thinking about so many things and as much as I didn't want to get angry I can't help it. I feel as if this was a cruel joke. I wish it had just been a negative to begin with. Although I feared from the beginning that there might be a problem there was no way of preparing for how I would feel when the bleeding started. This has been one hell of a year for disappointments and I feel as if I have to prepare myself for more to come. Unfortunately, this experience has helped to reinforce my pessimistic attitude. I went to church yesterday because I didn't want to be angry and I was hoping I would leave with a sense of peace. I left feeling empty and knowing that I would continue feeling this way for a while. I'm holding on to the belief that I will be a mother some day. It is the only thing that is keeping me "together" right now. I can't explain the emptiness I feel. I can't explain how angry I am at my body for letting me down again. I went through the WHY IS THIS HAPPENING and of course it made me angrier. This loss has been particularly difficult for Ivan. I think now he is starting to come to the realization that we do have a problem. For so long he has been positive and hopeful but that came tumbling down this weekend. I will continue in my journey and hope for a baby. We will meet with the doctor in 2 weeks to discuss when we can begin another cycle. We decided we will try 2 more times. *** Thank you so much for your support and comforting words. It is wonderful to have people who understand and care. **** Saturday, August 20, 2005 Waiting for the inevitable....
I spent the day today trying not to think, trying not to feel anything. My beta today was 36. The doctor explained that it could either be an ectopic or I am going to miscarry (started spotting today). Everything she said I had already told myself. There was no need for questions because I know what the answers are. I have to go back on Monday for another beta and then we will proceed. There is no hope, it died a long time ago... thank you infertility...just another thing you took from me.
8/21/05 Another day of waiting, another day of pain. I'm angry that this is happening. I'm angry that I allowed myself to actually believe that it was going to work out. I knew there was a problem from the beginning but I wanted to believe so badly. I hate that believing in a dream and wanting something can be such a scary and painful thing. Thursday, August 18, 2005 Proceeding with caution
As per my doctor, I need to have a little caution. I went today for my second beta and prayed and crossed everything I possibly could so that it would double but it didn't. When the dr called that was the first clue that it wasn't going to be good news....always the pessimist.
On Monday (day 12 ) my beta was 53.2 and today (day 15) it is only 89.8. If it had doubled at the rate it is suppose to it would have been 132. The doctor said the pregnancy is progressing at a rate of 59%. We discussed what she thinks might be happening...there was no way I was going to hang up without having an idea of what they are speculating. She said I might be miscarrying a twin, it could be another ectopic, or the pregnancy can just be developing slowly and go on to be a normal pregnancy. Right now all they can do is guess and have me continue doing betas. I have to go back on Saturday for another beta. Obviously I am starting to worry. This just reminds me of the ectopic and how it progressed very slowly for weeks before I had the methotrexate shot. I recall how when we started this cycle the doctor had forewarned us that we would have to be cautiously optimistic because of the chances of another ectopic. I'm numb; I don't want to worry because the stress will not be good. So here I am now proceeding with caution. But how does one truly do that? It is so easy for them to say to be cautious when they don't have to worry. They are not the ones that have waited so long and now when a BFP is finally here cannot rejoice in happiness. Tuesday, August 16, 2005 Big Fat Miracle....YES
I am still in shock.... I can't believe it. I had already written a post about the negative. Well for those that don't know I took a HPT on Sat. and it was negative. I had been expecting the negative because I had been spotting and was having AF like cramps. I just assumed it hadn't worked. I waited to test on a day that Ivan was working so I could process the disappointment.
The hardest part for me was telling Ivan that I wasn't pregnant. The look on his face just made me cry. Despite the negative he insisted that we not lose hope. He said he would not accept it until we got the results from the beta. So we were both sad and angry this weekend. I was trying to figure out what I had done wrong...gotta blame something so why not blame myself. We discussed our options and were ready to do another cycle. I went for my beta yesterday morning and was dreading the call from the nurse because that would make it real. Here's how the conversation went: Me: Hello Nurse: Liz, how are you? Me: I'm alright. Nurse: You're better then alright you're pregnant. Me: WHAT?!!! Nurse: It was positive. Me: WHAT but I took a test this weekend and it was negative. Nurse: You took a bloodtest? Me: No, a HPT. Nurse: You're not suppose to do that of course it's going to be a negative. Me: So I'm pregnant?!. Nurse: Yes, you are. ME: Oh my God...I can't believe this... OMG...I'm in shock...I'm going to cry. Then we talked about my PIO shots. After I hung up I just started to cry. I couldn't believe it worked...I still can't. I was going to burst so I called Catherine and Jenna who I had spoken to this weekend about the negative. I then called Ally to tell her to disregard her negative. Those darn HPTs cause such stress but I must admit if it hadn't been for that negative I really would not have known how much Ivan was committed to this. I lied to Ivan and told him the results were not in and they would call me today. There was no way I was going to tell him over the phone. I left work early and purchased a few gifts for the father to be. When he got home he found his gifts. The first was a bib that said "I Love Daddy". The second gift was 3 classical music CDs for the baby (Ivan is a classical guitarist and he's always saying how when we have a baby he will play classical music for it). Then there was a card. He was in shock and as he opened the card his hands trembled. The card said "A miracle from Heaven to fill our hearts and lives with love, Congratutions DAD". I wrote a few things and ended with WE DID IT and that's when it registered. The look on his face when he came to the room was priceless. We hugged and he held me in his arms for so long. I am still in shock. We discussed the beta being 53 and we're very hopeful that it will continue to double. I go back on Thursday for my second beta. Thank you all so much for all of your support and sharing my journey with me. Wednesday, August 10, 2005 One Day at a Time
I've been taking it one day at a time and it has helped me not to obsess. I'm trying only to have positive thoughts. I refuse to let anything get to me. I'm feeling optimistic and will be hopeful until the very end.
I can't believe the cycle is over. As you all know it was very stressful for me. I was on an emotional roller coaster ride the last week. All those ups and downs. I started a journal about the cycle. It helped me express my feelings and also process all the different feelings. My mild case of OHSS is subsiding. I'm still bloated but I'm not huge. I can get around without feeling so much pain. I haven't gone back to work though. I've just been feeling so out of it and I just didn't want to deal with anyone. I will go back tomorrow. I'm surprised that the wait hasn't been as stressful as I thought it would. I will do a FRED this weekend and hope for the best. I appreciate all the support that I got from all of you these past few weeks, heck these past few months. Thank you for understanding. My motto for the week is "think positive and keep the faith". ...it's working. Thursday, August 04, 2005 I'm a Mommy....
We transferred 2 great blastocysts and were able to freeze 3. It was a wonderful experience. The ET went smoothly, it was a little uncomfortable b/c they did an abdominal u/s and my "belly" is SO sore but it was worth it. Ivan was in the room and we were able to see when the catheter was inserted and the embies were released....unbelievable.
So I am a mommy...it feels great. I'm on bedrest which was prolonged a couple of days because of OHSS (abdomen is swollen and ovaries are full of fluid). I am being monitored for it and if the symptoms do not subside in a day or two I will be hospitalized. The doctor gave us the option of cancelling the transfer and doing a frozen one when I was better but there was no way I was leaving without my little ones. So I will deal with the discomfort and the bloatedness (I look about 4-5 months pregnant and it hurts when I walk and move). The next couple of weeks will be nerve wrecking...we all know how that is but I will remain focused and positive...well I will try. Like my new blinkies states I'm "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise". Tuesday, August 02, 2005 Embryo Transfer Tomorrow
I'm excited and of course nervous about tomorrow. I can't believe I'm almost there. I was so worried that the cycle would be cancelled and so far the results have been great. My little turtles ended up being strong ones...YAY.
There is something about knowing that I have 12 little ones (we lost one yesterday, it didn't progress). I have 12 babies...I don't care I feel like a mommy. Too bad they are not with me. I'm feeling very emotional about the whole process. We're creating life and it is such a special and overwhelming feeling. For so long I thought this would never happen. So many months of feeling angry, sad, and empty and hopefully all that will soon go away. I know there is a possibility that they might not implant but for now all I will think about is that they will. For once in my life I will be positive and hopeful...even if it drives me crazy :) |
